Omens

So, for the hell of it, last night I looked at a due date calculator.
If I Ov on the Clomid, 5-10 days after the last pill, and if I get pregnant...
I would be due the week of my miscarriage.

I don't even know if I am going to Ov, let alone get pregnant...
but I had to see.
To see what this cycle would hold for me if it was successful.

I wonder if this is a bad omen for this cycle.

Bittersweet

Today was TAs baby shower.

I went, bracing myself for possible pain and uncontrollable grief.

I found only bittersweetness and open arms.

I love my friend, and I am so happy for her and the little one striving away in her womb.
I am so thankful that she does not have to endure the pains that I have.

But I do wish my little one were still with me, instead of me starting a new cycle.

I made my way in the house, and found her mother. She quickly hugged me and asked me how I was doing. She wouldn't let go, she kept holding me. Longer than she hugged anyone else. She always treated me like one of the family, and I felt her love in that embrace. Finally she released, and looked at me again and smiled.
And then we parted.

I was fine at the shower, well composed, until mid gift opening.
That's when my mind began to wonder.

I started cramping as I stood there watching, and I started wondering if I'll ever be there, surrounded my loved ones, preparing to usher a new life forth from my womb.
Or will I always be there, frozen against the walls, grasping my empty womb, on the outside, looking in.

I didn't stay for the games, or the cake, but I stayed long enough to feel the love and my loss.
I still haven't cried. I want to, but I can't. I just feel... I don't know.

It's almost been three months since I lost Sebastian.
I don't cry everyday, not anymore.
I stopped counting how many weeks I would be if I still had him.
I still think about him everyday, but it's not an overwhelming grief anymore.
It's a bittersweetness of would have beens and could have beens.

All that's left is to keep moving forward, one way or another.
I start a new round of Clomid in 2 days. An upped dosage.
Hopefully it can at least make me ovulate, if not get me pregnant.

I made this tonight... I liked it. Especially how "Sebastian" lined up with "Keep Missing You"

I was at the beach this weekend, watching this couple with their baby. It was maybe a year old? They took it out of the stroller and played with it in the water, and I suppressed tears wondering if that will ever be me. They looked so happy.

Exile

I'm going away for the weekend, so no new posts for me.
I'll be isolated, with my DH and my little brother, and he dogs, an hour away from home.
Wonder if this will be good or bad for me.

I've been isolated of late, and I know it's a combination of factors, but it still hurts sometimes.
I am not attending school this quarter, I am not working this year if I can help it, I am not close to any family, and my friends are all busy and live away from me for the most part. I don't make friends easy, and I know I should work on it, but I don't. I am not a social butterfly.

But I miss a pooling of collective minds.
I miss discussing literature, authors, movies, music, and whatever else may enter our pliable minds. I miss arguing, persuading, agreeing.

I guess I should get used to it, or join a book club, or maybe even a writer's group.
Now that would be the ticket, that would be motivating.
Maybe someday.

Okay, I am done talking about that.
I wanted to say something else.

The sorrow, the emptiness in my arms.
Someone posted on one of my loss forums this thing, this statement that made me ache.
They said that sometimes they hold out their arms, just hold them out as if to hold their angel babies, and they feel the sorrow.
And I pictured myself doing this, and I almost cried.
I can feel the emptiness in my arms without even physically holding them out.
I can not bring myself to hold anyone's baby, I can't even imagine the many levels of falling apart I would go through... I can see myself breaking...
Furthermore, when the day comes and I have my own child, I know I will fall apart in much the same way, only the sentiments will be so much different.

I have to push these images from my head... images of what it would be like to hold a baby, to hold a small child... else I start crying, and sobbing. I can't handle the lone thought.

I have a cat that likes me to pick him up by his front arms so he can stretch them, of all things, and then he likes to be held like a toddler. He likes to nuzzle his head by mine, his arms on my shoulders, his body nestled in my arms... and I can't help but wonder if this is it. Is this is as close to holding a child as I'll ever get? Is this what I'll have the rest of my life? Is this all my arms will ever hold?

I am pretty Blah right now.

I don't know where I am right now, did I Ov, did I not?
I'm in limbo.

My P4 from CD24 was a big fat no, my level was like a 1. No Ov.
But I may have Ov'ed on CD24, just not sure yet.
I had a temp rise this morning (Which we'll have to watch pan out up or down.)
And I had some weird CM, TMI but it had a little small amount of blood in it. It reminded me of what happened when I Ov'ed in April. A day or two after Ov I had the same CM effect.

So we shall see.

Either way, I got my Clomid upped to 100mg (Dear god, save me from the CloMOOD!!! Love that term, lol.) And I have Provera waiting for me at the pharmacy, if I feel this cycle is a bust.

Waiting waiting waiting. Story of my life.

Oh, vent...
I called the doctors office and talked to this nurse and She was trying to explain to me what I already know... and telling me that I should take the Clomid when I get my next AF, and I corrected her, and explained I take Provera so when it gives me AF... and then explained to her I don't Ov on my own, ever. I never get AF on my own. and she was like,
"Wow, a lot of woman would love for that!"
And I said, "I would rather have a baby then to have this."
She's like "Oh, well yeah. Did you have any?"
"No. I had a m/c in May."
"Well, there's some hope then!"
"No, I had to go on BCP and go off then to jump start my cycles for that, and it obviously didn't work out."
And then she tied up the conversation with, "Well, we've seen many woman in here have success with the Clomid!" and we finished our dialogue and I hung up.

Why don't these doctors educate their nurses?

I wish I had medical insurance that covers IF, I'd so be in with an RE right now!

Furthermore, I wish there was an RE closer than 1-1.5 hours away!

I'd so go there, but for now... for now, I'll stay here and do the Clomid.
But if the Clomid doesn't work, and shows no sign of trying to... well, off to get a real job and to saving money. I'm going to need it for either an RE or adoption!!!

Pulling

I'm just wasting my days waiting to see if the Clomid will work, or not.

And with as much free time as I have I am finding it hard to do the things I ought to.

I spend to much time online, looking at forums and websites.

Watching shows to torture myself.
Like A Baby Story, knowing that I may never carry a baby.
Like Bringing Home Baby, knowing I may never have one to bring home.
But I wish, and sometimes they have a woman who had suffered for her child, a woman who adopted, and I feel at ease. These episodes the tears are not of sadness and envy, but joy. How sweet they finally got their baby, how lucky for them.

I should write, I should clean, I should do the dishes, I have so much free time...
but my life is on standstill.
Waiting for what may never come.

My life is looking forward to taking pills and (loosely) scheduled intercourse. Taking my temperature each morning and logging it in, then analyzing. It's reading the same information over and over again, as if I can divine something new from it if I try hard enough. It's dreaming of what the nursery will look like, wondering how my body will change, if I'll have a little A- or a little me (Of which I don't care, I am just curious. I just want a live baby, that's all I'm asking for.) This is my life. I wake up, log in my temp, check the forums, check the blogs, and then wander off to try and find a meaning in it all.

Yeah, it sounds like I may have hit rock bottom... but if I have a baby in the end then I'll be soaring high, fuck the sadness, the pain, of the past year. I'll have achieved my dream. And then, thie "obsession" as it could well be called, will have served me well. But if it doesn't, if there never is another baby, what then? Will this have been a wasted year and a half? Will this time be regretted? No, I'll never regret trying, it's the not trying that I would regret.

But still, I wonder, what will become of me. I don't live much outside this bubble I am in. This is my world right now... my whole world.