Monday, April 7, 2008

Faceted fears and presumptuous confusion

I am so afraid of moving forward, even though it has been my singular demanding thought since November.

I'm afraid of calling the doctors office, setting up the appointment.

I'm afraid that they will refuse to help me, that they'll tell me nothing is wrong, that they'll ignore me.

I'm afraid that I am being to hasty. That I'm jumping the gun. Maybe, if I lose weight, I will be able to ovulate next year... maybe there's nothing wrong. Yet, I know that that is shit.
I know I'm just trying to divert my mind, to deny it again.

So much has come to pass in my life. I know I am young, but my soul has been well worn. I am tired. I am so fucking tired. I struggle through each day, and I just want to have something normal. Just once.

I'm not asking for anything too outrageous. I just want what everyone else has, what we are all supposed to be entitled to. An everyday miracle.

The real joke is this, we are all raised being told that we can have it all, we can do everything... but not everyone can. I accept that I can not. I was not raised with delusions, I was raised with a pessimistic view on this cold world. I was raised to acknowledge that I will never be anything, because I was born last, I was born poor, I was born into the wrong circumstances... yet here I am. A college graduate, living better than I did as a child (even if I am still not living comfortably, I am living comfortably enough. At least the home I live in now has heat!)... all that being said... I don't understand how I can come so far in achieving a normal life only to be stopped here. I am achieving my dreams, why not this one too?

Why not the only one that was ever important?

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