So much

Life has been busy, there is so much to do everyday and so much to manage.

The kids are full of energy, me not so much. Now that the first trimester nausea has passed, I am collapsing into exhaustion. I feel the baby girl a little bit now, we are at 21 weeks. Yes, it looks like we're having another girl. V was very upset about this at first, but he's warmed up to it... he's went from asking us to take her back, to telling me that it's okay and maybe the next baby will be a boy (oh no kid, this is the last).

V has been diagnosed with some sensory issues and oppositional defiance disorder, with precursors for ADHD, so we are in the works for counseling and occupational therapy. The girls are full of "no" and have started full on brawling (complete with head locks and biting). V meanwhile picks on G, favoring J,  and melts down at the littlest reprimand or disagreement from me. Going to the store is... sigh. Some days are hard.

Sometimes they play nicely, really. They have pretend picnics, give cuddles, or play castle together. They help each other out, or bring each other toys/snacks, or share without being asked.

Sometimes.

One of our cats was diagnosed with diabetes this weekend so we are processing that. He is 10 years old, so it's not completely unexpected but it blows. I gave him his first dose of insulin tonight and he had a possible low blood sugar episode which scared me... part of our learning curve unfortunately. He's okay now.

There is never a dull moment here.

While I feel pregnant, I also don't feel pregnant at all. Most of the time I don't think about it, but it is starting to get more real with the sudden hunger and subtle kicks,

Bottom line: We're managing. I'm tired. Kids crazy. Need sleep.

We're okay. As nuts as it is, I do love our life.
I just really want naps to be a thing still.

In which I became an urban legend

After the twins something clicked in my body. I began cycling on my own, almost predictably even, but of course there were off months and because of that... things happened. I was late, then I was later, and later, then... umm, I was pregnant.

Yeah. That happened.

It still doesn't feel real.

I waited to see if I would miscarry, diligently taking my medicine through the disbelief... but things have seemingly went smoothly. My bruising has been spectacular though.

I'm 8 weeks now. We had an ultrasound earlier this week... I saw the  heartbeat, everything seems to be growing on track.

I'm still processing it all. I really can't even begin to wrap my head around this.

So many things.

The company A was working for was sold, and the majority of the workers were laid off. Including him. We did get a generous severance pay out of it, and within a few weeks A already had something lined up. My heart still hurts for him though because that was the first job he really loved. He enjoyed the work, the environment, his coworkers... and poof. Gone. He isn't enjoying his new job so far, it's below his skill level and just not a good fit.

My health has been less than stellar, though I'll admit it could be worse. My left hand is... it's just fucked up. There's no way to put it. After two rounds of steroid shots I still have trigger finger in my thumb, so pending a second opinion surgery will be on the agenda at some point here. I had another shot for the de quervain and it was... useless. I am wondering if something else isn't going on in that area, but I haven't a clue. It feels tight, painful to move, as if it's locked up inside. The hand surgeon I saw was pretty non-plussed. It hurts like hell at night. I have been taking ibuprofen around the clock for weeks (months?), I have to splint my thumb and wrap to stabilize my wrist every night. I get pain and weakness in that hand, about halfway through the day it's usually mostly fine, but first thing in the morning and at night... it's a bitch. My left foot has started sticking a little too, when I pop my toes sometimes they lock a little. It's not painful, just disconcerting. My right heel spur is causing pain at night mostly, but during the day too, like a tight little ball with a tack in it. I don't even want to speculate on that mess.

Sometimes I feel so much older than I am.

I am trying to watch my diet more, I've had a lot more health issues that are directly related to weight and possibly my PCOS (specifically the Insulin Resistance and constant per-diabetes state I'm in). I keep failing because frankly I eat to pamper myself. Oh man, the kids were awful... here's some candy. Oh, I am so sleep deprived... here's a freaking carb loaded iced mocha. My depression is better in some ways but not others. Sometimes food is my solace, it makes me feel better. I've been reading more, watching shows, but sometimes... I just don't want to. Especially when I'm stretched to my introverted limit adulting (like making phone call after phone call, setting things up). I just want to sleep. And eat. And fall into a hot bath and sometimes I don't want to come out, ever.

I weaned the girls around my birthday last month. I let them lead the way, following their cues. We made it to 19 months. I am glad to have my body back, but I do miss the closeness sometimes. They still ask to nurse when they're hungry, but it's more a question than a request. I tell them mommy's milk is all gone and they'll hold their hands up and repeat me then go about their business.

The kids are sick. AGAIN. They were better for about 5-7 days. They all have fevers, coughs, the hacking scares me and keeps me on edge. I know that it's not a cause for concern unless it gets worse, but it still panics me. I keep notes charting meds, the doses, temps, the day.

My brain is foggy. I'll have a thought and will feel it flutter away while I'm trying to catch it, uselessly. Sometimes they come back to me. Sometimes they don't. I take a lot of notes now, it's the only way I can get anything done.

There is not enough of me.