A Year Old, Times Two

We already had their party, but their birthday is today. It amazes me how much children grow and change in a year. My little babies are, well, not babies anymore. They walk, they can say words, they can climb almost anything, they are vocal and will tell you what's what.

They amaze me constantly.

We are still nursing, which means I've met my goal. We'll likely keep nursing for awhile yet. I never thought it would work out this long- I had hoped, but certainly not counted, on it working out. It's been a huge relief for us all. They eat a lot of solids now in addition to nursing, and get more confident even with just their two teeth a piece.

They play a lot more with V now too. Which is great but also harrowing. He doesn't understand boundaries, and neither do they. What is too rough for them, versus him, is at a different level. It results in a lot of, "GET OFF YOUR SISTER," "DON'T TACKLE," "DON'T PUSH HER DOWN," "IT'S NOT FUNNY, SHE'S CRYING." It's trying. He means well (most of the time), so it's just something we have to work through. Much like them all tackling the cats.

And so we close and say goodbye to our baby years. While we haven't 100% ruled out the possibility of a 4th someday, I can tell you that I feel complete with how things are. Unlike with V, where I felt the incompleteness, I now feel resolved. When I pack their things away to sell, I feel sadness but very little (if any) doubt. I'm mostly relieved, to tell you the truth.

I don't know how much more I will post here. It's harder and harder to get on here, and I feel I have less and less to say. More often than not, I'm so drained I can't write more than a quick status update. I still give support and advice where I can, but I don't know how much more I can say here other than... though the path wasn't the one that I would have chosen, I've had many wonderful companions along the way, and for that I am truly grateful. Thank you.

Foward momentum

The girls will be one next week. This Christmastime Vincent will be 4, he'll have been out of my womb for as long as it took us to conceive him. Time has a way of passing by before you know it. Those dark nights, filled with tears and hollowness, gave way to exhaustion and fulfillment. I am one of the lucky ones, and I will never lose sight of that.

For years our life was stagnant, we remained stuck due to our infertility and my recurrent losses. Our choices were forced. We had to take less risks. We had to stay near my doctors, hospitals, that understood my issues. We had to cut corners, cut costs, to save and save for treatments. Stay in positions that we would rather not.

A's job chose to terminate his department, doing away with his software, and we were once again forced to make a decision. It was time, something we were pursuing anyway, but this pushed the decision for us. And he found another position, a better position. I am so thankful. We spent months panicking, but we were lucky and this new position came through. We will likely be relocating to another state for this job. Another big change. And I find that it's time. I'm ready to move on. The things that held us here, no longer do. There is so much happiness, and so much sorrow, tied into where we are. We never planned to stay here this long. I don't know where life will take us after this, but I'm ready.

The girls' party is next weekend, I'm looking forward to celebrating their first year. And my surviving it, because it has not been easy. I still struggle, but little by little I think things are getting better. My fog of depression is lifting, and I can breathe a little easier. One day at a time.