Sunday, September 22, 2013

Mental leaps-

So I started a new birth control pack a week or so ago now- the final birth control pack before I can move on with this chapter. Whew. It's weird, not going to lie. I mean the birth control is weird. First of all, it's chewable. Why? I don't know. Secondly, it's minty. Tastes like a mint Tic-Tac, honest to goodness!

Finally being able to stop this nonsense is not weird- it's exciting. I am so sick of bleeding two weeks out of every month. It's uncomfortable, all that cramping, and constantly buying feminine hygiene products is insane. I'm just ready to move on.

Trying again, well, that's the tricky part isn't it? We should be good to go in October for this inject cycles, barring an emergency. After that, if it doesn't work, well... that's less certain. We may do some unmonitored Femara, but who knows. We decided to do one inject cycle next year; just one. Otherwise we'll try on our own, which is kind of a big joke isn't it? Maybe I can get some irregular cycles with the Metformin and Inositol, but I really can't count on it. So where does that leave us? Well, letting whatever happens happen I guess.

I don't know. We talked about things the other day, and maybe it's because we're on a break but I'm starting to feel a lot more zen about things. More willing to let things happen in their own time. Maybe I'm just getting tired of fighting, struggling, saving, being broke, being sad, being stretched so thin and I'm ready to throw the towel in before we really begin. Or maybe I'm just finding peace in a situation where I have very little control.

I really want another child, but when your options are limited you have to take what you can get. Lately, I've started to look on the bright side. With our ages, we do have more time to save and explore all options; we might not be able to jump right into adoption, but we would have plenty of time to come up with the money. When we were TTC#1 people telling me we had plenty of time didn't help at all- we had already been trying for years. Having more time didn't negate the pain. I know they were trying to help, but it just made me feel like others felt my feelings were less valid. Like, oh well you're young... so this should hurt less. Which was not the case. This time though, yes it does offer me some comfort. While we would like it to happen sooner, I do have some room to explore my options, and time to save for adoption if it comes to that too. Obviously we can only save for one option at a time, but keeping that in perspective gives me a little more hope.

I'm trying to find what positives I can. We've been thinking about the age gap between siblings- there are many positives to a smaller age gap, just as there are for a larger one. While we want them closer in age, it would not be the end of the world if it takes a little longer. V is a great kid, but he can be a handful. He is not like any of his cousins: he's an explorer, high spirited, and he never stops testing his limits. He is go-go-go! All! The! Time! Which is great, really. However, sometimes it's hard to picture chasing this tiny tornado while taking care of a newborn. I'm not going to stop trying now in favor of a larger age gap, because we do want them closer in age. Anyway, if we're honest here, that decision is really out of our hands when you get right down to it. If that first cycle had worked I'd be due this November... but it didn't work. And neither did the next 3 consecutive cycles. Whose to say any future cycles will work? The bottom line is, I might as well embrace the positives of whatever path we're led down. A larger age gap? I could live with that.

I'm getting anxious about the upcoming cycle. Financially we should be able to swing it, but I'm analyzing and freaking out about the logistics. I really hope I don't need another consult, because I already told her at the last one that we would be back in October for an inject cycle. I need to call them, ugh. I worry about the timing, since I need to talk to Dr. M at the beginning and not whatever RE is in the office that day. I probably just need to stop freaking out and talk to them. It's just getting a little real I guess.

The wedding is fast approaching too, and I'm a ball of nerves about that. We spent Saturday preparing the decorations, then Sunday is the bachelorette luncheon, then next Friday is the rehearsal dinner, and then THE WEDDING.Yikes. I don't do the best in social situations, and I don't like being the center of attention. I didn't even like being at the center of attention for my own wedding! But I can do this. My friend means a lot to me, and I am going to be there for her. I have never been part of a formal (or even semi-formal) wedding so it's all new to me... I just hope I don't mess up.

Deep breaths!

After that I have a week of calm before we begin trying again. No pressure, right?

I can do this. I think.


Sadie said...

Oh, wow. This: "Maybe I'm just getting tired of fighting, struggling, saving, being broke, being sad, being stretched so thin and I'm ready to throw the towel in before we really begin. Or maybe I'm just finding peace in a situation where I have very little control."

That is EXACTLY how I am feeling most weeks lately. Not sure if it's a good thing that I'm becoming more zen about it all, or if it's a sign that I've given up. It's confusing. And I feel self-conscious about the fact that I'm developing this attitude before we even start with actual treatments (IVF, likely in Nov), but at the same time I needed that feeling of letting go the control in order to find the strength to move forward knowing the outcome isn't certain. Our situations are quite different, but I feel you.

I hope we both have reason to move forward soon. And I hope your friend's wedding is a blast! (I'm not big on formal weddings myself.)

iamstacey said...

I know this isn't going to help AT ALL but OMGAWDI'MSOEXCITED for you guys!! I'm so hoping this is the one for you! It's been such a long hard road.

I HATE being in weddings. I enjoy going and I always want to support friends, but argh, I hate the whole process. I'm just not a bachelorette party/matchy dress kind of girl.