Decision made-

I started bleeding while on my BCPs again... I have a week and a half until the inactive pills, mind you. A and I discussed stopping them early in favor of beginning this injectable cycle earlier, and we were all for it. I had some reservations, mostly that if we waited a week we would have two pay checks by potential trigger, rather than just one. Looking at the budget I decided it would probably be fine though, so I called to schedule the baseline. And I really didn't want to stay on them, because that means a two week long period. Gah. So it was either have a baseline on the 30th, or on the 7th.

Little did I know that my RE is on vacation this week. Ha! I could have gotten in with another RE, but I need in with my RE because she knows my situation and history better, and I need to discuss everything with her. That's okay though, really! That means we will wait the extra week, and we'll have more time and resources available. It gives me more time to prepare.

So, hopefully... if all goes well... we'll begin stimming on the 7th.

Now I just need to survive the rehearsal tonight, the wedding tomorrow, and the rest of this week!

Mental leaps-

So I started a new birth control pack a week or so ago now- the final birth control pack before I can move on with this chapter. Whew. It's weird, not going to lie. I mean the birth control is weird. First of all, it's chewable. Why? I don't know. Secondly, it's minty. Tastes like a mint Tic-Tac, honest to goodness!

Finally being able to stop this nonsense is not weird- it's exciting. I am so sick of bleeding two weeks out of every month. It's uncomfortable, all that cramping, and constantly buying feminine hygiene products is insane. I'm just ready to move on.

Trying again, well, that's the tricky part isn't it? We should be good to go in October for this inject cycles, barring an emergency. After that, if it doesn't work, well... that's less certain. We may do some unmonitored Femara, but who knows. We decided to do one inject cycle next year; just one. Otherwise we'll try on our own, which is kind of a big joke isn't it? Maybe I can get some irregular cycles with the Metformin and Inositol, but I really can't count on it. So where does that leave us? Well, letting whatever happens happen I guess.

I don't know. We talked about things the other day, and maybe it's because we're on a break but I'm starting to feel a lot more zen about things. More willing to let things happen in their own time. Maybe I'm just getting tired of fighting, struggling, saving, being broke, being sad, being stretched so thin and I'm ready to throw the towel in before we really begin. Or maybe I'm just finding peace in a situation where I have very little control.

I really want another child, but when your options are limited you have to take what you can get. Lately, I've started to look on the bright side. With our ages, we do have more time to save and explore all options; we might not be able to jump right into adoption, but we would have plenty of time to come up with the money. When we were TTC#1 people telling me we had plenty of time didn't help at all- we had already been trying for years. Having more time didn't negate the pain. I know they were trying to help, but it just made me feel like others felt my feelings were less valid. Like, oh well you're young... so this should hurt less. Which was not the case. This time though, yes it does offer me some comfort. While we would like it to happen sooner, I do have some room to explore my options, and time to save for adoption if it comes to that too. Obviously we can only save for one option at a time, but keeping that in perspective gives me a little more hope.

I'm trying to find what positives I can. We've been thinking about the age gap between siblings- there are many positives to a smaller age gap, just as there are for a larger one. While we want them closer in age, it would not be the end of the world if it takes a little longer. V is a great kid, but he can be a handful. He is not like any of his cousins: he's an explorer, high spirited, and he never stops testing his limits. He is go-go-go! All! The! Time! Which is great, really. However, sometimes it's hard to picture chasing this tiny tornado while taking care of a newborn. I'm not going to stop trying now in favor of a larger age gap, because we do want them closer in age. Anyway, if we're honest here, that decision is really out of our hands when you get right down to it. If that first cycle had worked I'd be due this November... but it didn't work. And neither did the next 3 consecutive cycles. Whose to say any future cycles will work? The bottom line is, I might as well embrace the positives of whatever path we're led down. A larger age gap? I could live with that.

I'm getting anxious about the upcoming cycle. Financially we should be able to swing it, but I'm analyzing and freaking out about the logistics. I really hope I don't need another consult, because I already told her at the last one that we would be back in October for an inject cycle. I need to call them, ugh. I worry about the timing, since I need to talk to Dr. M at the beginning and not whatever RE is in the office that day. I probably just need to stop freaking out and talk to them. It's just getting a little real I guess.

The wedding is fast approaching too, and I'm a ball of nerves about that. We spent Saturday preparing the decorations, then Sunday is the bachelorette luncheon, then next Friday is the rehearsal dinner, and then THE WEDDING.Yikes. I don't do the best in social situations, and I don't like being the center of attention. I didn't even like being at the center of attention for my own wedding! But I can do this. My friend means a lot to me, and I am going to be there for her. I have never been part of a formal (or even semi-formal) wedding so it's all new to me... I just hope I don't mess up.

Deep breaths!

After that I have a week of calm before we begin trying again. No pressure, right?

I can do this. I think.

Excess-

My schedule is overfull this week. The last 4 days, then this Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday... so I better take a breather while I can, eh?

I have to figure out A's birthday cake still- that's this coming weekend. It'll be simpler than last year. I hope. It might be a pintastrophe. Darn Pinterest and these lofty ideals! Kidding, I love it. Always the DIY crafter here though, I enjoy working on stuff even if it often comes out crooked.

My friend's wedding is fast approaching. We still have a lot to do, like this week we're getting our dresses altered (a family friend of theirs, she can apparently do them quickly). We have to work on table settings, some other crafts, I'm making her a personal wedding gift (thanks Pinterest), I have to get the shoes she picked out, and lots of other odds and ends here and there.

The last BCP offered a switch up from the bleeding one week, skip a week, bleed again. This one leaves me hanging out for two weeks one way, then two weeks the other. Waiting for my clinic to call me back about trying yet another brand. Should be the last one though, thankfully! I can kick this crap early October.

Still not sure if we're going to do the inject cycle in October, or hold out until November. Either way I'm stopping these stupid pills. The only reason I have the question hanging is because I have to wait and see if we have the money saved up. I think we should be okay, but I don't like to tempt the universe with a feeling of certainty. There's already been enough financial catastrophes this year.

I've been indulging a lot more lately in the kitchen. I have been working out more too though, so hopefully that evens it out. I actually started doing the 30 Day Shred workouts on Youtube.... WHEW. First week was killer, I can see how it would be effective. I feel puffy and bloated though because of my diet. I need to get my act together. This two week period isn't helping matter, but I can hardly blame my overindulgence on that alone.

Since I have a moment, how about an update on our newly adopted dog, Henry? He's settled into our house great, although not without issue. The top photo is the day we brought him home, and the bottom one is from tonight . My goodness, it's been quite a month.

He had a respiratory infection, round worm, plus he was extremely malnourished which caused his fur to fall out (the worms didn't help), he had trust issues, and wasn't leash trained. The first few weeks were really rough, as we tried to figure out what he's been through and what he needed. He had to learn we could be trusted, that when he had an accident he wouldn't be punished (he would get so scared he wouldn't eat), and that we were going to listen when he told us something.

I'm happy to say that he's doing great now. He's gained weight; his back bones and ribs aren't showing anymore. Such a porker though, oh my goodness, I'm trying to find the right balance in his feedings because he's starting to gain too much weight. His fur is growing back in nicely, as he's gotten rid of his worms and the cough. After he got over the cough (it was extremely contagious) we were able to get him in, so he's now up to date on his shots and he's been neutered. Whew! He will walk on the leash sometimes (with the harness), and he no longer tries to nip us when we put his collar on him either.

He plays, he snuggles, he even tolerates V... sometimes they even play together! I love those moments, it's so cute. He really has claimed us as his own, he barks when anyone visits, he gets jealous of me snuggling V (something we need to work on), and when he got neutered he wouldn't let the vet techs take him out of his cage- A had to go back and do it. For only being with us a short time, he's formed a really strong connection! I get angry thinking about how his life must have been before he found us... but I'm glad he's here now, and I know he's going to have a good life. He seems happy, and he's so much healthier.

I think I'll end the post on that happier note!