Monday, February 22, 2010

of scares and more than scares-

Apparently sister in law had a scare and went to the ER to get the baby checked out. It was an unspecified scare, it could have just been cramps or it could have been bleeding- who knows. Baby was fine, measuring on time at 10wks, and the heart beat was where it should be. For them, everything in the world was confirmed, and all is well again.

My friend had a scare in her first trimester, it turned out to be the normal early cramping you get at around 5 to 6wks. Her visit to the ER confirmed for her that everything was just as it should be, just as they imagined it would be. Life went on happily.

I was, and am, much relieved that their scares turned out to be nothing. I would not wish the horror of a scare on anyone, nor would I wish a miscarriage on anyone either. I can not emphasize how glad I am that their babies were, and are, fine.

But the infertile, the repeat miscarryer in me, can not help but think this one sad little thought,"Why couldn't any of my three scares have been just that- only scares."

It is a hard thought. It stems from a place deep inside of me that can only whimper in lost desire. I had three chances, three possibilities that the bleeding would turn out to be nothing. That the cramping could turn out to be nothing. But of those three scares, they all proved to not be scares at all- they were the beginning of the end, they were my life as I knew it crashing.

It's not fair. But, as I well know, life isn't fair. Therefore it seems incredibly absurd to try and find reason where there is none- yet I say it again, it's not fair. So many people every day have a scare, and so many of us have more than scares, and there are those that cross from one boundary to the next or vice versa- there is no rhyme or reason. I wish there was. I wish I had a free ticket to pregnancy, that I had a free ticket to a carefree pregnancy, free of scares and more than scares, free of death. If life was fair, I'd quite say I deserved those cards by now. I've more than earned it through my suffering. But that's not how life works.

I say it again, I am so happy for them. I truly am. But I can't help but wonder, why- ye gods why- couldn't I be one of them. There were three opportunities for me to join their ranks, but I couldn't for whatever reason. I've never had a scare, I've had losses. Why couldn't I have just had a scare- and nothing more.

I know it's useless to question such things, the past is the past and there's nothing to do about it now except learn from it. What have I learned here though, other than the fact that there is absolutely no point in me trying to get pregnant? I don't know. I am just sorta rambling, trying to find logic in the illogical.


Michelle said...

I feel this way all the time. Like you I would never wish this horror on ANYONE but I just wish when it comes to getting pregnant I could be someone else. Someone that gets to have the care free pregnancy...I know I will never have that...((HUGS)) to you from someone who TOTALLY GETS IT!!

Adventures in Baby Waiting said...

I think it's perfectly normal and understandable to feel this way. I wish I had a free pregnancy pass too!

CeCe said...

The conflicted feelings- being happy for others yet feeling like life is unfair- are totally understandable. It does not mean you are not happy for others. Please know we get it.

I wish life were more fair..

Bluebird said...

Makes sense to me. Sometime I wish people would realize (*really* realize) that bad things good happen to good people, and that bad things could happen to them. *Not that I want anything bad to happen to anyone!* But still. I get what you're saying.

loribeth said...

Oh, I know how you feel. I was pg at the same time as a co-worker & we had lunch together & went maternity clothes shopping a few times. I confided in her when my triple screen came back elevated, & she whispered to me that she was afraid she was leaking amniotic fluid. Of course she went on to have a perfectly healthy baby girl (who would now be 11) & mine was stillborn at 6.5 months. I wouldn't wish this on anyone, but how did I draw the short straw??