Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Billowing Leaves

I planted a tree for my baby when I lost him. It was a dwarf cherry. DH was leaning towards the cherry, and I was undecided for the most part. I thought, it was either this or an apple tree. I wonder if I should have bought the apple tree.

The cherry tree is dying, it's leaves keep turning a sanguine yellow and falling off. I keep thinking, "Don't die. Please, don't die." The same thoughts I thought in the ER when I started miscarrying.

I don't know what to do if it dies. Should I buy another? Should I leave the empty brick circle in the middle of the back yard with the dead tree in it. And then when the bark dries up and the bracken limbs fall... just let it sit and return to the earth? Or should I replace it, plant another. Would it be replacing it, or starting over?
Will/Do people think I'm replacing my baby by trying again, like I might plant another tree in the passing of the old one?

Don't die tree.
I don't know what to do to revive it.
But I'm going to try.
I have to try.

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