Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Coming soon...


Saturday iz mah birfday, actually.

But I probably won't post until after the fact.

I am getting older again, and birthdays are fairly bittersweet for me. 

On one hand, I've managed to live another year.
And my dog Pokey is still here (I got her eleven years ago, on my birthday.) 

But on the other hand, I still don't have a child.
And I certainly don't have one on the way.

I think this year is worse in many ways.
For instance, I am not even pursuing any means of having a child. I mean, we're not preventing. I'm on cycle day twenty something or other. And no, I have not ovulated. I'm just being a whiny bitch and putting off starting my progesterone to bring on a new cycle. (I'll do it sometime soon, I swear.) Anyway, so there's no hope of accidentally (ha ha ha) getting pregnant. No plans on pursuing any treatment anytime soon. And we're a long way off from being able to afford adoption. I have to get a full time job to make that happen, which won't be happening for awhile.

I still have my other carpal tunnel surgery to get over with... one down, one more to go. I don't know how I got to be so lucky as to develop severe carpal tunnel at twenty-one, in both hands no less- but that's the kind of person I am. Apparently. Putting the surgery off for four years probably wasn't smart. But sometimes you do what you have to.

Also, last year's birthday still haunts me. It was a happy birthday. I had friends over, we laughed our asses off, enjoyed a good movie, and lived it up. I didn't think I would ovulate, despite being on a medicated cycle. I was completely carefree, assuming the Clomid would fail like to make me ovulate, as it had so many times before.

I was wrong. And, as some of you remember, I got pregnant. It was part of my birthday wish come true- and while I was hesitant, I had let a small piece of me dare to hope. Part of me thought it might go the distance. It was progressing so beautifully, perfectly in fact.

A month later, I was crushed to find out that despite all that it wasn't meant to be. It was my most successful pregnancy. But it ended like all the rest- except it was more painful, more drawn out, more draining, more haunting. That was number two; we've since had number three, right before Thanksgiving.
So, part of me if very much in that place. Still torn every which was about what happened, not knowing what went wrong, remembering the horror of it all. The hope, the crushing devastation. Reliving it all, over and over.

Part of me is here, remembering how another year has passed already. And knowing we're still no closer. Time is still standing still- and yet it isn't.

In case you're wondering... I'm turning twenty-five*.
Happy freakin' birthday to me.

But, like I said. I am still here.
So, I am going to make the best of it.
The best I can.

*I know that this isn't old by many people's standards, but you have to understand- I got married at twenty-one. We've been trying to become parents since I was barely twenty-two. I don't ovulate, and barely respond to fertility treatments. I mean, barely. I've had three miscarriages, and all the loss testing gave me no answers. I can't even make it to a heartbeat. And it will be years before we can come up with the money for adoption. Time is not my friend. Yes, I got diagnosed earlier than some, but it has not helped me. Not at all. I take no comfort in time. Time does not guarantee me that I will become a mother. Hell, time itself isn't even guaranteed.


'Murgdan' said...

Happy Birthday. And young, old, or whatever...you've been through a hell of a lot in your 25 years. Hope you enjoy Saturday.

Celia said...

Oh babe, have the happiest birthday you can.

earth_angel34 said...

hello there.. I dont know what state you live in, but depending on where you are you can adopt for free.. That's right, for absolutely nothing. there are states that have children who were removed from the home because of abuse and neglect (I do not want to guarantee you EVERY state because I am not certain, but I assume that it would be every state)and can be adopted through the Department of Social Services, Department of Health and Human Services or department of Children and Family Services (whatever state you live in determines which name the agency goes by but they are all the same).

I know this because I was a Child Protective Services Social Worker who had to help remove these children and find them homes, so I know the in's and outs.

Please be in touch with me. I can help you with further information if you are interested.

my email is : lady_shands34@yahoo.com

Bluebird said...

I used to be the Birthday Queen - dragging the celebration out for weeks and weeks. But I've come to really just hate them in recent years and try to ignore them altogether. I'm sorry it sounds like you have similar feelings. I hope you can still enjoy your day.

The Steadfast Warrior said...

I so wish your birthday could be a happier one. Mine isn't the happiest day either. But it does get better, eventually. Which of course doesn't help you whatsoever. I'm sorry.

Sometimes it seems everything conspires all at once to make things seem miserable.

Sending you best wishes and hoping that this coming year will somehow be a better one for you.

Oh, and I'm a youngin' with you- I'm 26... ;)

Michelle said...

I know the feeling. My birthday is in 2 weeks and I am really not happy about it...AT ALL!!!

I hope you have a very HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

G$ said...

Happy Fucking Birthday eh? :)

Another Dreamer said...

Earthangel: We are aware of that option, and have already looked into it. We have ruled it out for now though. I have worked with the children's services in our state, and just do not see this as a possibility at this time for a multitude of reasons. We have not ruled it out forever, but for the time being it is not our desire. Thank you for the information though.

Another Dreamer said...

Thanks for the birthday wishes everyone :)

after iris said...

You know how you notice a person's comment and think 'huh, this person seems really cool' and then suddenly you see them commenting everywhere, you are that person for me!

Happy Birthday for Saturday.


Anonymous said...

Happy birthday. I know it's bittersweet. I vividly remember your post last year and how my heart swelled with your good news, and then shed tears for you when it fell apart. No matter how old you are, it sucks. You've been through hell and back trying already. I hope that your birthday is as good as it can possibly be. And make sure to eat some damn good cake.

Lollipop Goldstein said...

Even with things being where they are right now, as well as all that has come in the past, I'm still going to wish you a happy birthday. Because you are lovely and deserve to have a special weekend.

Stacie said...

Happy Birthday. I think Mel said it best. Wishing you a wonderful weekend!

Shay said...

Happy Belated birthday...In a few weeks I will celebrate my 28th. I feel like time is slowly closing in on me. I too am desperately trying to conceive but unfortunately PCOS kicks my butt and I don't ovulate. I had one miracle that made it to term so I know I'm lucky but it doesn't make me any less depressed. I wanted children close in age, I wanted a large family and unless a few miracles happen that is not in my future. Try and keep your head up sometimes miracles do happen!!! I was 25 when mine happened ;)