Pills here-

I finally got a hold of the office Sunday morning, and they squeezed me in for a baseline. All clear. She said we could do the Clomid 200mg again, but we opted for the Femara instead. I got my pills for free because of that voucher online- free is good.

Had to wait for a beta before I could take the first pill- of course it was negative, I mean my cycle had already started. So I took my first pills today, go back in on the tenth for a mid-cycle ultrasound. I've never taken this drug before, so I am not the most optimistic. Especially since I'm not on the highest dose, and I need the highest dose of Clomid. I dunno.

So here's my pill platter this cycle:
Femara
Dexamethasone
Metformin
Prenatal
Vitamin D Supplement
DHA Omega 3 Supplement
low-dose Aspirin

If I make some eggs, you know the drill- HCG trigger shot, maybe an IUI depending on how I feel about finances and the cycle itself, then progesterone supplements.

Something not quite related, but sort of... I believe the uterine septum was the root cause of my ungodly menstrual cramps. Ever since I had the resection (aside from my first one on it, as I was still healing and sore) my menstrual cycles have been relatively easy. I used to be doubled over in pain, I mean severe pain- taking lots of naproxen sodium for relief. I've had some discomfort, but nothing I couldn't handle without pain medication. I read that it could cause bad cramps and such, but didn't think anything of it. But I really think it had a hand in everything. Also, I used to have lots of clots, and now I have hardly any. I don't know if that's from the septum resection, my use of low-dose aspirin, or what- but I'm sure that's a good thing.

Things are still crazy and stressful here- but we're surviving and working through the drama. The road is still blocked off... and it's supposed to rain off and on this week, so I imagine it will be blocked for quite awhile longer yet. Ungh. Hopefully we can make a report to the postal inspector tomorrow, and see what we can do about keeping our mail safe.

I am planning on attempting to get my substitute teaching license, if I can ever get my stuff together. I am hoping to get hired by the city schools to be a sub, maybe applying to the county schools too. The hours would be flexible, I wouldn't necessarily have to leave my current job, and the pay would be okay. We'll see how that goes though. If something else comes along in the meantime I will look into it, but if not- that's the current tenative plan. I know several people who do this right now, and they seem to be getting as many hours as they want, and say that it hasn't been too bad.

It's storming right now, and my house smells like wet dog because I washed them right before the storm hit. Yuck.

My cherry tree has two cherries on it, it's first fruit ever. Wow. It's getting taller and fuller too. Still can't believe it's been two years since we planted it, since we lost that pregnancy. My how things change and life goes on.

Still-

The roses are blooming finally. A slow unfurling of their petals, it made it seem like they never would. The overgrown mini rose bush bloomed weeks ago, it's petals already sinking to the ground in a shower of red.

But the white rose bush we planted over a year ago, after the second miscarriage, is now blooming again. Last year it bloomed, lost all it's blooms, then bloomed a new set some time later, lost those, and later still it bloomed a third time. The leaves never fell off before winter- they stayed green and then when it warmed up? They turned brown and fell off.

We thought the rose bush was going to die, because it is completely different than our other rose bush. But it came back strong and beautiful as ever. Big huge beautiful white blooms- and so bittersweet. But just like when I look at the cherry tree we planted for the first loss, I look at this one too- I see it's growth, how strong it is- and I smile. Sometimes it's a sad smile, sometimes a happy one- but always a smile. They remind me of how much time has passed, but also that there is beauty in the world even now.

I'm going to miss them someday, when we leave this house. That's why I take pictures of them every year, to remember, to mark their growth, to capture their beauty. When we move, we hope to buy the same plants and plant them in our new place. They won't hold the same meaning, but they will remind us all the same.

In other news- new cycle begins tomorrow. If my doctor says it's still okay, and if I don't have leftover cysts, we will most likely be trying Femara this cycle. We'll see.

Still feeling slightly bummed, oddly. But trying to keep things in perspective though. I strangely find myself clinging to the light at the end of the tunnel- in a few months we will probably be done with treatments and start focusing solely on adoption. It's not the light I originally imagined would be at the end of the tunnel, but I assure you it is a welcome light to me. My heart really isn't in this anymore, too many failures and let downs. No faith or hope in treatments, no faith or belief in pregnancy. I'm pretty much just done. Pretty much, but not quite.

I am trying to keep the cost of adoption in perspective, and focus on one month at a time doing what we can- instead of looking at the bigger picture, because that is extremely overwhelming. I'm getting there.

Until then though- one day at a time.

It's a-

big fat negative.

There's really nothing else to say.

All that's left to do is wait for the new cycle to start, then back to the drawing board.

Debating-

I tested yesterday morning. It was negative. I can't decide if it's still way too early, or not. Not really sure which day ovulation occurred after my trigger shot. I had ovulation pain the next day, at night, so I don't know if I ovulated the day after the trigger or two days after. I normally do the day of or after... trigger works fast on me for some reason. But I don't know this time.

To be honest, in my heart I feel like this cycle is a bust. It was a long rocky ride to begin with and all, and I'm just not feeling it.

I will test again tomorrow. Or I'll try to be a good girl and wait until Friday. Haha, as if. I would like to know before Friday. I know I'll end up testing tomorrow... it's me we're talking about.

My bigger debate is what to do next cycle when I confirm this one is a bust. We could try the 200mg again, as it has worked in the past and it worked this time. If it fails we can do like this cycle, except start Femara instead of Clomid the second time. Or I could just go ahead and try Femara and see if it does anything... and maybe switch back to Clomid if it doesn't. I am thinking on it, you can add any opinions and I will listen. Those are the options my doctor offered me. I haven't asked about Tamoxifen (how's that spelled?) since she didn't offer it. We'll see what happens after all this and then consider to ask about that or not. I don't know much about it since you don't hear about it often, but I do follow at least one blogger who has used it- and she conceived the most beautiful little boy from it (you know who you are darling).

In other news- I am bored. I get so freaking bored during the day at home. I didn't want to be a housewife, I wanted to be a stay-at-home mother. There's a huge difference there. I am not cut out to be a housewife- it's very unfulfilling. For me anyway. I'm sure some women enjoy it, I'm not one of them. It's boring. Yeah, I know I'm not a full-fledged housewife because I have a part-time job... but I only work 2 days at week. Graveyard shift at that, so I come home- nap for a bit- then I'm up and at 'em... getting ridiculously bored, that is.

Maybe I should start exercising during the day for a few hours, instead of just cleaning. My boredom could at least benefit my fat ass that way. Just saying. I don't like exercising... because then I have to get out my inhaler and puff on it, make sure I don't overdo it because I don't have anything stronger than my inhaler (and it barely does shit when I'm having an asthma attack... which is why I just generally avoid my asthma triggers- like exercise.) Also, it's not raining anymore but it is really really hot. And my house doesn't have a/c... exercising in a hot house, isn't very fun. It's icky, and I get heat rash. I've always gotten heat rash, and it is not pleasant. But, exercising would give me something to do... I suppose. Maybe I'll try and start doing yoga again. I did like doing yoga.

I would much rather be a stay-at-home mom though.

Distractions-

My cats think the couch is a jungle gym this morning, and it is getting scary. I think one of these times they aren't going to land on the couch, but rather my shoulder or face... and with how hard they are jumping, I think that would hurt. A lot.

Every morning it's like this. I think they have a secret cat nip stash somewhere...

Been trying to stay distracted, working fairly well this weekend I think. We got the new dryer yesterday (yes!), and some of my good friends came over- we got our asses kicked in Ban.dHe.ro. Then we spent the rest of the night working on character sheets for a role playing game... yeah, we're that dorky. And we like it that way. It was a lot of fun.

Today we have to go to A-'s youngest sister's high school graduation. And after that? Well, I need to take a nap because I have to work tonight... all night long. Blah.

Still haven't decided when exactly I will be testing. I did check that the trigger is out today, and it was. So... we know that at least. So it's 9 days past the trigger today. I think I am either 8 or 9dpo... thinking I am 9dpo based on the ovulation pain I had. It's hard to tell though. My doctor told me to test on Friday or Saturday... because that would be around 14dpo. But can I wait that long? hahaha, no. I would like to know if I should stop my progesterone before that, and I would like to know if I should be expecting my period too, that way I am not taken by surprise. I'm a POAS addict, what can I say? I don't get to test very often, so save me the lecture about waiting to test. I've only gotten to test like 6 times in 3 years... let me have this. This makes my 7th ovulation since we started trying to conceive. Let me pee my heart out, okay? I might not ever get to do this again- because honestly, I don't know when or if I'll ever make another damn egg. I don't have that luxury.

So... yeah. I am off to distract myself some more.

tick tock-

Seven days past ovulation now.

Time is really moving slow here. It probably doesn't help that it's been raining like every day for two weeks now. The sun came out for a little bit yesterday, so I guess that's something.

I woke up with a headache today, and it's dark and rainy, and I really don't feel like doing anything. I know I should though. Boo. I would rather go back to bed...

Sister-in-law posted new pics on FB... one was her and a pregnant friend. She labeled the picture that yes they did drink the same water, or something to that effect. Hmmm.

I wonder what it's like to joke about these things like they're the easiest most natural things in the world. There's a lot of things that now set me apart from the general population- I know that pregnancy doesn't always happen, doesn't always result in a living child, and quite frankly it now scares the shit out of me. I could never make jokes about it, or sit back and enjoy it like there's a guarantee somewhere. Some days, I hate what has been taken from me.

But of course, I'm sure I've wrote this post before too.

I'm not trying to be contrary or whiny, I do seriously wonder what it's like. I had one week to think that my first pregnancy would last, before it didn't. I knew that it might not, I knew that there were no guarantees... I stopped believing in those when I was 14 and my niece was still born. I knew there weren't guarantees... but I was hopeful, and in that hopefulness I let myself believe that I would have a baby that year. I can barely remember that week. I've never felt that again, and I won't ever feel that again. Some women get 9 months of feeling that, I only got a week.

And honestly, whether I get pregnant again or not, I will never get to have that again. And I know it. If I get pregnant, I will never breath easy, because perfect doubling betas mean nothing, a gestational sac doesn't always progress into a baby, high progesterone and all the best intentions and medical care can not stop the inevitable. And if I don't get pregnant, I will never have to deal with the worry again either- worrying that this is going to be the day, or this week the week, that the baby stops growing. No worry, and no hope.

hmmm.

Off to distract myself.

Plugging along-

I am 5 days past what I think was ovulation now. Time seems to be going especially slow this week. Even without any expectations, I still would like to get to testing. I just want to know what I'm up against, that's all.

Hope is trying to creep in, that demon bitch.

Hmm, I think I wrote this exact same post last cycle. I am feeling especially redundant these days.

Trying to stay busy, and distracted. Getting bored easily most days, but enjoying life at the moment. It's wonderful to have so much free time, after spending so long going full throttle with work and school and fertility treatments. I'm only obligated to be somewhere 2 days a week now, instead of 6. It is awesome. At one point in college, I had to be at either school or work 7 days a week- the stress made me sick, and my doctor ordered me to take two days off work in a row. I quit that job not long after, it was part-time but I was working 35 hours a week for some stupid reason. I asked for less hours, they refused to give them to me.

There were times when I was just in school, or just working- but only for a few months at a time. I am still adjusting to being out of school. I graduated at the end of December, and then had my hand operated on shortly after New Years. Then a month later, barely recovered from the first surgery, I had the other hand done. Then before those stitches were out, I had my laproscopy/hysteroscopy/ovarian drilling procedure done... another week of intensive healing. I am just recently 100% healed from everything, and back to normal and living my life.

And I am realizing how boring I am, and how empty the nights are. On one hand, I have all this free time and it is so nice. I can read, play games, watch a movie, I clean a lot now (my house is the cleanest it's been in years) But the nights just drag themselves out, it's so quiet and I feel even more like the crazy cat lady I truly am. My cats are totally spoiled with me being home so much, little adorable monsters. They're driving me batty, and yet they're the only thing keeping me sane. And my dogs, they love having me home more often. But I see more than I used to while I was so busy. I see how they've aged while I was focused on school and work. Saying their 14 and 11 is a lot different now because I see it everyday. How did my darlings get so old? When did my dog start having trouble with her hips? When did the other one start going deaf? I mean, I knew these things- I noticed them- but they're breaking my heart watching them everyday. My little old couple.

Enough rambling- I'm going to find something else to distract myself with now.
Testing in a week... blah.