9 months-

V is getting even more mobile. He spends a lot of time crawling around now, and climbing to stand on furniture. His favorite thing is while in his pack'n'play- he'll pull himself to stand in there, and cruise all around the sides. He's taking steps while holding both our hands now, instead of just standing still.

He's determined to stand on his own, without assistance, but he's really not there yet. He still hasn't figured out how to balance I'm afraid! Which is kind of lucky for me... Taking him places is getting more, umm, interesting because he gets antsy sitting still now and wants to crawl. That doesn't exactly work in a restaurant or the store! I think that's contributed to his hardcore determination to stand, ha.

He's not really interested in feeding himself or gnawing on finger foods still. He has started to get a little better at putting his puffs in his mouth, but that's it. Eh. We'll get there!

He cracks me up so much, always pointing at things and he's always been very vocal while he's concentrating and pointing. He's a very serious baby. Except when mommy tickles him so much that he goes into hysterics. That is one of my favorite duties as a mother.

Another flop-

We decided to try a higher estrogen birth control pill to see if maybe that would prevent the early periods and break through bleeding. I started the new pills 1.5 wks ago... and I'm bleeding again. 1.5wks early. I got to go a whole week without bleeding.

Yay me.

I am beyond frustrated at this point. I really want need to stay on birth control until we're ready to try again. I need to have have a method of prevention I feel comfortable with. I need to prevent cysts and control my PCOS. I want to know when/if I'm going to get a bleed. I want how BCPs are supposed to work, how they used to work for me when I was younger, and not... whatever this is.

I'm stuck with this brand for 3 months, unless I chose to go off it completely. My ob/gyn has been making me stick it out for 3 months since it can take time for someone to adjust to the pill. I really don't think I'm going to adjust, with how things have been going... I guess we'll see. I'll probably give it at least another month.

(*sigh*)

eta: I forgot to add... I've considered calling my RE about it, but it's cheaper to go through my ob/gyn right now. I don't want to pay the big bucks for my RE when I'm just trying to manage my PCOS and prevent pregnancy. So, I'm just going to stick it out for now. I'll probably be seeing my RE in January/February anyway.

Allowing myself to be happy-

Saturday was the first day of autumn, yet I spent a good half hour looking at Christmas pins on Pinterest. Yeah. I admitted it.

Whenever we go to the store, part of me says, "Geeze, this is way too early for this marketing crap! It gets worse every year!" But then part of me is like, "SQUEAL! Let's go look! I just want to look, honest, please humor me?"

I can't remember the last time I was this excited about the yuletide. I mean, I love it and all it's glory. I love the warm fuzzys it brings. But I really grew to hate the get-togethers, the awkward conversations, the babies and constant barrage of fertility, just the IN YOUR FACEness of it all. I really hated the comments and ignorance over our situation.

I remember a month after our third miscarriage, we were dropping off presents to one of A's sisters. She said, "It's too bad you guys don't have kids yet." Which was her attempt to segue into her own plans to try (or geeze, I just realized she was probably already pregnant then). She didn't get that far though due to the awkward silence and sudden tension; she was too excited to notice, but thank goodness her husband did. He changed the subject and shut her down.

Her comment was made out of ignorance, but I still cried my eyes out in a public restaurant directly afterward.

I have mixed emotions about the holidays overall; I'm a very jaded and weathered person now. But the yuletide has sucked me in hardcore this year despite all that. It doesn't help that I'm eagerly planning V's birthday party for the weekend after either. It feels like it's too much awesomeness at times. Like it's too good to be true. I'll actually get to start new family traditions this year. After years and years of waiting, trying, struggling, I actually have a child... it's still surreal.

I still have a lot of sadness. Infertility has made me hard, bitter, and I carry a lot of grief with me- but it doesn't weigh me down anymore. It's not slowly pulling me under and suffocating me.

Parenting after infertility is amazing, and at times it's difficult. I'm supposed to be fixed now, if you didn't get the memo from all my friends and family. I'm not supposed to ever try again, my son is all I'll ever need, and all the years, the lack of support, all the children I lost, shouldn't matter.

Except everything still matters. It all still hurts.

I feel torn in so many directions sometimes. I am so flippantly excited, it doesn't make the pain go away... but damn it, for the first time in years I'm allowing myself to be happy. I'm allowing myself to look forward to tomorrow. I'm allowing myself to picture what it will be like and all the things we're going to do. It feels wonderful. Like I've finally came up for air.

That's not to say I don't still worry about things, or stress. It doesn't mean I don't take a moment to shed a tear over a loss, to take a long look at all the flora we've planted for our lost ones, or to light a candle in remembrance. Sometimes I feel that hallow ache in my chest over what we went through. But, I'm letting myself enjoy today and all it's glory. I cuddled my son to sleep while watching Doctor Who. I sat on the floor with him as he crawled to me. I watched him smile at me as he took my hand. Life continues, with both the bitter and the sweet.

September 17 Weigh In-

Current weight is 193lbs. Total weight lost this month: 4.2lbs. I also lost an inch off both my hips and my waist.

I really could have done better. I ate horrible this month, many days I went over my calories. Heck, I even gained back a pound one week so I had to go ahead and re-lose that! I know I only have myself to blame, but I also know that some progress is better than no progress. There's no use beating myself over it, all I can do is reclaim my motivation and get back on the proverbial horse.

I had a few setbacks related to sweets. The festival came to town and I got my once a year funnel cakes- if it helps, the walk to the festival and back to my house is around 2 miles. So I worked for that funnel cake. I almost burned as many calories getting there and back as were in the actual funnel cake. Which really isn't bad. But then my husband's birthday came up, and now I'm eating cake for breakfast until that's all gone. I refuse to waste good food. Especially something I worked hours and hours on. Besides, I only have cake less than a handful of times a year. You have to live a little, right?

Without all so many distractions, I'm confident that next month will go so much better.

I can't really tell a difference between last month's photo and this months, probably since I didn't lose much, but that's okay. Hopefully next month will show a bigger difference!

Since March 17, 2012: 

Weight lost: 34

Inches off hips: 8

Inches off waist: 7.5

This month puts my total weight lost at around 57lbs, and inches off my waist at around 12-13. Which is really amazing, but I have so much further to go yet!

Another day, another brand-

I ovulated again this last cycle; on cycle day 21. As such I just started a new cycle, and a new brand of birth control pills. I'm really hoping that this brand works better, without 2-3 week bleeds. This brand has a bit higher estrogen, so we'll see.

I'm wasn't counting on ovulating, since my body doesn't really like to do that. It's been almost three months since I stopped the pill, and I could definitely tell that my body was getting more dysfunctional. The first cycle I ovulated earlier (cycle day 16), I had all the signs leading up to it (cervical mucous and ovulation pains), my basal body temperature was nice and high, and stayed sustained quite well. This time, not so much. It took awhile, I didn't have any signs, and while my temperature went up it was shady and didn't stay as raised as it usually would.

I've also felt like crap. I'm sure it's not all the hormones fault though, as my diet has taken a hit and I've been dealing with dizziness among other issues. Regardless, I am very glad to be back on the pill... one less thing to worry about. I fully intend to stay on it until we're ready to try again this time. Whenever that is.

Feeling crafty-

It's my husband's birthday today. He's 8 months younger than me, so I get to gloat my age over him as the year goes by. You know, because I'm older and I know better than him. Heh. We joke about it a lot. So, he finally caught up today!

I spent most of yesterday making his cake. It turned out pretty well, considering that I have no clue what I'm doing when it comes to baking, or cake decorating. It's really not my strong suit. Most of the time I try to make him a cake, it really doesn't work out well. Almost everything I've learned has came from TV cooking shows and the internet. Thank you Google!

Here's his cake this year:

It's from Min.ecraf.t. He plays that game a lot, so I figured I would show him a little love with a themed cake.

It's all edible. Even the Cre.eper on top. I discovered modeling chocolate... and it's amazing! I see more of that in my future. It's incredibly easy to make, and so much fun.

V is wearing his Cre.eper onsie, in keeping with the theme. He's adorable, of course. Not that I'm biased or anything.

I'm sure the cake isn't going to help me meet my weight loss goal this month. I feel like it's kind of shot anyway. I mean, I have lost weight, but it's not as much as I could have lost. It'll be okay though.

It's been so nice to wake up this morning, to say Happy Birthday to my husband, and to have V crawling around while we got ready. I know, it sounds pretty tame, but for anyone that's went through infertility/loss knows... this morning was anything but tame. It filled my heart with joy.

An Open Book-

I've always been very open about everything I'd been through. From telling close family and friends, blogging about it, sharing on an internet forum, and even talking to strangers when the time is right. Sometimes this has brought further understanding, sometimes I meet someone new who knows what I've went through, often enough I just get comments that relay a lack of understanding. Most of the time, the other person hears me but they never truly listen to what I'm saying. It's hard to keep advocating when every word you say seems to go in one ear and out the other.

This past weekend, I did take a moment and remember that for all the asinine comments I get in return, it's still worth it for those few I reach. I got my hair cut on Saturday and I spent the time talking to my stylist about PCOS and the options out there. She herself had been dealing with it; she actually brought it up. It seemed like she needed someone to talk to, so we passed the time sharing stories about doctors not taking you seriously, and even about our miscarriages. I don't think she's really ever talked to anyone whose been through the infertility ringer. I'm glad I had the chance to let her know she wasn't alone after all.

After that, I woke up the next morning to a message in my inbox from an old co-worker. She had recently been diagnosed with anovulation and needed someone to talk to, she asked for advice. Once again, I was more than happy to share what I know. I haven't heard back from her, but I hope I was able to help.

These are certainly not the first, or I'm sure the last, times that someone has reached out to me. My sister asked for recurrent miscarriage advice for a friend of hers who wasn't getting the help she needed. An old friend from college talked to me about her infertility and how scared she was. I've always shared on the internet, hitting forums and posting on this blog. I like to think in some small way I've given back.

In the beginning I was so lost, and if it wasn't for so many wonderful and patient veterans, I honestly don't know if my son would be here. I don't know if I'd ever have asked the right questions, if I'd ever sought another doctor, I know I wouldn't have heard about my current clinic if I wasn't hitting the forums for references... I'd never even heard of them back then, they were so new!

Neither of those women might have talked to me, or anyone, if I wasn't so open with everything I've went through. If I wasn't posting on FB about the latest articles, sharing my story, openly talking about how my son is my dream come true, maybe people wouldn't reach out to me.

 Infertility is hard to deal with by itself, but so much worse when you feel alone. I'm glad I could help, in my own small way.