tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21450840827385885322024-03-19T04:20:23.542-04:00An Unwanted Pathto a much desired destinationAnotherDreamerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11487881766884178761noreply@blogger.comBlogger739125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2145084082738588532.post-83134078331508080632017-07-26T23:55:00.000-04:002017-07-26T23:55:43.409-04:00Still AliveHi.<br />
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Sorry that I've dropped off the face of the planet here. Life has been so overwhelming and I can barely find the time to sit on the computer. Even now, I only have a few minutes... but while I'm here, I wanted to let everyone know I'm still alive.<br />
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In December we welcomed our newest and last baby, Mi.nerv.a Ro.sal.ind. She is beautiful and amazing, I still can't figure out how she's here. I know the logistics, I was there, but the idea of a baby just being created, growing, and birthing from me with so little fanfare is... surreal. She is our happy baby, always excited and smiling. The kids love her. She is our sunshine.<br />
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Life has been plowing ahead. V will begin Kindergarten in about a month. We've spent most of the year getting him the help he needs. He's been in occupational therapy for his hyper-mobility and behavioral issues, he's been in group therapy, he receives in home help from a behavioral specialist, plus we get help from early intervention. We're working on making a plan with the school. We have made some progress, but we have more to make. He's a great kid, he just gets overwhelmed. We're working on things. None of his issues are severe, but when you combine them it's explosive. His hyper-mobility sets off his mood disruptive disorder, his ADHD sets off his mood disruptive disorder, his sensory needs set everything off, he has a low frustration tolerance and everything is just harder for him on an emotional level and sometimes physical. I never realized how much of a hindrance his hypermobility really is, that it would cause him difficulty and pain doing everyday tasks like buttoning his pants, or holding a pencil.... we're working on building his muscle tone, it's getting better.</div>
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The twins are threenagers now... and they are living up to that.</div>
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On that note, I need to sign off. Never a dull moment here.</div>
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I wouldn't have it any other way though.</div>
AnotherDreamerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11487881766884178761noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2145084082738588532.post-71853359318550471602016-07-31T01:48:00.002-04:002016-07-31T01:48:34.777-04:00So muchLife has been busy, there is so much to do everyday and so much to manage.<br />
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The kids are full of energy, me not so much. Now that the first trimester nausea has passed, I am collapsing into exhaustion. I feel the baby <i>girl</i> a little bit now, we are at 21 weeks. Yes, it looks like we're having another girl. <i>V</i> was very upset about this at first, but he's warmed up to it... he's went from asking us to take her back, to telling me that it's <i>okay</i> and maybe the <i>next</i> baby will be a boy (oh no kid, this is the last).<br />
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<i>V</i> has been diagnosed with some sensory issues and oppositional defiance disorder, with precursors for ADHD, so we are in the works for counseling and occupational therapy. The girls are full of "no" and have started full on brawling (complete with head locks and biting). <i>V</i> meanwhile picks on <i>G, </i>favoring<i> J, </i> and melts down at the littlest reprimand or disagreement from me. Going to the store is... sigh. Some days are hard.<br />
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Sometimes they play nicely, really. They have pretend picnics, give cuddles, or play castle together. They help each other out, or bring each other toys/snacks, or share without being asked.<br />
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<i>Sometimes</i>. <br />
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One of our cats was diagnosed with diabetes this weekend so we are processing that. He is 10 years old, so it's not completely unexpected but it blows. I gave him his first dose of insulin tonight and he had a possible low blood sugar episode which scared me... part of our learning curve unfortunately. He's okay now.<br />
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There is never a dull moment here.<br />
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While I feel pregnant, I also don't feel pregnant at all. Most of the time I don't think about it, but it is starting to get more real with the sudden hunger and subtle kicks,<br />
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Bottom line: We're managing. I'm tired. Kids crazy. Need sleep.<br />
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We're okay. As nuts as it is, I do love our life.<br />
I just really want naps to be a thing still.AnotherDreamerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11487881766884178761noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2145084082738588532.post-1947639489743442932016-04-29T20:18:00.000-04:002016-04-29T20:18:31.837-04:00In which I became an urban legendAfter the twins something clicked in my body. I began cycling on my own, almost predictably even, but of course there were off months and because of that... things happened. I was late, then I was later, and later, then... umm, I was pregnant.<br />
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Yeah. That happened.<br />
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It still doesn't feel real.<br />
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I waited to see if I would miscarry, diligently taking my medicine through the disbelief... but things have seemingly went smoothly. My bruising has been spectacular though.<br />
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I'm 8 weeks now. We had an ultrasound earlier this week... I saw the heartbeat, everything seems to be growing on track.<br />
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I'm still processing it all. I really can't even begin to wrap my head around this.<br />
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<br />AnotherDreamerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11487881766884178761noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2145084082738588532.post-67750077980567818972016-02-29T15:41:00.002-05:002016-02-29T15:41:47.317-05:00So many things.The company A was working for was sold, and the majority of the workers were laid off. Including him. We did get a generous severance pay out of it, and within a few weeks A already had something lined up. My heart still hurts for him though because that was the first job he really loved. He enjoyed the work, the environment, his coworkers... and poof. Gone. He isn't enjoying his new job so far, it's below his skill level and just not a good fit.<br />
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My health has been less than stellar, though I'll admit it could be worse. My left hand is... it's just fucked up. There's no way to put it. After two rounds of steroid shots I still have trigger finger in my thumb, so pending a second opinion surgery will be on the agenda at some point here. I had another shot for the de quervain and it was... useless. I am wondering if something else isn't going on in that area, but I haven't a clue. It feels tight, painful to move, as if it's locked up inside. The hand surgeon I saw was pretty non-plussed. It hurts like hell at night. I have been taking ibuprofen around the clock for weeks (months?), I have to splint my thumb and wrap to stabilize my wrist every night. I get pain and weakness in that hand, about halfway through the day it's usually mostly fine, but first thing in the morning and at night... it's a bitch. My left foot has started sticking a little too, when I pop my toes sometimes they lock a little. It's not painful, just disconcerting. My right heel spur is causing pain at night mostly, but during the day too, like a tight little ball with a tack in it. I don't even want to speculate on that mess.<br />
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Sometimes I feel so much older than I am.<br />
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I am trying to watch my diet more, I've had a lot more health issues that are directly related to weight and possibly my PCOS (specifically the Insulin Resistance and constant per-diabetes state I'm in). I keep failing because frankly I eat to pamper myself. Oh man, the kids were awful... here's some candy. Oh, I am so sleep deprived... here's a freaking carb loaded iced mocha. My depression is better in some ways but not others. Sometimes food is my solace, it makes me feel better. I've been reading more, watching shows, but sometimes... I just don't want to. Especially when I'm stretched to my introverted limit adulting (like making phone call after phone call, setting things up). I just want to sleep. And eat. And fall into a hot bath and sometimes I don't want to come out, ever.<br />
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I weaned the girls around my birthday last month. I let them lead the way, following their cues. We made it to 19 months. I am glad to have my body back, but I do miss the closeness sometimes. They still ask to nurse when they're hungry, but it's more a question than a request. I tell them mommy's milk is all gone and they'll hold their hands up and repeat me then go about their business.<br />
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The kids are sick. AGAIN. They were better for about 5-7 days. They all have fevers, coughs, the hacking scares me and keeps me on edge. I know that it's not a cause for concern unless it gets worse, but it still panics me. I keep notes charting meds, the doses, temps, the day.<br />
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My brain is foggy. I'll have a thought and will feel it flutter away while I'm trying to catch it, uselessly. Sometimes they come back to me. Sometimes they don't. I take a lot of notes now, it's the only way I can get anything done.<br />
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There is not enough of me.<br />
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AnotherDreamerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11487881766884178761noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2145084082738588532.post-73610869196493755542015-12-02T13:59:00.002-05:002015-12-02T13:59:35.360-05:00Life in TransitionA lot of things have happened since I last posted. <i>A</i> got a new job, we moved to another state, and the kids have grown so much. We had to switch everything, it was such a long process.<br />
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I am exhausted all the time, it's just a state of being. I've been struggling with my depression, as a result my medication has been increased twice now. It's better than it was though, I am managing alright most days. Miraculously, now that I don't need it, my body has begun cycling on it's own. At least I don't needs medicine to induce I suppose. It would have been nice if I could have gotten it to do this 8 years ago though.<br />
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The twins are walking and talking, interacting, collaborating, and keeping me on my toes. We are still nursing, usually twice a day. They also eat solid foods like beasts.<i> V</i> is turning 4 this month, and I still can't process that. We're still having a lot of issues with him; we have good days and bad days. I'm hoping that we can get him into a preschool at some point here, I think it will do him good.<br />
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All that to say, we're alive and we're okay. Life is in transition, and it's a process.<br />
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Here's to hoping everyone has a peaceful holiday. Best wishes.AnotherDreamerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11487881766884178761noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2145084082738588532.post-12790634156211911592015-06-30T00:40:00.002-04:002015-06-30T00:40:36.927-04:00A Year Old, Times Two<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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We already had their party, but their birthday is today. It amazes me how much children grow and change in a year. My little babies are, well, not babies anymore. They walk, they can say words, they can climb almost anything, they are vocal and will tell you what's what.<br />
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They amaze me constantly.<br />
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We are still nursing, which means I've met my goal. We'll likely keep nursing for awhile yet. I never thought it would work out this long- I had hoped, but certainly not counted, on it working out. It's been a huge relief for us all. They eat a lot of solids now in addition to nursing, and get more confident even with just their two teeth a piece.<br />
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They play a lot more with <i>V</i> now too. Which is great but also harrowing. He doesn't understand boundaries, and neither do they. What is too rough for them, versus him, is at a different level. It results in a lot of, "GET OFF YOUR SISTER," "DON'T TACKLE," "DON'T PUSH HER DOWN," "IT'S NOT FUNNY, SHE'S CRYING." It's trying. He means well (<i>most of the time</i>), so it's just something we have to work through. Much like them all tackling the cats.<br />
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And so we close and say goodbye to our <i>baby years</i>. While we haven't 100% ruled out the possibility of a 4th someday, I can tell you that I feel complete with how things are. Unlike with V, where I felt the incompleteness, I now feel resolved. When I pack their things away to sell, I feel sadness but very little (if any) doubt. I'm mostly relieved, to tell you the truth.<br />
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I don't know how much more I will post here. It's harder and harder to get on here, and I feel I have less and less to say. More often than not, I'm so drained I can't write more than a quick status update. I still give support and advice where I can, but I don't know how much more I can say here other than... though the path wasn't the one that I would have chosen, I've had many wonderful companions along the way, and for that I am truly grateful. Thank you.AnotherDreamerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11487881766884178761noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2145084082738588532.post-32272001809445705752015-06-22T14:56:00.002-04:002015-06-22T14:56:36.416-04:00Foward momentumThe girls will be one next week. This Christmastime Vincent will be 4, he'll have been out of my womb for as long as it took us to conceive him. Time has a way of passing by before you know it. Those dark nights, filled with tears and hollowness, gave way to exhaustion and fulfillment. I am one of the lucky ones, and I will never lose sight of that.<br />
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For years our life was stagnant, we remained stuck due to our infertility and my recurrent losses. Our choices were forced. We had to take less risks. We had to stay near my doctors, hospitals, that understood my issues. We had to cut corners, cut costs, to save and save for treatments. Stay in positions that we would rather not.<br />
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A's job chose to terminate his department, doing away with his software, and we were once again forced to make a decision. It was time, something we were pursuing anyway, but this pushed the decision for us. And he found another position, a better position. I am so thankful. We spent months panicking, but we were lucky and this new position came through. We will likely be relocating to another state for this job. Another big change. And I find that it's time. I'm ready to move on. The things that held us here, no longer do. There is so much happiness, and so much sorrow, tied into where we are. We never planned to stay here this long. I don't know where life will take us after this, but I'm ready. <br />
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The girls' party is next weekend, I'm looking forward to celebrating their first year. And my surviving it, because it has not been easy. I still struggle, but little by little I think things are getting better. My fog of depression is lifting, and I can breathe a little easier. One day at a time.AnotherDreamerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11487881766884178761noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2145084082738588532.post-12222839303420526292015-05-27T13:11:00.001-04:002015-05-27T13:11:09.285-04:00Closing in on 11 months<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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We are cruising along (haha). The girls are growing fast. <i>J </i>is getting really good at walking, while <i>G</i> can take a few steps here and there. They can say a few words, although<i> J</i> is really taking off there too. They eat a lot of solids now, and still nurse a lot during the day too. They both dance and climb everything. They are trouble. They also throw little tantrums when they don't get their way now, so that's fun!<br />
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I am doing a little better? The shot for my dequervain worked wonderfully. My anti-depressants seem to be helping some. <i>A</i> will be losing his job in the coming months though, the company decided to terminate his department after all. He has several interviews this week and we are hoping something works out soon. His job has been our sole source of income, so this has been really stressful for us all. I believe that things are going to work out though. I really do.<br />
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One day at a time.<br />
<br />AnotherDreamerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11487881766884178761noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2145084082738588532.post-18514500174886187782015-05-03T18:38:00.000-04:002015-05-03T18:38:10.006-04:0010 months out<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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We've survived 10 months now. It's hard to believe that they'll be a year in just two months.<br />
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<i>G</i> got the first tooth amongst them, we are standing strong as one between them. They are both crawling and cruising all over the place. <i>J</i> is a mountain climber and scales anything and everything. They are still nursing a lot, and eating a lot more solids. They continue to be two completely different children, <i>J</i> dancing and <i>G</i> drumming. <i>J</i> follows <i>V</i>, and <i>G</i> follows <i>J</i>. The girls wrestle a lot now, and it's scary yet adorable.<br />
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Things for me have been... rough. I have bad mommy thumb (<a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/De_Quervain_syndrome" target="_blank">De Quervain Syndrome</a>). It's gotten increasingly painful, despite using a splint and Ibuprofen around the clock. I am scheduled to get steroid injections in my wrist, but the soonest I could get in was weeks from now. For now... dealing with it as best I can.<br />
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I also had to go back on anti-depressants. Things haven't gotten better and while normally I can weather my "funks" alright... I've been struggling a lot. It will take time for the medicine to kick in, but hopefully after it does I'll see some improvement.AnotherDreamerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11487881766884178761noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2145084082738588532.post-26020933615536694272015-04-16T19:45:00.001-04:002015-04-16T19:45:08.170-04:00April Fools lateAbout two weeks ago I noticed some signs that made me pause, and wonder, if I <i>might</i> have been ovulating. A few days ago I had some pains, originating from my right ovary, that made me wonder if I <i>had</i>... or if I just had another cyst, a la PCOS. The morning we were leaving for vacation, I woke up seeing red.<br />
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What. the. hell?<br />
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In the past 12+ years my body has done a lot of nothing. I can count, on one hand, the times I have knowingly ovulated on my own. But hey, now that I'm not trying, still nursing twins, a complete hormonal mess, back to my old (heavier) weight, and the very idea of another baby scares the beejesus out of me... yeah, sure, LET'S OVULATE. And time the cycle to start exactly the day you're leaving for <i>vacation</i>.<br />
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Thanks Body, you're so funny <br />
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I am left completely confused.AnotherDreamerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11487881766884178761noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2145084082738588532.post-37903890981574138852015-03-29T16:33:00.001-04:002015-03-29T16:33:44.544-04:009 months<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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The girls will be 9 months tomorrow, and we're still surviving. We have good days, we have bad days. All the kids, except <i>G</i>, hate sleeping now. <i>V</i> frequently wakes a few hours early and tries to get in bed with us. <i>J</i> has been waking up at 3-5a to nurse again, after refusing to go to sleep for the past couple weeks.<i> V</i> has been playing with them more. They're all mobile, and frequently get into shenanigans together. <i>J </i>is pulling up to stand on things. I'm still nursing, and the girls are eating more solids.</div>
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<i>A</i>'s job is still rocky, and his job search has not been going well. Everything kept going back to him not finishing his degree. So... he has enrolled back in college. God help us. He's going to be working full time, going to school, and I am going to be even more on my own. If I had the money for a helper, I would hire one, but we don't. I really want V to be ready for pre-school this year, but it doesn't look like he'll be ready. So, we'll have to see how things go. <i>A</i> hasn't scheduled classes yet or anything, so we'll know more after he gets through that process... right now he's just been accepted. I won't lie, I'm scared of what this will mean for our home life. As scared as I am, I know we have no option- he needs a different job, and the only way he is going to do that is to finish his degree.</div>
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Ending on a more positive note... these exhausting yet adorable kids:</div>
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AnotherDreamerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11487881766884178761noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2145084082738588532.post-41742433685024672462015-03-03T16:36:00.001-05:002015-03-03T18:36:05.258-05:008 months out<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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The little misses are eight months. Life is still very full, with moments of intense crazy.<br />
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<i>J </i>is a mover. She wants to be mobile; she even started crawling full on the other day! She still prefers squealing, screaming, and whining, to attempts at vocalization. Lots of squealing.<br />
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<i>G</i> is a talker. She makes all sorts of noises, babbles, and mimics us. Her latest thing is to blow kisses, she is also trying to clap. She does a sort of lunge, plummet, crawl thing, the same Vincent did before he crawled.<br />
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They both are eating some solids (purees and puffs) now, but mostly nursing. Neither have teeth yet. Vincent got his first at 8 months, and according to my baby book I didn't get one until 9 months. The girls can take after me, I am FINE with that. <i>J</i> likes to bite.<br />
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Speaking of teething,<i> V</i> is cutting one of his last "two year" molars. Poor kid.<br />
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He is....<i> sigh</i>. We have things to work on. He is awesome, but we have a lot of issues with disobedience and jealousy still. We are addressing it, but it's going to take time. He knows he's been able to get away with certain things because of the babies and my limitations, but we're working harder at consistency now.<br />
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I am still struggling a lot, in general. Even eight months out I am still in survival mode, and I'm starting to wonder if it will ever get "easier." Or manageable. I wish I had more help and support.AnotherDreamerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11487881766884178761noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2145084082738588532.post-77278338752415464522015-02-20T11:59:00.001-05:002015-02-20T12:01:34.224-05:00Medical ShenagiansMy ridiculous skin rashes are still a mystery. My doctor said that my skin looks <i>really</i> irritated (it's actually not bad right now), she thinks it's contact dermatitis (ezcema), but that she really can't say <i>why </i>I have it. She did say it usually gets better and goes away. Except mine had progressively gotten worse since 2009, with just past Christmas this year being the worst when it went all the way up my arms. She reviewed my allergy panel, asked about detergents and cleaning things, said it may just be hormonal, and ran a little blood work. I had to get my TSH rechecked so I can get a refill on my thyroid medicine, but she also ran a B12 and- here's a laugh- FSH, LH, and estradiol. <i>Oh, my old friends, we need to stop running into each other.</i> She said she doesn't think it's autoimmune, but I keep wondering given my losses and other issues.<br />
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She urged me to hydrate more, and to keep doing everything I'm doing. I use Hydrocortisone cream when it's bad, lather up with coconut oil, take Benadryl as needed... sometimes that helps. If I'm lucky. I use lotion every day. Petroleum jelly, Aquafor, or A&D ointment before bed as needed. I changed my dish and hand soaps, I use hypoallergic stuff mostly, I stopped using commercial cleaners, use gloves for dish washing, I haven't changed my detergent but I have a known allergy to Tide and never had a reaction to <i>this one</i> that I've <i>known</i>... still, I may change that soon to see if it helps.<br />
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It gets worse when cleaning, even just dusting, but my allergy panel came back negative for dust or pets. I joke and say, "I'm allergic to cleaning!" but seriously... I have no idea what this is. Maybe it's this old house.<br />
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My other recent issue was my brilliant idea to get an IUD. It seemed like a good choice, it had progesterone so I wouldn't have to worry about inducing a bleed every few months (because of the endometrial cancer risk, due to PCOS and anovulation), plus I wouldn't have to worry about an unplanned pregnancy which given my health (with recurrent loss issues), finances, and general sanity would be bad. It would have lasted 5 years and by then we could take permanent measures, or went for #4 (<i>A</i> has mentioned it, not joking. Crazy pants).<br />
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Well, that's when the trouble began. I got it put in and bled until the day I got it out... almost 4 months. It wasn't just that, I could still feel it. I was constantly aware of it's presence. They checked on ultrasound and it was fine, it was positioned correctly, but it was slowly driving me bat shit crazy. It hurt, I was cramping off/on, and bleeding. My OB urged me to give it 6 months for my body to adjust, but I was losing my mind. I was getting agitated, snapping more, yelling more, I wanted to scream. I wanted to rip the thing out. I had no patience with the children. My depression got INFINITELY worse. It was bad. I finally made the call to have it removed.<br />
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One of the strings had gotten up in my uterus and wrapped around the IUD, but it came out easily. I felt so much better right away. I wasn't nearly as agitated, the change in my mood was amazing. While still depressed, it has lightened and I feel more productive. I'm feeling a lot better, not quite as overwhelmed (although still very busy with the children and exhausted). I don't know what it was about the IUD that affected me like that: physically something about it, or me, or just a giant head game, but I'm glad that's over. I will never do that again.<br />
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So that's what's been on my medical plate. My hair has changed, my body is changing, and I need to adjust to this new normal. I'm still nursing the twins. And mostly just trying to deal with these damned rashes.AnotherDreamerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11487881766884178761noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2145084082738588532.post-2960475349674149382015-02-12T17:11:00.002-05:002015-02-12T17:11:24.261-05:007 Months<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>J</i></td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>G</i></td></tr>
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Sometimes I forget how much I love photography. Eventually I would like to devote more time to studying my camera and practicing.<br />
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The girls turned 7 months on my birthday. I turned 30. I'm still cool with that.<br />
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<i>A</i>'s grandma passed away a couple days later, unexpectedly. We had just saw her a few weeks ago. She had missed <i>V</i>'s birthday party and told us she had a card and had misplaced it. They found it the day after she passed... which was bittersweet, but I am glad we have that card to set back for <i>V</i>.<br />
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I'm still working on some of my issues; I see my doctor next week. I'll post more about that later.AnotherDreamerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11487881766884178761noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2145084082738588532.post-47009050930693275912015-01-25T16:31:00.001-05:002015-01-25T16:31:27.457-05:00Update-They had the meeting and <i>A</i>'s job is safe "for now." They decided to keep his department, but for how long... we are really sick of the job uncertainty of late, I can tell you that. <i>A</i> will continue looking for another job, but for now things should be okay. I am still going to tread water like they're not. I just don't trust the company he works for.<br />
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I still need to get into the doctor and get myself taken care of at some point here.<br />
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The kids are a hand full. ADORABLE ENERGETIC HANDS FULL. I love them. I'm tired. The girls are both scooting backwards, going in circles, and starting to prop up onto hands/knees. They steal thing from each other a lot more.<i> J</i> is devouring solids, <i>G</i> still thinks that anything other than the b.oob is blasphemy. <i>V</i> likes to tell me, "NO," and "Go away!" He is 3 going on 13. His vocabulary is exploding, we have some interesting conversations (mostly about dinosaurs and alligators).<br />
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My birthday is Friday. Still not really feeling it. We are planning on going out to lunch, then later dinner at a specific kids' play place restaurant. I went there as a kid, and for many years now I have joked about going there for my 30th birthday... I have been told that I have to go now. I'm sure <i>V</i> will love it, hopefully I will too. <br />
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Some day soon I will have a real post. I hope. I started a lot of posts and abandoned them in the past couple months. I would love to start blogging about other things, it's just hard right now.AnotherDreamerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11487881766884178761noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2145084082738588532.post-37957490853797301672015-01-12T15:35:00.000-05:002015-01-12T15:35:38.576-05:00Breathe in, breathe out.We're still here, though I'm still very much in survival mode. My depression returned, and we've just hit a rough patch, and well, life can just be messy sometimes. The kids are all (currently) well. <i>J</i> does seem to be of a sensitive disposition, as she had a fever for almost 6 days over something (apparently) viral with no other symptoms. It started on <i>V</i>'s birthday, and lasted through New Years, with a trip to her doctor. She also frequently boycotts sleep and has days/nights reversed, so that's rough. <i>G</i> is the easiest baby I've had, she falls asleep on schedule every night and sleeps until dawn. I keep joking that if all my babies were like<i> G</i>, I would have wanted 10. <i>V</i> is doing well, still high spirited, and recently turned 3 (!).<br />
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<i>V</i>'s birthday was complicated by a sick baby, but his party went fine. The night before <i>J</i> kept us up all night, I had maybe 4 hours of sleep. A family member caused a lot of drama the morning of the party, which ended with us terminating the relationship after all was said and done. The party itself was great, V had so much fun seeing everyone. Later that night I was so tired I washed a pacifier and tried to give it to <i>V</i>, when I meant to give it to <i>J</i>. Then later I poured maple syrup in his milk, when I meant to pour chocolate.<br />
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I am <b>beyond </b>exhausted.<br />
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<i>A</i> found out a bit of bad news on Christmas Eve: he may lose his job in the coming months. They are talking about terminating his entire department and going a different route. He's been there for 8.5 years, and his job is our sole source of income. I have considered looking for a job, but it would be counter productive at this time- if I had a job we would need daycare for 3 children, and my milk supply would take a hit (I'm sure), which would mean buying formula for two babies. For now, A is looking and applying for jobs, while considering returning to school. He has already had a few interviews, but it's not going well because he never finished his degree. We are saving money and doing what we can. If worse comes to worse, we will evaluate our options with me working, even if that means other shifts.<br />
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We are trying to be proactive without borrowing worry right now. He may not lose it, he may keep his job until April, he might be fired tomorrow, we have no idea. I just wanted to make it through Christmas and <i>V</i>'s birthday, and make them a good one- we'd already bought everything, so it was all taken care of at least. At least that hurdle is over.<br />
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My birthday is at the end of the month; I'll be turning 30. It feels like I should probably do something important for that, or care more, but all I can muster is a half-hearted, "Meh." Maybe I'll reflect more on that later.<br />
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My depression hit hard a few weeks before Christmas. I am considering going back on medication. I also have some other issues going on that are probably contributing to it, and I wonder if I can clear them up, how much that would help.<br />
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I have a persistent rash on my hands, I've been dealing with it since 2009 (has gotten worse every year since) but my PCP initially said it was dry skin so I never went back. It is not dry skin, or at least it's not <i>just</i> dry skin. It gets worse, and only seems to get better with Benadryl and Hydrocortizone cream. No amount of lotion, Coconut Oil, or Aquafor was helping. It goes from the back of my hands to the underside of my arm, to my elbows. It burns. It comes and goes. I'm thinking it's eczema, immune issues, or sensitivity to chemicals, and/or food allergies. The rash is always worse before bed. The dry skin makes it break open all over my hands/knuckles, so it feels like hundreds of little paper cuts sometimes. I have a problem of not going back and speaking up when I get blown off by a doctor. I know I have to advocate for myself, but it's hard sometimes.<br />
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The other issue is really that of my own doing. I decided to get an Mi.rena put in. I know the odds of me conceiving are low, but I wasn't willing to take chances (knowing my plate is already too full) so I got one. It would also have negated needing to take progesterone every few months for the withdraw bleed, due to my typical anovulation. Unfortunately, I have been spotting and bleeding since mid-October now, cramping off/on. It is really getting to me. I want it take out, but I also don't want to make the drive, pay the money, or go through the pain of having it removed. My OB wants me to give it six months for my body to adjust, but I honestly don't want to deal with this for three more months.<br />
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There are other stresses, but I've already bored you with enough. I am just in a funk and things have been harder for me than I'd like to admit. I'm hoping that as this year goes on, we can get things back on track. There are a lot of things I'd like to get started for the new year... a daily schedule for my own benefit, and <i>V</i>'s, or making more things at home to save money, maybe writing again or finding more 'me' time. I don't know. I just know that I need to turn things around.AnotherDreamerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11487881766884178761noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2145084082738588532.post-6761914926151858692014-11-30T22:19:00.001-05:002014-11-30T22:21:00.205-05:005 monthsWe are still here... it's still crazy... but we're still making it through each day, so I can't really complain. The girls are 5 months old today. We are still nursing. <i>J</i> is still my fussy one, and had even further regressed with sleep. I don't know if it's because she's teething (I see two teeth buds on the bottom), or something else is going on, but whew. WHEW. I just can not recover here.<br />
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I did Holiday photos the other day... I thought some turned out nice, I'll share a couple here. Most of them were photobombed by the cats, but eh. Good enough, hahaha. The cats are family too, so it works... right? <br />
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<br />AnotherDreamerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11487881766884178761noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2145084082738588532.post-22315015149491949162014-11-14T23:02:00.001-05:002014-11-14T23:02:31.602-05:00Kids, life, and all thatThanks for all the kind words on my last post. Things are still very hard, but every day we get through is... well, another day we get through!<br />
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The girls turned 4 months a couple weeks ago now. They've grown so much. <i>J</i> is rolling a lot, and <i>G</i> is a grabber. <i>G</i> is almost an inch and 2lbs more than J now, she loves to eat and sleep. <i>J</i> is our wild child, she is wiry and fierce. By the end of this month I'm going to have to move<i> G</i> into 6-9 month clothes, <i>J</i> has been about a month behind wardrobe switches so she'll probably make it until mid-December before she needs to. They babble a lot, and notice each other more each day. They love <i>V</i>, he amuses them to no end.<br />
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They had their first Halloween, it was cold and wet so we stayed in and passed out candy. <i>V</i> enjoyed going door to door with daddy though. <i>J</i> was Supergirl, <i>G</i> was Batgirl, and <i>V</i> was Spiderman- my superhero troupe.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>J</i> and<i> G</i></td></tr>
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We've went to the zoo a lot in the past couple months;<i> V</i> asks to go every single day but it's a bit of a drive and always quite the ordeal! We've been going about once every week or two though. It's <i>really</i> nice to get out of the house, and there's no comparison for how happy it makes that kid. Now that it's cooler we won't be going for awhile. He plays pretend at home though, he sets up his own little zoo and pretend dinosaur boat ride, and he has to show me. We have to go through his little zoo. He has quite the imagination.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>V & the T-rex</i></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i><br /></i></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i><br /></i></td></tr>
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<i>V</i> does throw a lot of tantrums, makes a lot of messes, and can be a handful. He doesn't focus very well still, has poor listening skills, and he is very independent. By that I mean he wants to just run off and explore, and isn't afraid of anything (except large stuffed costume characters). He is an unstoppable force. He can be very focused, when he<i> chooses</i> to be. He tests boundaries like it's his business, and business is good right now. He's doing so much better than when the girls first came home, but it's still chaos. I feel like we're doing okay most days, but some days I just feel like a failure. Hopefully as we keep working on things it will improve.<br />
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He has been having night terrors about 1-3 times a month, and those are really disconcerting. He hasn't had one for a few weeks (knock on wood) and I hope it stays that way. He usually starts screaming, "Nooooooo!" or, "Mommmy!" and thrashing for a good 10-30 minutes, just screaming and crying in his sleep. After I learned how to deal with them it's gone better, the first few times we tried to wake him because we didn't know what was happening. Now I just turn his nightlight on and talk softly to him, and it's over on the quicker end of the spectrum. There is a family history on both sides, so he was at higher risk for them. They suck so much though. The fewer we have to deal with, the better!AnotherDreamerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11487881766884178761noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2145084082738588532.post-85744835700452172822014-11-05T16:45:00.003-05:002014-11-05T16:45:52.779-05:00Life these days...People keep asking me how I am, my go to response is simply, "Exhausted." We chuckle, and then skip over to whatever they wanted to talk about.<br />
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I try to keep up, but while they're talking I'm usually wrangling a child, nursing, washing dishes, or trying to watch TV during my very limited "me" time. The truth is... things have been hard. I am exhausted from the moment I wake up, until the moment I go down. A toddler and infant twins is hard work. Work I <i>love</i> and would not trade for the world, but I also feel like I'm imploding. My walls are breaking down, I snap more at everyone, I am physically and mentally exhausted, I'm having trouble putting sentences together sometimes, my reserves are just depleted. I'm hoping I can get some "me" time soon, even if it's just a hair cut, because right now all I get is a daily shower and if I'm very lucky an hour while all the kids nap at the same time. I'm having one of those rare moments right now.<br />
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It's not even the cleaning, because let's be honest... I'm lucky if I get the dishes washed every day. And I have to get the dishes washed (no dishwashing machine) otherwise I can't make dinner. It's more... the feeling of constantly being needed, of never getting time to turn off my awareness. Awareness of where the kids are, are they okay, who needs food, who needs changed, who needs their clothes changed, who needs bathed, who needs.... always who needs what. I often forget about my own needs... I would forget to shower if my hair wasn't so greasy (yay hormones) and I wasn't breastfeeding.<br />
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I forget a lot these days. Blood work was fine, my doctor thinks it's just mental exhaustion- if it gets worse, come back in. In the meantime, well, I'm really absentminded. Until I get better... or I don't. I say the opposite word sometimes, forget the word I'm looking for, etc.. It's unnerving.<br />
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I am not complaining. I love my children, and I love our life. I am just swamped, with very little help. I'm trying to remind myself that this phase will pass... probably sooner than I want it too. <i>A</i> goes above and beyond helping me with the kids, but I'm still here alone with all the kids half the day. I'm the only one who can feed the girls since we're breastfeeding. Our families don't really have anything to do with us. A couple of them might visit the kids for an hour or two, but that doesn't help me at all... it just means our daily routine gets disrupted, and I might have to clean.<br />
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It's not all doom and gloom, honest. I get giggles, and coos, in the morning I get the most beautiful smiles. <i>V</i> makes me laugh so much my sides hurt some nights. Watching them grow, and start to interact with each other, is the greatest privilege in the world. These children are worth the struggle I went through to have them, and what I'm going through right now. <br />
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I just need a chance to recharge.AnotherDreamerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11487881766884178761noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2145084082738588532.post-11825967835134221022014-10-01T12:26:00.001-04:002014-10-01T12:26:22.884-04:00Three monthsThe girls turned three months yesterday. I am still exhausted, but doing my best to function. The girls were sleeping through the night, then they stopped, now they seem to be back at it. They've also been cluster feeding before bed the last few nights. They're getting too big for their bassinets and we'll be moving them out of them this week.<br />
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I'm feeling very grateful and excited because I've now been nursing longer than I was able to with <i>V</i>. I have no problem with formula feeding, it was a <i>huge</i> relief when we switched to formula with<i> V</i>, but I am still very thankful that things have went so much better this time around. We haven't had to supplement at all, and my supply has managed to keep up. So, first goal met! My next goal is just every month from here on out, with a plan to nurse until at least a year.<br />
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The girls are growing well, getting ready to go up a size of clothes (although <i>G</i> is getting there sooner than <i>J</i>). They coo and laugh a lot, although <i>G</i> does tend to talk more. <i>J</i> is great at holding herself up, and can even roll over, while <i>G</i> isn't quite there yet. They're really starting to notice their surroundings, each other, and big brother <i>V</i> too. They are very different girls and it's amazing watching their personalities really come out.<br />
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<br />AnotherDreamerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11487881766884178761noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2145084082738588532.post-76707112485265160092014-09-23T15:20:00.000-04:002014-09-23T15:20:06.479-04:00Dealing-It's been exhausting here. Napping when the kids nap isn't an option unfortunately. Even on the days that I get enough sleep, I <i>still</i> struggle to function. I struggle to make coherent thoughts sometimes, so sorry if this is rambley- WORDS ARE HARD.<br />
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My PCOS issues are rearing their ugly heads in the form of skin tags and dark skin patches. I can't take supplements for my PCOS, since I don't know how much of
what may cross my breast milk. Instead I stay on my Metformin, and hope that it can get things in check. I'm also hoping it can help me keep my weight in check. I can't really do a thing about weight loss because I need 1,000 extra calories a day to maintain my breast milk supply for the girls. Exercising is hard because I have such a small window of opportunity to do anything between feedings, and I'd rather use the time to relax or clean. So, I just work at making healthier choices and hope I can maintain.<br />
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I gained 73 lbs while pregnant, I've lost 42 since then leaving me with 31 lbs left to go. I started at a size 16 and now I'm back up to a size 22. My lack of wardrobe sucks... I had kept some of my larger clothing though, so that is at least a saving grace. It's taking me awhile to recover my stamina and strength, but I think I'm slowly getting there. I'll be honest, my body dysmorphia rears it's ugly head from time to time too. I'm really good at shutting myself up though, because really my body is pretty amazing. In the past year I have grown and sustained two other human beings, and I'm continuing to sustain them even now... I need to lay off my body! It did something I didn't even know it was capable of, and I owe it a lot.<br /><br />I'm still exclusively nursing the twins. They are growing and thriving, and my supply seems to be keeping up. <i>J</i> seems to be going through a growth spurt or something, because she's been wanting to cluster feed. I am eating like a hobbit while nursing them, because I am hungry ALL THE TIME. I seriously eat every 2-3 hours; it's like the first/second trimester with them all over again. Except physically I feel much better than I did then, heh.<br />
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I went in and finally got some blood work done with my primary doctor. I was really putting it off. I need to go ahead and get some stuff done for me, I'm just terrible about doing it. It's hard to get away from the girls since I'm nursing though, and I just put things off and put things off...<br /><br />So that's where things are. The girls are napping right now, and V is chilling out... this is a rare moment. I think I should go do something else now... like snack haha.AnotherDreamerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11487881766884178761noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2145084082738588532.post-79513656226272902532014-08-30T14:46:00.000-04:002014-08-30T14:46:12.461-04:00Two months-<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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The girls are two months old today... it's been crazy here! They are sleeping much better though, they actually sleep from 11-midnight until 6-7am most nights! We're still nursing exclusively. My supply dipped a little, but the girls started cluster feeding while I started eating oatmeal every day, plus drinking more water, and well, that seems to be all I needed to do. I have Fenugreek on hand in case I need it. The girls coo a lot, they love mobiles and they are sooo ticklish. <i>J</i> loves her pacifier, while <i>G</i> would rather suck on her fist.<br /><br />V is doing much better with them, although he does still get very jealous at times. I have to say considering how much change he's went through in the last 6 months, he's done very well.<br /><br />As a treat we took <i>V</i> and the girls to the zoo for the first time this year. Oh my goodness, he freaked out over everything... he just loved it. We haven't hardly went at all since I was pregnant because it was too much walking and I had a lot of guilt about that. It was a nice treat though, he loved it so much. It was difficult having to stop and nurse and change everyone's diapers, plus physically I am still weak from the pregnancy... but I loved it. I really did. Seeing his face light up just made my day.<br />
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<br /><br /><br />AnotherDreamerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11487881766884178761noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2145084082738588532.post-84603842077220312222014-08-05T16:46:00.001-04:002014-08-05T16:46:18.550-04:00Belated One Month-<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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The girls turned a month old on the 30th, I just hadn't gotten around to posting. It's been crazy. I did our one month photos, and it was a lot harder to wrangle than it was doing <i>V</i>'s one month photos! <i>J</i> is in the blue and <i>G</i> in the purple. I think a few of the shots turned out pretty good, but I really loved these two.<br />
<br />
Things are okay. The girls don't sleep well at night, so that's been rough. I usually only get 3-4 hours of sleep a night, and I can't nap during the day since someone is <i>always</i> up. We're still exclusively breast feeding, so that's been going great. It can be really uncomfortable at times (my letdown is painful and excessive) but it's working so I won't complain.<br />
<br />
The girls are growing great; <i>G</i> is HUGE compared to <i>J</i> though. Being fraternal twins that hasn't been a huge concern,<i> J</i> is growing it's just not at the same rate as <i>G</i>. Using my home scale I get varying answers because it's so sensitive, but <i>G</i> does seem to be 1-2lbs more than <i>J</i>. They have their one month check-up with their doctor tomorrow, so I'll be interested to see how they actually measure up.<br />
<br />
They really are <i>so different.</i> It's not just the physical appearance, which is obvious, but also their demeanor and attitudes. Even their cries are so different. <i>J</i> is more fussy than <i>G</i>, although <i>G</i> will sound the alarm (and I mean ALARM) when she gets hungry. J used to have issues latching, but now <i>G</i> does... it's like they trade off on things/issues. <i>J</i> has been giving us fits about sleeping at night, but last night it was <i>G</i> that kept us up. Ahhh. Anyway...<br />
<br />
V is adjusting still. He seriously forgets that they're here. He'll come up with his book flailing it around and try to flop it in front of me, but I'll be changing one of the girl's diapers and he'll almost hit them. Things like that. Last night I kept saying, "<i>V. V. V</i>, look your sister is here. Mommy can't read you that right now and you have to be careful. <i>V. V,</i> look your sister is right here." He eventually looked and actually focused on her then smiled and said, "A bay-bee seester!" I am constantly running interference because he just <i>doesn't see them</i>. He has started to interact with them more, he'll pick their pacifiers up, or he'll give them kisses if we ask him to, he tried to tickle their feet yesterday too.<br /><br />His biggest struggle is not understanding why mommy can't do things with him. He wants me to read with him, or do puzzles, or color, but I'll be trying to get the girls to latch on, or I'm changing a diaper, or a girl is crying for something... then he'll get upset and start crying too. That's about how the three-child-cryfests usually start. I get a lot of mommy guilt about that, but I know this is just a passing phase and before I know it the girls will be older and eating better, they'll be playing more... and we'll get through this. I just feel bad.AnotherDreamerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11487881766884178761noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2145084082738588532.post-24326492802745978692014-07-23T19:18:00.000-04:002014-07-23T19:18:30.845-04:003 weeks<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNhZozjHpjyw7A1D7iDS7nMi25QkUKxBoRRrKds8iCTh6TnvxwUlHd1LbSdcgCv3x8KF0Qw1CJ8ArNcCR9zI04GCwDydw8LYRRC9983aLeGac4B0YqvTDOwI7fRrd1IbLfGubHEdy3o7Yc/s1600/IMG_1639.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNhZozjHpjyw7A1D7iDS7nMi25QkUKxBoRRrKds8iCTh6TnvxwUlHd1LbSdcgCv3x8KF0Qw1CJ8ArNcCR9zI04GCwDydw8LYRRC9983aLeGac4B0YqvTDOwI7fRrd1IbLfGubHEdy3o7Yc/s1600/IMG_1639.JPG" height="200" width="149" /></a></div>
Monday:<br />
It's been three weeks now. <i>A</i> returned to work today; the girls, <i>V</i>, and I all survived. Huzzah!<br />
<br />
I
managed to wrangle the girls into position to tandem nurse on my own, I
kept V from trampling them, and I even washed some dishes.<br />
<br />
Wednesday:<br />
And
of course it's been two days since then and I'm still working on this
post. We're still surviving. Today has been a little rougher, the girls
aren't latching as well (they prefer biting and pulling on me, which has
caused a lot of pain/discomfort), and I'm trying to figure out if we're
dealing with the poor latch or the beginnings of thrush. We're still
nursing though. Last weekend we survived a batch of cluster feeding,
started to see some semblance of a pattern for nursing but that's all
sort of fallen to rot today. Hopefully tomorrow will go better.<br />
<br />
I
wrote a thank you note for my fertility clinic today. I may have shed a
tear... because seriously how do you thank someone enough for such a
gift? And I realize that yes they are paid monetarily for what they do,
but our clinic really went above and beyond during our time there. And
without them none of these kids would exist, there is absolutely no
question of that. I tucked the note in with our birth announcement for
the girls, just like I did with <i>V</i>, and it'll go in the mail tomorrow. We'll probably take the kids to visit Dr. M sometime in the coming weeks. I'm sure that will be full of all the feels since we don't plan on ever returning there.AnotherDreamerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11487881766884178761noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2145084082738588532.post-74962516557558540542014-07-14T17:47:00.002-04:002014-07-14T17:47:41.922-04:00Two weeks out-We're still here! It feels like it's been over a month, but we're doing good.<br />
<br />
The girls nurse constantly, much to my surprise I actually have a bit of an oversupply this time. It's been rough though, I won't lie. I have an overactive letdown, <i>G</i> can power through it (letting the excess dribble out her mouth) but we have started using a shield for<i> J</i>. <i>J</i> still struggles to latch, and after my milk came in she started struggling with my overactive letdown. I've read that I should express the excess off on a burp cloth, but my excess is like an ounce... so I either need to pump it off (which can exacerbate the issue, I've read) or I need to use this shield. So far we're doing well with the shield, although that does make nursing while out difficult since I can't really use it then... and she does not do well without it initially.<br /><br />My day usually consists of changing a diaper, feeding them, burping, then changing yet another diaper, then topping them off with more nursing- this takes about an hour when all is said and done. Then they either nap, or they don't. Sometimes they trade off, one will stay up and the other sleeps, then the next session they switch and the other one stays up. It really drains me down when they do this at night. Anyway, then we do it all over again an hour or two later. They're actually getting ready to wake up again now.<br />
<br />
My incision did get infected last week shortly after returning home. I had a bad fever, but we caught it very early and the antibiotics seem to have gotten it under control. I'm still very swollen, retaining a lot of water in my legs/feet, and my lower belly. My OB actually used dissolvable staples this time because my swelling was so bad in my lower belly. I lost 25lbs instantly in the hospital after having the girls, but still can't wear any of my pre-weight loss clothes. It's just as well, with the swelling and pitting from it, stretchy maternity clothes are the way to go.<br />
<br />
A has another week of vacation, and I have to say he has been amazing. With the c-section I've been very limited in what I could do... but he's been wrangling V, helping me get the girls set up to tandem, waking at night to help me with them, doing all the cleaning, dishes, bringing me meals, laundry, you name it... man deserves a medal right now.<br />
<br />
And <i>G</i> is now grunting and squirming... time for me to go! Another time.AnotherDreamerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11487881766884178761noreply@blogger.com4