Taking it a day at a time-

First a short summary of what we know:
- Completely Anovluatory on my own (since I was 21, before that I was extremely irregular)
- Started trying to concieve shortly after turning 22... I'm turning 25 in January
- PCOS; with a 2:1 LH:FSH ratio
- Ovaries are classic PCOS cystic
- All ultrasounds have revealed nothing to be concerned about in uterus
- High Testosterone and DHEA-S

- Glucose Tolerance Test was higher than normal, but should be controlled with Metformin

- Have tried on own, with Clomid, with FSH injectable medications and Dexamethasone

- Had issues with luteal phase while on injectables, started using progesterone

- Gotten pregnant three times, resulted in early miscarriages

- HSG was clear

- Karotyping was normal

- Tested negative for most clotting disorders, but have PAI-1 4g/5g (started low-dose aspirin after second miscarriage)

So, we decided to test for three clotting disorders which are not usually tested for at all, and are not common.

We're going to get some other stuff underway, but it's all going to be spaced out over a few months because I just have too much going on. I am graduating in three weeks, the holidays are obviously upon us, and then in January I have to renew my license, plates etc... because unfortunately, I am getting older again.

I agreed to a saline ultrasound of my uterus, just in case we missed something. I will probably go ahead and get that done next month.

I agreed to a laproscopy to check for endometriosis and anything else that might be going on, and I have also gave her the green light to go ahead just perform the ovarian drilling while in there...

I will probably not get this done until January or February though... it really depends on how my consult goes with the carpal tunnel doc... and when I can get in for surgery (hoping to have both arms done and over with at once... probably not going to happen, but who knows). Yeah. The new year is going to have quite the excitement going on.

As for if I unexpectedly find myself pregnant again, whether not trying or trying... I am to call them immediately. I will continue using low-dose aspirin and metformin. I get to use progesterone too, and she said I could continue the dexamethasone if I really want to. She also let me know that she wouldn't normally do this, but given my history and my sister's history, she is okay with putting me on Lovenox in pregnancy as well. There are of course major risks with using a blood thinner, but I am willing to take on those risks. So, if I do somehow find myself pregnant, I will begin shooting up again in a different way.

Speaking of shooting up... I decided we will not try injectables again for sure. Not given the massive dose of meds I require and our lack of success- I am not wanting to spend much more money trying to get pregnant at this point. If I do try to get pregnant again, it will be after the ovarian drilling and possibly with Clomid and Dexamethasone- but nothing more extensive than that. I'd rather put the money towards adoption savings, you know? And we may eventually try embryo adoption, but I am just not sure I want to do that now. I just don't want to invest the money into it while we don't know for sure why I keep miscarrying... I just don't know. I need more time to think about it.

And that's what I have now, time. A few months to just piddle around and get testing done, research, rest up, and think about where we're going.

The holiday today is kicking my butt. It's hard, but at least I am safe at work (no pun intended on that one, as I stare at our security cameras and buzz people in and out of the locked doors of the shelter) Safe as in, I am not seeing my in-laws today. And due to a time conflict with my mom, I will not be able to make it to her get together either. Fine by me.

My husband bought me part of my x-mas gift early, Bea.tles R.oc.kband. Rock on. That kept me entertained all night. And then tonight, after I make some turkey dinner for myself and my husband, I'm going to see a movie. Tomorrow I am having my three best friends over for my Thanksgiving vegetarian lasagna- my little brother will be there too. So, all my favoritest people will be under one roof with me- and for that, I am thankful.

My uterus-

My uterus should become a paid assassin. I'd make killing at the bank. Pun totally intended.

Beta dropped down to 15, so... as I said from the beginning, another chemical.

I'm not surprised.

I have already had a complete thrombophilia panel done. I was on low-dose aspirin for my PAI-1 4g/5g. My HSG showed no uterine abnormalities and clear tubes. Karyotyping on my husband and myself was normal. This cycle I did injectable medication, with dexamethasone to lower my DHEA-S and testosterone (hoping to make stimming better and egg quality as well), I did an IUI, timing was great and sperm count and motility were awesome, there were 2-4 eggs, I was on progesterone to support my levels after ovulation. ... and yet, none of that was enough for a viable pregnancy. So where does that leave us.

With more questions than answers.

Is it my eggs, is it my hormones, is it my uterus, is it something else like an immune issue?

I suppose the answer to those questions will officially decide where we go from here. Even if we don't keep trying, I feel like I need more answers than what I have.

But either way, we are at least taking a break until into January- maybe a lot longer.
Who knows.

Calling it quits-

Betas are supposed to double every 48 to 72 hours... mine did not. It went from 30 to 44 in 48 hours... most likely non-viable. Not that I'm surprised.

Now, I am asking the universe to just let it be a defective embryo, and not an ectopic. Not to sound crazy, but I would like to minimize the damages. A chromosomally abnormal embryo I can handle, I've had it before, but I don't want to deal with an ectopic. Please not the added drama of an ectopic.

And so... this is my limit. This is my breaking point. This is me calling it quits. At this point, I'm not sure I want to try embryo adoption because I can not handle going through this again. At least not anytime soon. I know things change, but for now this is how I feel. Right now, I don't ever want to be pregnant again. Maybe I will want to in a month, or a year, maybe never, who knows. But for now, fuck that shit.

I think we're going to take a break from attempting any paths to parenthood for awhile. It's been a really long, and hard, two and a half years. And I am just... done. I can't do this anymore. I can't.

I know now that a biological child is something that I can not have, and am not sure I even want anymore... not at this price. And as much as I want to adopt, I know we can't right now. So where does that leave us?

Babyless, childless, and probably suffering our third loss.

On a break- until further notice.

More news to come Monday, when I get poked again for a repeat beta... fucking hell.

Should I be happy-

First of all.. I'm still spotting, for what that's worth.

This morning, Nurse calls me. She tells me my beta from 13dpo came back at 30, her voice all excited, and she tells me I am pregnant.

Yeah, you actually expect me to get on the happy train with you nurse? Um, no. Don't know if you actually read my chart, but see I've been here twice before- and neither time did I make it to the desired destination.

I shall refrain from getting on the happy train, mmmkay? If I have a good doubling beta, and make it past 6 weeks this time, if we see a heartbeat... maybe I will join you. But, don't hold your breath on that one.

I go in for a repeat beta on Friday. Should get the results by that evening.

I better not miscarry on Thanksgiving. That's the smallest favor I'm asking from the cosmos. If I stay "pregnant" I will be 5 weeks on Thanksgiving... 5 weeks seems to be about the time that things like going wrong for me. So, here's to hoping that if I miscarry it will be soon, or sometime after Thanksgiving and before Christmas. The holiday's are hard enough on their own, thank you very much.

I know I sound horribly pessimistic... but I've had two miscarriages out of two pregnancies (which, if you do the math, equals no babies). Pregnancy to me isn't what it is for so many other women. I have no faith in pregnancy, it has failed me. I have no faith in my body, it has failed me. I have no faith in the whole reproductive process, it has failed me. I know many women get pregnant, and things work out just as they should. But I have not been one of them. The most I can ask, is that if things don't work out, that they at least do so in a manner that creates the least damage. No matter what, it will cause damage... but I'm looking at the calendar and hoping the blow won't be as traumatic as it could be. Miscarrying this week, would be much less painful (both emotionally and physically) than it would be if I miscarried on Thanksgiving.

If it works out... well, that's wonderful. But if it doesn't... I don't want to have every Thanksgiving get together with our families to be a constant reminder of the little life I lost, and the turn our life never got to take, that everyone else's lives did.

I'm just saying.

I would love for it to work out- I would. But I can't let myself think of that. I've been there. I've dreamed those dreams. But the hard facts are right there in front of us- pregnancy does not always equal a baby.

Unless you've experienced the pain of loss, it's hard to imagine just how very draining it truly is. All the happiness, all the shiny glow of pregnancy, all the colors in the world- they sorta fade away. You fight, you fight so hard, to get them back- and maybe if you get pregnant and stay pregnant, maybe each day it gets a little brighter, maybe the glow grows back... but I don't know, I've never been there. For me, after the second miscarriage, the world just grew darker, every last shred of faith in pregnancy died.

Maybe it works for other people... but the fact of the matter is, for me, I have lost two babies. There are two lives I will never get to meet. I went through immense pain emotionally, and excruciating pain physically. I lost parts of myself that I will never, ever, get back. Parts of me died. Parts of me broke, and can't be repaired. Relationships were lost, and others strengthened. My life changed. I changed.

So, I know I sound like a pessimist- and who knows, maybe I am- but I want you to know where I'm coming from.

In real life, almost everyone takes miscarriages for granted, as if they are just a thing that happened... but they aren't. It changes a person, losing your baby. People assume you are still the same person after loss- and you aren't. You aren't.

This is who I am now. If I had a choice, I would still be naive like those women who get pregnant easily and carry to term with no issues... but I'm not, and there's no use dreaming I am, or pretending I am. This is who I am now. This is my life, as I know it.

Waiting-

I guess we wait now. I got the beta done, after much debate and dread. Hopefully the results will be in tomorrow and I can get a repeat on Friday. Maybe, depending on how things look, and how I feel. I really don't care about betas anymore, they are teasing wicked lying bitches. I know they can reassure and are good for confirmation about what is going on... but I don't like them anymore. Last pregnancy I had perfect doubling betas, they tripled at times, things looked lovely. And we know how that ended.

No, I don't have faith in betas anymore.

Spotting has definitely lessened now- and it's 14 days past the trigger, or 13dpo. I got my visit from mother nature at this point last injectable cycle. My pregnancy tests are still positive... I don't think it would still be the trigger at this point. I'm still taking my progesterone supplements in case I am pregnant.

But, I'm still not 100% that I am actually am pregnant.
I think I may be pregnant though, but I refuse to say that I am for sure.
And if I am, I still have my doubts about viability.


For those of you who are curious, here are my tests...

I will update again tomorrow when I have the results.
I kinda feel like I'm stuck on a really bad soap opera right now.

can I get off the train now-

13 days after trigger, 12 days past ovulation, and still a positive test. Highly doubting it's the trigger, but what do I know. I'm not a professional, right? What is it with nurses at infertility clinics? Why can't I ever get a compassionate one? Why do they act like I'm a freaking nut who doesn't know how my body works? Like I'm an idiot or something. Like I haven't been through this before.

She tells me, "It's to early to tell, and it's to early for a beta to be definitive."

Bull shit. My beta at 11dpo was fucking definitive last pregnancy, and the rising time after showed that it was progressing. I don't see how doing a beta, and then a follow-up beta two days later, wouldn't be definitive in this scenerio.

I explained how my body metabolizes the trigger fast, and that I know when I ovulated (the evening of my IUI) But no, it's still too early to know for sure. I should wait till Friday, like I was supposed to. My IUI was on a Thursday, they told me two weeks after that to test. Umm, so Thursday is when they told me to test. So to add on to it, they're trying to make me wait yet another day for everything. Fucking hell.

I guess I was hysterical enough because, after she told me it sounds like the spotting just means my period is coming and the test doesn't mean anything, well then she tells me that if it will make me feel better I can get the beta.

Yeah, if it would make me feel better. She says normally they would have the patients wait, but since it's me we could go ahead. Thanks, that really helps so much.

I asked when she would be calling the order in. She seemed surprised that I wanted it today... umm, why would I be calling if I didn't want it today? She said she would have it called in within the next half hour. Oh, but shit. The lab closes at 4pm, and it was around 3:35pm when I got off the phone... and it's over a 30 minute drive with after school and rush hour traffic (for some reason rush hour starts at 4 on the interstate)... yeah, no way I could make it. And very unlikely the order would have even been in before they closed.

So I guess insensitive nurse gets her way, and I will just wait this out and see what happens.

Spotting continues. Brown. Just like I had in my last pregnancy. Of course, it could be my period on it's way. Whatever. I am so done with this. I should have waited to test, but I'm a fucking moron. Am I pregnant, am I not, do I even fucking care at this point?

Damn. I feel stupid, and gyyped, and there's this crushing weight on my chest because this is it. This was the last real try for a biological child, at least for a very very long time. And I expected failure. I did. But not like this- I expected swift quick failure like last time. Now I have to wait and see how things progress tonight into tomorrow morning, and if mean bitch shows her face or not.

It never ends-

So, after not properly testing it out I am not sure if my faint positive yesterday was because of pregnancy, or still from the trigger- I was 10 days past ovulation (dpo), otherwise known as 11 days after trigger. The last time my trigger was out 8 days later at 7dpo. So, technically it should be out.

A faint dollar tree test this morning showed a super faint positive as well. There wasn't really a line yesterday on that brand, but today there is a hard to see one. My First Response test last night definitely had a line, but it was light. I can't say it definitely wasn't the trigger though, unfortunately. So I planned on retesting today to see how that line is doing, if it went away, etc...

So I went upstairs just now to use the bathroom, and I found pink and red spotting. Great. Little late for implantation, so my guess is the end. I thought, okay, still going to test with the First Response test though... but even if it comes back positive I am still not going to hold onto any hope because all signs point to no.

So I tested... still a faint positive. Granted it was with diluted urine, but still... pretty darn faint.
Add that to my spotting and you get=
Fuck.

Looks like I may be adding another chemical pregnancy to my list.

Yes, yes, I know. It could very well still be viable or something or other if I really am pregnant.
I will call the doc tomorrow and annoy them about those possibilities. They probably don't want to hear it though, because they told me not to test until 14 days after my IUI.

I'm just going to curl into a ball and bawl my eyes out now.

ETA: I know it's still to early to confirm one way or another. But right now I feel like it is, and if I get my period tomorrow I will never know for sure. And that sucks big time. And it may be to early to say my period is on it's way too, except last time I had spotting at 12dpo and got my period in full force on 13dpo. Sooo... this is very similar except a day off (and except for the fact that I had negative tests on 10, 11, and 12dpo last time too) So... I am not 100%, as I said... I just feel like I know where this is going.