The darker side

Just feeling the hopelessness that goes with another failed cycle.

No response.

My P4 on CD20 was 1.4, so nothing by then. Nothing now.

I'm on cycle day 33 now, my BBT shows nothing. Nada.

I want to hold on to some hope that maybe my BBT didn't work this cycle, maybe I did ovulate and just can't see it. That maybe, just maybe, I am wrong.

Yeah, right. BBT worked for me before, doubt that it just stopped working. I'm giving it until Saturday, if nothing by then... I am starting the Provera again. I can't take much more of this cycle.

I always feel so empty, so hopeless, at the end of a useless cycle. I mean, if I at least ovulated, and just didn't get pregnant, I could live with that a little better. But this not even responding shit is getting old fast.

_______________________

And I'm now officially looking for a part time job. Not that I want one, especially with the quarter about to start back up at the good 'ole university, but I think I need to. Oh, what joy.

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By the way, the photo is from a lunar eclipse we had in February. I went out and stood in the snow, in my pajamas, to snap it with my zoom lens and tripod. It failed to capture the true beauty of the eclipse, but, meh.

Show and Tell

I'm getting an early jump on Show and Tell today (Check this blog out if you want to know more about Show and Tell) I figure if I don't get on it now I will not get around to it at all... I've been absent minded lately.

Here I am, camera-faced, reflected in a murky pond. Sometimes my mind feels like this reflection. As if I am displaced, in an alternate world. This can't be real, I can't be going through this shit. I have always felt like I was through the looking glass, looking in. This could never have been my life.

I went to my favorite place this week, I took a good friend of mine. I dream about taking my someday children here too. This place, it's magickal. It makes me believe in the world again. When I have writer's block, I go here. Never mind that when I do go here all I want to write about it magick and Pan. It invigorates me nonetheless.

The man that used to own these 47 acres left his entire estate to the city he lived in, when he passed away. Beautiful expansive garden, mansion, courtyard, ponds, forests. Free for everyone to enjoy. And now I want to share it with you, and share with you my looking glass self.

I go here to clear my head, from time to time. It is so peaceful, so heavenly. It is my happy place. I have many bad places, places I don't want to go to, but this place holds only joy for me. I go here with friends, I take my little brother. My old best friend used to take me here sometimes. It will always hold a special place in my heart.

I wish I had more places like this. I've seen so much ugliness in my life, and not hardly enough good. I look around me sometimes and I find that I am truly that girl in the looking glass. I live in a world where everything is topsy turvy, down is the new up. In my looking glass world you don't have a normal life. Instead of loving parents, you get a mentally ill, apathetic, mother and a physically disabled, and abusive, father. You are both the youngest child, and the middle child. You never settle into a normal life because you move every few months, and the longest you live anywhere is 3 years. You grow up years before everyone you know. You start paying bills before you're out of school. You find your true love at 18, then years later find out you can't have that dream family you both were waiting for. That dream family you swore one day would be yours. That love you missed out on growing up, that love you swore to give to your someday children, instead goes to your cats. And you feel broken, all the time.

I am Alice, except she was able to leave that twisted wonderland.
I've spent years trying to figure out how to cross this great distorted divide.
I keep wandering around, trying to figure out how normal people get by.
I have become strong because of all of my hardships. I don't doubt that, but what I wouldn't give to just once walk that uneven path. Just once to not have to cut down an entire jungle to find my way in this life.

Composure

Composure.

I need to learn how to do that, compose myself and hold myself together.

I'm going to visit my brother's kids soon.

I don't mind the visiting part. I love spending time with them...

It's the after that I worry about.

I always walk away empty, hallow, with this vague knowledge of what I am missing, and it hurts.

Reminders

So, on the 28th it will have been ten years since my sister lost her baby. Amariah, lost at 42 weeks, silently born.

You know, my sister never did get a clear answer to why it happened.

They said maybe it was her Rh negative blood, maybe she has Lupus, maybe they waited to long to deliver and that if they had induced a weeks earlier she'd be fine. The doctors never told her, "Yes, THIS caused your baby to pass away." No, they juggled her around, told her one thing, then another.

I sent her a card to let her know I was thinking of her.
I said, "I know how hard this month must be for you." and I told her that I miss Amariah too.

I hope that gives her some small comfort,
knowing that someone else is remembering Amariah too.

She lives on the other side of the USA than I do, so I never get to see her. And I wasn't sure what else to do, and I really wanted to do something. So I hope this is something.

Check

I got my prescription of Metformin filled today.

I took the first dose earlier... and other than a little intestinal issues I feel great. I'm not to worried about the intestinal issues right now. I get those off and on, my body freaks out sometimes. Seriously. When I get too stressed out I get physically ill. I don't think that's normal, but it is for me, soooo. The intestinal issues the Met is causing is very similar to my bodies induced discomforts, so I am thinking that I can handle it. We shall see.

Just thought I'd share this: I just jumped and gasped while typing this because one of my cats walked up behind me and started licking my leg for no apparent reason. What a little oddball.
Do your pets ever do weird things like that? Or is it just mine?

Maybe, maybe not.

So I got a "borderline" PCOS diagnosis. My doctor prefers to see a LH:FSH ratio of 3:1 as opposed to my 2:1 for an official diagnosis. Oh well. He prescribed me the Metformin, so I am okay with the "borderline" diagnosis. As long as we are treating it as PCOS I am satisfied.

I am going to wait a few more weeks to see if I Ov. I am on CD20 now.

So much fun.


I am feeling blah, and a little sad.
An old friend of mine (Who I haven't spoken to in 5 years) recently lost his little brother and sister in a car crash. They were 18 and 21.
I can't begin to imagine how painful this must be for him and his family.

I just feel so bad for them.

I saw in the obituary that this particular person I used to be good friends with has a 2 year old little girl. I can't even picture this guy as an adult, let alone a father.

It's strange how life passes us by. In our minds we like to picture that everything stays the same. We can see the school, it's concrete exterior, it's faded linoleum halls. We see the teachers all stuck in time, our friends in amber. But time never stands still. All the while we are imaging that it does, it's actually buffeting around us, a whirl wind. Neither the building, the people, or ourselves stay in this place. We all change, our world shapes us. We don't even put a dent in it, but it can change us down into our core.

Life is so strange.

Ack

So I set up an appointment with my doctor to discuss the possible PCOS.
And hopefully will either get tested for insulin resistance, or be given Metformin without testing.
I don't know, but something at least I hope.

If he says no, well... I will be doctor shopping. Oh how fun.

My ovaries have been tender for the past couple of days, but no ovulation. No temp rise, no positive OPKs, no nothing. I'm on CD19 (oh boy, how fun).

I wonder what's up with that.

Last cycle I had some mild ovary discomfort as well, but no ovulation. So... who knows. Maybe nothing is going to happen, just like last time.

But boy are my ovaries kicking.

Fun fun funnity fun.
Stupid ovaries.