Composure

Composure.

I need to learn how to do that, compose myself and hold myself together.

I'm going to visit my brother's kids soon.

I don't mind the visiting part. I love spending time with them...

It's the after that I worry about.

I always walk away empty, hallow, with this vague knowledge of what I am missing, and it hurts.

Reminders

So, on the 28th it will have been ten years since my sister lost her baby. Amariah, lost at 42 weeks, silently born.

You know, my sister never did get a clear answer to why it happened.

They said maybe it was her Rh negative blood, maybe she has Lupus, maybe they waited to long to deliver and that if they had induced a weeks earlier she'd be fine. The doctors never told her, "Yes, THIS caused your baby to pass away." No, they juggled her around, told her one thing, then another.

I sent her a card to let her know I was thinking of her.
I said, "I know how hard this month must be for you." and I told her that I miss Amariah too.

I hope that gives her some small comfort,
knowing that someone else is remembering Amariah too.

She lives on the other side of the USA than I do, so I never get to see her. And I wasn't sure what else to do, and I really wanted to do something. So I hope this is something.

Check

I got my prescription of Metformin filled today.

I took the first dose earlier... and other than a little intestinal issues I feel great. I'm not to worried about the intestinal issues right now. I get those off and on, my body freaks out sometimes. Seriously. When I get too stressed out I get physically ill. I don't think that's normal, but it is for me, soooo. The intestinal issues the Met is causing is very similar to my bodies induced discomforts, so I am thinking that I can handle it. We shall see.

Just thought I'd share this: I just jumped and gasped while typing this because one of my cats walked up behind me and started licking my leg for no apparent reason. What a little oddball.
Do your pets ever do weird things like that? Or is it just mine?

Maybe, maybe not.

So I got a "borderline" PCOS diagnosis. My doctor prefers to see a LH:FSH ratio of 3:1 as opposed to my 2:1 for an official diagnosis. Oh well. He prescribed me the Metformin, so I am okay with the "borderline" diagnosis. As long as we are treating it as PCOS I am satisfied.

I am going to wait a few more weeks to see if I Ov. I am on CD20 now.

So much fun.


I am feeling blah, and a little sad.
An old friend of mine (Who I haven't spoken to in 5 years) recently lost his little brother and sister in a car crash. They were 18 and 21.
I can't begin to imagine how painful this must be for him and his family.

I just feel so bad for them.

I saw in the obituary that this particular person I used to be good friends with has a 2 year old little girl. I can't even picture this guy as an adult, let alone a father.

It's strange how life passes us by. In our minds we like to picture that everything stays the same. We can see the school, it's concrete exterior, it's faded linoleum halls. We see the teachers all stuck in time, our friends in amber. But time never stands still. All the while we are imaging that it does, it's actually buffeting around us, a whirl wind. Neither the building, the people, or ourselves stay in this place. We all change, our world shapes us. We don't even put a dent in it, but it can change us down into our core.

Life is so strange.

Ack

So I set up an appointment with my doctor to discuss the possible PCOS.
And hopefully will either get tested for insulin resistance, or be given Metformin without testing.
I don't know, but something at least I hope.

If he says no, well... I will be doctor shopping. Oh how fun.

My ovaries have been tender for the past couple of days, but no ovulation. No temp rise, no positive OPKs, no nothing. I'm on CD19 (oh boy, how fun).

I wonder what's up with that.

Last cycle I had some mild ovary discomfort as well, but no ovulation. So... who knows. Maybe nothing is going to happen, just like last time.

But boy are my ovaries kicking.

Fun fun funnity fun.
Stupid ovaries.

Hello, Ovaries?

Dear Ovaries,

I have found myself talking to you of late. Sometimes I wonder if you're alive, awake, insane; if you are spiteful vengeful bitches.

What have you been up to the last few days? You've been making me uncomfortable, a little sore, a little angry. Are you pulling my chain like you did last cycle, where you felt like you were going to do something- and then didn't. Or are you really going to obey me this time, and stop making me punish you with the Clomid? Because if I have to spank you with the Clomid again, I will.

You don't really want more of the Clomid- do you?
Cause I know I don't.

Why I think I have PCOS, and my doctors are butt munches.

A history of my craptastic reproductive history:

I started having periods at 15, at random intervals.
They were heavy, clotty, and sooo random.
I mean every couple of months random.

I started gaining weight at 16, rapidly. In my midsection mostly. Not my thighs, butt, or arms/legs. Nope, my belly got huge.

I started growing unwanted hair at 16. Facial hair, on my toes, etc... Very annoying. By the time I was a high school senior I was the only 17 year old girl I knew with a mustache.

I started getting 'bacne', plus acne on other parts of my body.

I started growing skin tags.

My period started taking longer intervals of absence.

BCP solved all my problems.

I go off BCP, and suddenly AF is all over the place again within a few cycles.
Then she disappears completely.

I do research, think I may have PCOS.

I go to doctor, stop TTC (Not like I was really trying, I was just feeding my own delusions.) I go on BCP for a few cycles. This doctor suggests I have PCOS based on my appearance, she has PCOS and is familiar with the signs.

I've been treating my problem as if it is PCOS since then, because it fits the glove.

I have been anovulatory for 1 year and 1 month by the time I magically ovulate after stopping BCP. It always regulates me for one to two cycles coming off of it.

I get pregnant at this time, and miscarry.

I go on with being anovulatory.

Get infertility blood work with a new doctor, find out my FSH at 5.4 and my LH at 11.2. Hmmm.

_______________________________
Here, I'll lay out my results, in case someone with more knowledge than me would like to analyze and relay their findings to me:

LH-11.2 (Seems high, especially compared to the FSH.)
FSH-5.4
T4-0.8 (This seems on the low side.)
TSH-2.37
Prolactin-10.8
_______________________________

Yet I am not "officially" diagnosised with PCOS.
I am not "officially" diagnosised with anything except infertility.
Have not been checked for insulin resistance, but sure plan on doing it soon.

My new doctor fails to mention his concerns of PCOS with me.

So I had one that wanted to write it off as PCOS without testing, and another who wants to test for stuff but not write it off as anything?

I am on my second round of Clomid.
Didn't respond to 50mg. I'm on CD17 and haven't responded to 100mg yet.
Fun fun.

Next step, a new doctor?
Maybe more Clomid, maybe Femara.
Maybe Metformin.
Who knows.

Maybe the 100mg will work and I'll ovulate, get pregnant, and not have to worry about it all... HA ha ha ha. Good joke, I know.

You know what else I know?
Doctors are butt muches.