Decisions, decisions-

So apparently I tested positive for MTHFR A1298C awhile back. But it's the least worriesome of the lot, so my doctor isn't concerned with it. I still would have liked to know though. Meh. I'm already on low dose aspirin because of the PAI-1 4g/5g I have. And I already take prenatals with high folic acid, as she said, so it should be covered. If I ever do get pregnant Lovenox has been on the table for awhile, and I think with two minor clotting factors (and the uterine septum resection) I'm even more inclined to take it if I get pregnant.

We're still thinking donor embryos are going to be the best bet for us. However, she did mention she may have some injectables for me to do another cycle, and while I was on the fence about it I decided to go ahead and take them. So, waiting on blood work to clear me to start Provera and then we'll do a final injectable cycle.

She's going to have billing call me to talk to me about fees and costs for both IVF and a FET (which we'd need for donor embies). IVF is pretty much not an option for us, but I'm going to find out costs of everything to weigh all options.

She really couldn't give me an idea of our odds of success since we have no idea why I keep miscarrying. I mean, we know what the tests have said but in the end who knows what actually caused what, could have just been chromosomal. So... tough decision. If it was just infertility the decision might be easier, but with recurrent miscarriages the risks of it not working are compounded. I mean, maybe I have a 45% chance of pregnancy, but no one has any idea what my odds of carrying to term are. In theory I should be able to, I mean we know about my clotting disorders and we've had my septum resected, my odds should be normal now... but... my odds will never be "normal". Not without knowing what the hell keeps happening for sure. We can guess and guess and guess, but we are not 100% sure what ended each pregnancy. And if it will happen again. In theory I should be able to carry to term, I just haven't.

It's really a gamble no matter what we do. We bet roughly $5,000 on a 40% chance of pregnancy with donor embryos, or $10,000 on IVF for the same chances but with our genes. Those odds don't include our risk of miscarriage.

Then there's $16,000 (plus birth mother expenses) for domestic adoption through the agency I'd be using, with a 100% guarantee of a child.

Decisions decisions.

The more I think about things, the more I've realized something: I want another chance at being pregnant. One of the things I hate is that pregnancy is a horrible thing for me now, it makes me remember the 6 hours of contractions from the second miscarriage, what I went through, with all of them- it's just really hard. I know that those memories will always stay with me, and it's always going to be hard and a successful pregnancy isn't going to fix that, but I want to experience a successful pregnancy. Just once, I want it to work. I hate that those memories are all I'll ever have, that I'll never get that experience of it working.

Loopy-

- Still waiting on the doctor appointment. No changes here. I did confuse FertilityFriend though. It gave me crosshairs awhile back, but I didn't ovulate so I took them away. Well now it says that it can't pinpoint ovulation to a 24 hour period of time, but it may have occured between cycle days 28 and 41.

Can I just say..... BWHAHAHAHA. As if. I am still 99.9% sure I have not ovulated, and even if I did I should have gotten a period by now. And the probability of a positive test is low due to timing, and I already had a negative test on cycle day 44. So... BWHAHAHA. In my like 3 years of charting on FertilityFriend I have never confused it before. Go me!

My temps are all over the place though, so I can't say I blame it for being confused. Everything's been screwy for me since my surgeries and switch to graveyard shift. Temping just doesn't work the best for me anymore... but I am not about to waste money on OPKs since I don't ovulate on my own, except maybe once in over five years. They would just be a HUGE waste of money for me. Especially since we aren't exactly trying anymore, so we don't need to time things... I just want to know if my period is coming. ever. That's all I'm asking for.

- Valentine's Day was good. I scored some video games and... a K.intect for our X.box. I made out like a bandit this year, I know. My husband tends to spoil me more than he used to, I think it's because we've been through so much and he knows I get depressed. It was really sweet though. I was wanting a Ki.nect so I could have some games to help keep me more active, because if you haven't noticed I am a total geek and am really into video games (they make me feel better). So on top of my exercises, I've started playing with that thing like an hour to half an hour a day. I burned 200 additional calories playing Da.nce Ce.ntral yesterday. Seriously. Hahahaha. I don't dance. ever. But it was fun.

And because we got that I had to rearrange our living room. Wooooo. That was a pain. Our living room looks totally different, and I am so not used to it. It literally appears to be 2x bigger. It's an old house (over 100 years) and I knew the living room was huge when we moved in, and the ceilings ridiculously high too... but damn. There is just so much space on the floor now; it's crazy what just a little rearranging will do. It works for now, it was just a spur of the moment rearranging... I'll probably have to continue contemplating what I want to do with it next. I'm really not used to having so much space though.

- Still staying strong with the diet and exercise :) I can do this. I logged in my measurements to Sparkpeople yesterday, down 1.5-2 pounds since I began this new regiment last week. I also lost like half an inch off my waist. Maybe. You know how those measurements can be in flux. I try to weigh/measure myself first thing in the morning so that it's the same time of day and I haven't eaten yet. This way I can ensure the best accuracy by decreasing variables between weighings. But even then, if I ate something the night before, or didn't, etc... it can change things slightly. Waiting more for a bigger picture than each week individually anyway.

Will update after I talk to the RE Thursday... getting anxious. I think I will write down what I want to discuss, that way I don't forget. It's usually a good idea anyway. So until then, cheers!

So yeah-

- I'm pretty much sick of all this ice. Ever since we had that ice storm, it's been an icy world of doom. It froze all surfaces, and even froze the 9+ inches of snow. I mean froze. Solid. Completely. It was a bit warmer today, so it melted some... but not much. Weeks now. Weeks of living in a frozen hell. Like, the morning after the storm, I was going home from work... It took me a good fifteen minutes to walk to my car, a walk that normally takes a minute tops. There was an inch of ice on the pavement. I was slidding one foot at a time, as careful as I could.

- Our driveway is on a hill. We park up it. Today we parked it like we always do. I went to go to the car to drive to work, and it had slid down the driveway. I kid you not. Slid down the driveway on the ice, almost into the street. Fantastic.

I hope spring gets here early.

- Still on track with my calories and exercise! So with all my changes (Metformin dose/types, exercise, dietary changes, etc...) According to my home scale, I am now down like 10lbs since Thanksgiving. Ha! I have trouble believing that, because my clothes do not agree, but the scale seems to think so. I'm just going to go with it.

So 40 more to go before October!

- Going back to the docotor Thursday... still not sure how I feel about that. I know I need to, and I love my doctor, but... it's hard to explain. When I figure out what I'm trying to say, I'll put it in another post. Just a lot of things.

Ok, I did it-

I manned up and scheduled an appointment. Going to talk to my doctor on Thursday.

(*sigh*)

I don't want to-

5 days in and my watching calories and exercising everyday is going well. So yay me! My muscles all hate me, I'm sore EVERYWHERE, my legs feel like jello, but I'm toughing it out.

In other news... unfortunately, it looks like I did not ovulate after all. I know I need to start a new cycle soon because of the risk of endometrial cancer going up the longer I wait, my period will be longer and heavier, and blah blah blah... but I just don't want to call my doctor.

Now picture me saying that last line, but squealing and tossing my arms like a child throwing a tantrum. I JUST DON'T WANNA!

I feel a little better now. No, wait; no I don't. Because I'm still going to have to call someone and ask for provera. And then after that either refills or birth control pills. I know that birth control pills is probably the smart move, but I don't want to damn it. I just spent all this time trying to get pregnant, I don't want to take birth control pills. But, I know they'd regulate my hormones, and they've always done my body good. Sometimes I even ovulate a cycle coming off of them. But... I don't want to.

It's such a poor excuse, but there you have it.

Still kickin' it-

What have I gotten myself into?

Days one and two of the new plan have went... well? I set my plan into motion, determined my goals and went for it. I have stayed within my calories the past two days and I have worked out each day.

And I feel like my muscles are going to crumble beneath the weight of me. I am sooooo sore. I keep reminding myself that it's a good thing, that it's going to get easier. But, um, owwie.

I built off my old workout, the same one I used to lose weight before. Yeah, I couldn't even finish it the first day. That's how out of shape I am; a workout I used to do 3 times a week, I couldn't even complete one routine. That sucks. But I know I can do it, I've done it before. It's just going to take time.

That's what I'm hoping is going to keep me motivated- knowing that this has worked before. I have used these same methods and they've worked. Before the first miscarriage, before fertility treatments.

I know this works, I know I can do this. It wasn't easy before, and I know it's not going to be easy now, but I can do this. I have done this.

So, I took a test- it was negative. We are not surprised, right? So that means, if I did hypothetically ovulate when I thought I might have, then I should expect a new cycle Thursday. Not holding my breath, but it would be nice.

Since I got the negative, I may go ahead and start the Inositol tomorrow. Maybe it will help things along.

Otherwise, I've been meh. We canceled our cable last week and our TV feels naked. Watching lots of N.etflix and movies. It's actually kind of nice to have all that backround noise removed from our lives. We are more mindful of what we're watching, that's for sure. I do miss a few things from TV, but I'm sure I can get enough online of them to satisfy myself.

I'm feeling a little better about things, still in a bit of a funk, but feeling a little more positive. Hopefully things will continue to improve.

Sinking-

I've been pretty depressed lately, I think the new year, my job, my birthday, my cycle (or lack thereof) and a lot of other things kind of factored into it. But I've been in a funk.

I haven't felt like doing anything; not really wanting to clean the house, or work on any of my hobbies... I've been moping, I won't lie. It's easier to sit and stare at the wall than it is to focus on a movie or game. There's a lot of things I've been thinking about, but by the time I can sit down and write about them... I don't feel like it anymore. I pretty much logged off my life for a few days there.

I just feel so hopeless sometimes. I can't get pregnant, can't stay pregnant, can't find a job I want, husband's job situation is worrisome at times, can't save the money we need for embryo adoption or anything else at the moment, issues with my family (gah), my husband's family (agh), my weight, my husband's health, my health, dealing with some issues from the past, some issues from the present, and a whole hell lotta issues from where we're going.

I recognize that things could be so much worse, and I don't take what we have for granted. I just can't stop being depressed, I can't stop feeling helpless and hopeless. Almost 4 years ago we started down this path, and I just want to reach the end already. I want things to go the way I want them to, just once. I know there are some things I can change, some things I can work on, that aren't really as hopeless as they seem. And I own that, and I am trying to change them. It's just really hard sometimes, and I get overwhelmed. Sometimes I look at the mountain ahead of me, instead of the ground beneath my feet, and it's so ominous.

*deep breathes*

I made a goal to lose weight while we're saving money. While I haven't gained any, thanks to the change in my Metformin dosage, I haven't really lost any. Maybe two pounds, but nothing noticeable. I haven't really made any effort to do anything about it either, I've just been in a huge funk.

So, I decided tonight that I am tired of being in this funk. I'm tired of being this size. I'm going to hold myself accountable and get back into the swing of things. So I've made a plan, and I'm hoping to start implementing it tomorrow. It might be a very rough week, but I am putting it out here so that it's public, so I have a reason to hold myself accountable. Screw PCOS and all this weight, I know I can lose it. It might be really really hard, but I can do it. I need to.

I've ordered some Myo Inositol to see if it helps with my PCOS. I've read other women's successes with Myo Inositol/DCI, and saw some studies done on Pubmed.gov. Small studies, but some have had interesting results. I opted to try Myo Inositol because it's cheaper, and it's the kind used in some of the more promising studies. DCI is basically the same, but from what I understand it's what Myo Inositol is processed into and many women say it's better for PCOS than the other. I'm going to try this for now though, and see how that goes.

Tomorrow I'm starting yoga again. I loved yoga. I don't really know why I stopped, because I felt it was a hassle? Because no one was holding me accountable, least of all myself? I don't know, but I do love yoga. Unlike most exercises, yoga feels good to me. I may alternate between yoga and an exercise ball, or do them the same day. Those activities should help me tone muscle, and they're a little cardio so that's good.

Every other day I'm going to try to walk 30-40 minutes, 1 mile, at minimum. That should be toning and cardio. I can't run really, if I even jog I have an asthma attack. Not cool. So for now starting there. Maybe my lungs will get a bit better as I continue working out, but for now- no running/jogging/strenuous activity.

Also going to have to start watching my calories again. I know I can get them down, I've down this before. My cravings are way less than they were since I upped my Metformin, so I'm hoping that will make the transition a little easier. For now the goal is less than 1,800 calories a day. Later, I'm probably going to aim closer to 1,500. But for now, this is good. The goal is to lose 43lbs by October. More would be awesome, but 43lbs is a start in the right direction. That would put me 22lbs below how much I weighed when I first started trying to conceive.

I'm considering going on birth control pills while I'm working on the weight loss. It would ensure I'm having a cycle, give my body a break from it's own hormone misproduction, and prevent cysts. I just don't know yet. Still deciding on that.

Hopefully these changes do their thing- I'm ready for a change.