Breathe in, breathe out.

We're still here, though I'm still very much in survival mode. My depression returned, and we've just hit a rough patch, and well, life can just be messy sometimes. The kids are all (currently) well. J does seem to be of a sensitive disposition, as she had a fever for almost 6 days over something (apparently) viral with no other symptoms. It started on V's birthday, and lasted through New Years, with a trip to her doctor. She also frequently boycotts sleep and has days/nights reversed, so that's rough. G is the easiest baby I've had, she falls asleep on schedule every night and sleeps until dawn. I keep joking that if all my babies were like G, I would have wanted 10. V is doing well, still high spirited, and recently turned 3 (!).

V's birthday was complicated by a sick baby, but his party went fine. The night before J kept us up all night, I had maybe 4 hours of sleep. A family member caused a lot of drama the morning of the party, which ended with us terminating the relationship after all was said and done. The party itself was great, V had so much fun seeing everyone. Later that night I was so tired I washed a pacifier and tried to give it to V, when I meant to give it to J. Then later I poured maple syrup in his milk, when I meant to pour chocolate.

I am beyond exhausted.

A found out a bit of bad news on Christmas Eve: he may lose his job in the coming months. They are talking about terminating his entire department and going a different route. He's been there for 8.5 years, and his job is our sole source of income. I have considered looking for a job, but it would be counter productive at this time- if I had a job we would need daycare for 3 children, and my milk supply would take a hit (I'm sure), which would mean buying formula for two babies. For now, A is looking and applying for jobs, while considering returning to school. He has already had a few interviews, but it's not going well because he never finished his degree. We are saving money and doing what we can. If worse comes to worse, we will evaluate our options with me working, even if that means other shifts.

We are trying to be proactive without borrowing worry right now. He may not lose it, he may keep his job until April, he might be fired tomorrow, we have no idea. I just wanted to make it through Christmas and V's birthday, and make them a good one- we'd already bought everything, so it was all taken care of at least. At least that hurdle is over.

My birthday is at the end of the month; I'll be turning 30. It feels like I should probably do something important for that, or care more, but all I can muster is a half-hearted, "Meh." Maybe I'll reflect more on that later.

My depression hit hard a few weeks before Christmas. I am considering going back on medication. I also have some other issues going on that are probably contributing to it, and I wonder if I can clear them up, how much that would help.

I have a persistent rash on my hands, I've been dealing with it since 2009 (has gotten worse every year since) but my PCP initially said it was dry skin so I never went back. It is not dry skin, or at least it's not just dry skin. It gets worse, and only seems to get better with Benadryl and Hydrocortizone cream. No amount of lotion, Coconut Oil, or Aquafor was helping. It goes from the back of my hands to the underside of my arm, to my elbows. It burns. It comes and goes. I'm thinking it's eczema, immune issues, or sensitivity to chemicals, and/or food allergies. The rash is always worse before bed. The dry skin makes it break open all over my hands/knuckles, so it feels like hundreds of little paper cuts sometimes. I have a problem of not going back and speaking up when I get blown off by a doctor. I know I have to advocate for myself, but it's hard sometimes.

The other issue is really that of my own doing. I decided to get an Mi.rena put in. I know the odds of me conceiving are low, but I wasn't willing to take chances (knowing my plate is already too full) so I got one. It would also have negated needing to take progesterone every few months for the withdraw bleed, due to my typical anovulation. Unfortunately, I have been spotting and bleeding since mid-October now, cramping off/on. It is really getting to me. I want it take out, but I also don't want to make the drive, pay the money, or go through the pain of having it removed. My OB wants me to give it six months for my body to adjust, but I honestly don't want to deal with this for three more months.

There are other stresses, but I've already bored you with enough. I am just in a funk and things have been harder for me than I'd like to admit. I'm hoping that as this year goes on, we can get things back on track. There are a lot of things I'd like to get started for the new year... a daily schedule for my own benefit, and V's, or making more things at home to save money, maybe writing again or finding more 'me' time. I don't know. I just know that I need to turn things around.