People keep asking me how I am, my go to response is simply, "Exhausted." We chuckle, and then skip over to whatever they wanted to talk about.
I try to keep up, but while they're talking I'm usually wrangling a child, nursing, washing dishes, or trying to watch TV during my very limited "me" time. The truth is... things have been hard. I am exhausted from the moment I wake up, until the moment I go down. A toddler and infant twins is hard work. Work I love and would not trade for the world, but I also feel like I'm imploding. My walls are breaking down, I snap more at everyone, I am physically and mentally exhausted, I'm having trouble putting sentences together sometimes, my reserves are just depleted. I'm hoping I can get some "me" time soon, even if it's just a hair cut, because right now all I get is a daily shower and if I'm very lucky an hour while all the kids nap at the same time. I'm having one of those rare moments right now.
It's not even the cleaning, because let's be honest... I'm lucky if I get the dishes washed every day. And I have to get the dishes washed (no dishwashing machine) otherwise I can't make dinner. It's more... the feeling of constantly being needed, of never getting time to turn off my awareness. Awareness of where the kids are, are they okay, who needs food, who needs changed, who needs their clothes changed, who needs bathed, who needs.... always who needs what. I often forget about my own needs... I would forget to shower if my hair wasn't so greasy (yay hormones) and I wasn't breastfeeding.
I forget a lot these days. Blood work was fine, my doctor thinks it's just mental exhaustion- if it gets worse, come back in. In the meantime, well, I'm really absentminded. Until I get better... or I don't. I say the opposite word sometimes, forget the word I'm looking for, etc.. It's unnerving.
I am not complaining. I love my children, and I love our life. I am just swamped, with very little help. I'm trying to remind myself that this phase will pass... probably sooner than I want it too. A goes above and beyond helping me with the kids, but I'm still here alone with all the kids half the day. I'm the only one who can feed the girls since we're breastfeeding. Our families don't really have anything to do with us. A couple of them might visit the kids for an hour or two, but that doesn't help me at all... it just means our daily routine gets disrupted, and I might have to clean.
It's not all doom and gloom, honest. I get giggles, and coos, in the morning I get the most beautiful smiles. V makes me laugh so much my sides hurt some nights. Watching them grow, and start to interact with each other, is the greatest privilege in the world. These children are worth the struggle I went through to have them, and what I'm going through right now.
I just need a chance to recharge.
11 comments:
I HEAR you completely. BIg hugs!! Is there a junior high aged girl you can hire to play with the toddler for a few hours? I =used to have one for $5 a hour. Her family moved. I miss her.
Hang in there!
Thanks Jen. There really isn't anyone local, one of my nieces would be a possibility but she's in school and too far away. Right now I'm just focusing on getting through each day... next year the girls will be a little older, and V can go to preschool... just got to get through this!
Yes to everything!! Not that I had twins...but yes to always being needed and having to be aware all the time....having the 3rd baby just made me feel constantly overwhelmed. No matter what I did someone was always crying/whining/hungry. Add in never getting deep sleep...((hugs)) to you. I hope you get some time this weekend to take a long shower and nap and then a hair cut :-)
So glad to see an update about these cuties. I know it's not the same thing, but I just went through a similar brain fog phase after my surgery. I was exhausted all the time and watching V took all of my energy. It's hard to feel that exhausted and feel like you can't even talk straight!
You will definitely get through this, take good care!
Yes yes yes, you captured that early time period so well. This is it, the hardest part, because you're doing everything you're doing WITHOUT sleep. Not just without sleep; it's without rest, breaks, all those things that people get during the day to recharge and then shoot forward. It's cold comfort to know it gets better later when you need it better now. Hang in there.
I so get how you are feeling and I have only one infant. I'm lucky to get a shower once a week. J is always working late and soon he'll be gone again!
"the feeling of constantly being needed, of never getting time to turn off my awareness..." YES. This exactly. Exhaustion takes on such a different meaning, because it isn't just physical, let me sleep exhaustion (thought that would be nice); it's always having to be "on" exhaustion. Because if I don't do it, if I don't feed the toddler or prepare the lessons or take care of my teachers, no one is going to. I'm not a mom of an infant yet, but January will bring even more need for awareness-HOW to handle a toddler and an infant. Like you said, I know it won't last forever. What a lovely post. So glad Mel featured you so I could read this.
Here from the round up.
Hugs!
Glad your doctor took you seriously, and had your blood tested. If you're in Amsterdam I'll gladly babysit during a haircut!
Glad to see an update from you. Here's hoping you get that break soon. (((hugs)))
Poor thing, I can only imagine. At least this phase of life is truly short and will pass. Things will get easier. I have a hard time with just 1 sometimes, lol, so you're doing pretty darn good making the transition from 1 to 3!
I have those days too. They are fewer between now, but multiples can be overwhelming. Praying for some you time and for stress relief! Hugs!
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