11 months!

Well, we only have one more month until he's a year old! It still amazes me, every single day, how much he's grown. We went ahead and did holiday photos the other day, so I could order our cards. That was crazy: the cats kept photo-bombing us, he wouldn't hold still, and he wasn't feeling well in general! If you'll notice the cat under the tree in this one... ahem. Anyway, I'll probably get those mailed around the same time I get his birthday party invites sent out.

As for the not feeling well, he's been pretty upset since Friday. I don't know if it's because he has a tooth ready to cut through, or something else. It's really hard to see him like this though. And cleaning up the mess is... awful. I'll just say he's having digestive issues. I'm trying to keep him hydrated and soothed as best I can. If he isn't better by Thursday the pediatrician's office said to bring him in, so hopefully he'll be better before it comes to that.

When he isn't feeling well he gets super clingy, so I've been cuddling him a lot. It really breaks my heart when he's like this though, he'll only go to sleep snuggling me, while crying/whimpering. Even then it's usually an uneasy sleep. Poor kid.

Otherwise he's doing good. He's taken a few steps; I wouldn't say he's walking yet, but he's definitely experimenting with letting go and taking a step here and there. We're at two consecutive steps in a row before he tumbles down. He's also getting good at letting go and slowly getting down, instead of holding on for stability as he lowers himself from standing. So, gravity... he's learning.

He's interested in the tree, but he's not as interested as the cats. Yet. He mostly ignores it, but he's started trying to touch it. Of course, when he tries to grab it I sternly say, "No. Don't touch." and he promptly cries. Sigh. He has a very strong reaction to me telling him not to go somewhere or touch something, but it does mean he's learned what the words mean. I'd say he listens over half the time. The rest of the time he stops, looks over at me, grins really big, and crawls even faster into disobedience as if to say, "Catch me if you can, mommy!" So, I laugh as I chase him. Which probably sends mixed signals, but it is pretty hilarious.

He waves hello and bye-bye now... sometimes. Usually only to his daddy. I'd say 98% of the time. He's been on a daddy kick lately. He still clings to me a lot, cries when I leave his sight, but his face just lights up when he sees A. Sometimes he excitedly starts babbling and crawls after him as fast as he can. It's adorable.

We still haven't figured out sippy cups... but we'll get there eventually. He can sort of use his sippy, but he's more interested in playing with it. We tried the straw ones but that was even worse. I'm going to buy a couple different brands and experiment around. He's figured out how to use his bath toys to scoop up water and drink the tub water like a cup (sigh) but can't figure out a sippy... maybe I should just try a regular cup? Heh.

Oh, and the cats figured out he's a human. He catches them sometimes, and promptly tries to lick them. He's obsessed with licking the cats. It's. hilarious. Some of the cats are dumb enough to let him get them... I have to run interference (did I use that term right? I am not a sports person!). I do my best to discourage cat licking in this house. Anyway, he certainly keeps me on my toes

Settling plans

My best friend got engaged the other day, and I am so happy for her. Truly. I've never heard so much happiness in her voice. Of course that means I get to be a bridesmaid. I've never done that before; I'm actually very honored.

Of course, that brings with it considerations for next year, when we were planning on trying to conceive another child. There's a few things to consider, since her wedding will be in late September. And unfortunately it requires a lot of fore-thinking. We have to consider each month we want to try and the possible ramifications for it being successful... or not being successful. I wouldn't want to be due (or too heavily pregnant) at the wedding because of my dress. I also can't be in the first trimester because of my risk for another subchorionic hematoma, and subsequent bed rest. So, that leaves us with TTC mid-March to June, then resuming in early October.

No idea about treatments right now; we're thinking of trying on our own for a couple months. With any luck I'll get a couple post-birth-control-pill rebound cycles. We still need to talk to my reproductive doctor regardless, but that's the plan for now.

I'm okay with this. Waiting is a good idea for a lot of reasons, and I'd already been pushing A to wait. Having to stop and resume, while not ideal, is also probably for the best. Putting it off gives us more time to prepare, for me to lose more weight, for us to do more things that we both want and need to. Maybe I'll get my tattoo for my birthday this year, the rose tattoo for the second loss. Who knows.

I'm good though. I'm happy with this plan. I guess I have a more laid back attitude this time around (either that or it's just because we're not in the thick of it yet). I don't want to let trying swallow me whole again though; I want to accept that whatever happens, happens. Time will tell. I might start singing another tune when things get more real, but for now I have months ahead of me where I can try to focus on other things: like working out more, eating better, a wedding (squee), and spoiling my son rotten.

Novemeber weigh in-

This month I weighed in at 185.2 lbs... I only lost 2.2 lbs. A half inch off my hips and neck, but nothing off my waist. (*sigh*) I have only myself to blame. I will try better to stay within my calories this coming month... I need too. I'm doing pretty good though. I've lost 64.8 lbs total; 41.8 lbs of that is since March of this year. I've went from a size 22 in March, to a size 16 today. Which is amazing. But I'm not going to meet 175 by the end of the year like I'd hoped. Not a chance.

But I think that's okay. I've done really well. I've lost a lot of weight. I'm so much healthier. But I need to buckle down all the same.

 Since March 17, 2012:
Weight lost: 41.8

Inches off hips: 9.5

Inches off waist: 9.5

This and that-

I haven't been feeling well lately. I'm constantly exhausted, even on the nights where I get enough sleep. I think part of it is that I've been slacking on taking my vitamins. That wouldn't be a big problem, except my diet isn't the most well rounded. I hardly ever get enough protein... or iron, consequently. I try my best to round out my diet, but this is the same problem I had when I was a vegetarian. I'm just not good at eating the things I need... like protein/iron rich foods.

The multivitamins I bought were making me nauseous, so I've bought new ones and started taking all my other good stuff too (extra folic acid for my MTHFR, Inositol for my PCOS) I'm still taking all my regular goodies though, like my Vit D, low dose aspirin, and Metformin. Hopefully taking the multivitamin will help out with feeling so fatigued. I'm going to call my doctor if it keeps up.

I'm still working out like crazy. I do my jog 3x's a week (I increased my speed by half a mile per hour for the last half of my jog), which consists of 2 miles jogging and half a mile walking; then I do a post-run yoga workout to loosen my muscles. I recently increased my plank pose by another 30 seconds, and my arms are feeling it today, ugh. I walk one mile 4 days a week on top of that. I'm eating as many calories as I need to with my workout, with the goal of losing weight. So that should all be good. I have no idea how my weight loss is going this month though because my scale broke... I'll buy a new one before my next weigh in. I don't know if I really want to know. I've been eating pretty bad lately.

I'm still having trouble with my BCPs. These new ones give me a bleed every other week, versus the last few brands that just gave me a 2-2.5wk long bleed. I think I prefer these ones, but a brand that actually worked without breakthrough bleeding would be ideal. I'm so done with these things, they are driving me nuts.

It's going to be a busy next few weeks. The holidays are coming up fast, I still can't believe it's nearly Thanksgiving (less than 2 weeks, yikes). I have a lot of planning/prep to do for Christmas week. I have no idea where the time has gone, but it's really flying by now.

Speaking of which, I made this wreath today because I couldn't help myself. I'm not sure if I'm going to leave it as is or add a bow to it. I kind of like it the way it is. I have a few little projects planned, and a bunch of recipes to try out for my gifts (I always make a box of fudge with other goodies for our siblings/parents). So much to do though.

I've planned out V's birthday party (It's going to be a "Look whoo's turning one!" owl themed), but we still haven't figured out where we're having it. Our house isn't the best location, it's not really big enough for both our families and parking is awful. So we're calling around and trying to see what our options are... we had called around a couple months ago, and thought we found a place, only to learn we wouldn't be able to rent it after all. It was disappointing. So, on with our search.

No man's land?

I've been thinking about my status in the infertility community lately. I'll be honest, I don't even really know where I stand these days. I guess I'm "parenting after infertility and loss," but that doesn't seem to fit. I don't feel finished. Once we start trying again, what that will make me? Am I just "infertile," where I was once suffering "primary infertility?" According to the definition of secondary infertility, I'll never be that: it requires that your first child was conceived naturally. Definitely not me then. What about my loss issues? Regardless of my PCOS, my loss issues still lump me in the infertility category. Even if I manage to conceive on a natural cycle, it's going to require medical intervention to help me carry to term (if I'm even able to do that again)... so again, I am infertile. There's a lot out there on how it feels to suffer from primary infertility, and secondary infertility, parenting afterward, and even about the decision to live child free. I don't see a lot about the in between. It feels a bit like no man's land.

I spent four years with one major focus: to become a mother. Since I've had V, my thoughts have mostly been centered on parenting and healing. Parenting V "should" be the light at the end of the tunnel, and while it's very rewarding, it's not the end of my journey. At least, I hope so, because I had hoped to parent more children. Infertility might not be a major focus in my life, but it's laid it's roots deep, and it isn't going anywhere.

Now I know, infertility doesn't define me. It doesn't consume every aspect of my life, it doesn't force my hand in every decision, it doesn't determine who I am. But in a lot of ways, it does. How I react to entertainment (whether it's books, television, movies) is influenced by my experiences with infertility and loss. Maybe I would have been upset when the main character finds out she can't have kids, maybe the opening scene to "Up" would have always moved me; but because of my experience, being moved, well, it turns into ugly crying at times. Emotionally I have become both very jaded, and very fragile; it's a weird combination. How we make life decisions is heavily influenced by infertility and my miscarriage factors. We spent a lot of money to have V. That financial setback will take years to recover from. Our finances influence so many aspect of our lives, from career to transport, to the hows and whens of future family building. Even if we managed to get pregnant for "free," we would still be faced with all the expenses and unknowns that come with my miscarriage issues. How we have chosen to parent is influenced by how we grew up, and in some ways by what we went through to become parent in the first place. Maybe it isn't a large part, but there's no way going through what we did wouldn't affect our parenting at all.

So, it's true that infertility doesn't define me; but it did help create me.

As we get closer to the new year, we're left waffling back and forth about what we want to do next. We want to, and plan to, try again in the next year. When exactly is less certain. Do we try in January, do we wait until we've replaced our car, after we file taxes, do we wait until I reach my goal weight, do we wait until after the local shelter's 5K, do we keep putting it off and putting it off until next year... saying, "Maybe next month," but never committing? We want to wait and talk to my RE first, but when do we do that? I'm left hemming and hawing, wanting to move forward and take a risk, but also wanting to stay in this moment where everything feels safe.

It's funny how infertility shouldn't be a big part of my life right now, since I'm "parenting after infertility and loss," but it sure seems to be molding my life regardless.