Random things from this week-

- Here's a work-in-progress photograph of the blanket I gave SIL2. When I finished it I added some white trim. The blue color doesn't show up very well in the photo, but it is a really pretty color... it's also kind of shiny. Everyone thinks the basket weave looks really complicated, but it's actually the simplest pattern I've ever done. It's really nice and thick too.

- It's been an interesting day, we took my cat Ishi to the veterinarian's to get the snip. We were hoping it'll stop his spraying and help with his anxiety issues. I'm doubtful, but guess we'll see in time. Right now he's still pretty drugged up and wondering what the hell just happened. I have to keep reassuring him that the world is not in fact coming to an end.

- I didn't feel Nombie moving much this morning so I got the doppler out. It's so much easier finding him now that I know just where to look. I found it right away, and apparently woke him up because he started kicking the crap out of me. Love it! I also confirmed that all those whooshing noises I hear when I use it are in fact movement, because I can feel them now while I'm listening. So. freakin'. cool. I was pretty positive that they were, but thinking they are and actually feeling them is not the same experience. I just listened, felt, and marveled for a bit.

- I've started to get really exhausted at about 5pm. I think that'll work to my advantage once I go back to work since I'll be on the graveyard shift. I go back to work Thursday night, and I am so excited.

- We plan to look at baby stuff this weekend since we'll be 24wks on Saturday. I am scared, anxious, apprehensive, and mildly excited. We probably won't be buying much, if anything at all, but we wanted to at least start looking at stuff. We have to start somewhere, right? Baby steps...

I survived the weekend!

23 weeks and 1 day today! The appointment Friday went well, I'm finally above my pre-pregnancy weight (initially lost 5lbs, and have gained that back plus 3lbs). Nombie had a good heartbeat at 145bpm. He's been kicking me a lot at night and in the morning, or maybe jumping? I don't really know, but it's cute.

I just got home from the baby shower. It wasn't horrible, but it was still awkward and trying. The blanket I crocheted for the baby got many Ooos and Awws, I'm glad they liked it. People tried to make small talk with me about the pregnancy and the baby... yeah.

But it's over with, and I can breath a sigh of relief. Whew.

I'm tired and I have a headache now.

Is it the weekend yet?

- I'm anxious for our appointment on Friday. Hopefully things will check out good.

- Also, Saturday will be 23wks... so close to 24wks, I can almost taste it.

- Of course, Sunday I have to go to that baby shower for SIL2... not at all looking forward to how uncomfortable and awkward that'll be.

- Apparently everyone at my work now knows that I'm pregnant. I filled in for someone the other day (officially back on the schedule on the 1st!) and she said she heard I was pregnant and about my bed rest. And if that co-worker knows, everyone knows. She's a sweet old lady, but she's the biggest gossip ever. She made awkward pregnancy talk with me... I get so uncomfortable when that happens.

- I hope that I don't have to endure any awkward pregnancy talk at the baby shower. Please please please please please...

- My little brother should be staying in the state now, he's going to switch from living with his mom to living with his dad. But his dad doesn't have a place here, he's been crashing at various family member's houses for the past year or two. So I agreed to let my little brother stay with us until his father finds a place. So we'll be having a high school sophomore staying with us for a bit, and all the joys that entails. Hahaha. I love my brother, he's awesome, but it's going to be interesting getting him off to school in the morning and all that.

- I should go make dinner.

- Here's a belly shot from today: 22 weeks 4 days

The little things-

I started feeling kicks this week; I am in constant awe. Just little faint flicks, that sometimes tickle and are sometimes uncomfortable, but they are always amazing. I can go almost all day without feeling anything, and that worries me sometimes... but I've been able to find him with the doppler. At which point I seem to wake him up, and he starts moving around again. Oops.

Last night I was working, and he was kicking the crap out of me almost all night. At some point he must have went to sleep, and all was quiet. Until I ate some candy, and discovered the Snickers are like speed for fetuses. Again, amazing.

Sometimes when a cat lays on my belly, I can feel him kicking the crap out of the cat. The cats can't feel it, but it cracks me up. He did that to my husband the other night when he was holding me, my husband couldn't feel it but I loved it.

It's such a simple thing, and I'm sure a lot of people take it for granted... but to me, it's the most amazing feeling in the world. I don't want to talk about it too much because I know it's a sensitive issue for some, but I really can't get over it.

Just as I am awestruck by my little boy's kicks, I'm looking at the calendar and I see in a few minutes it will be the 21st again. It's a simple thing, a day most people take for granted. But on that day in 1998... my niece died. My sister once felt her kicks, once heard her heart; 13 years ago she held her for the first time, and the last time. Her death preceded her birth by a single day.

Every August my heart turns to her, to my sister, to her family. I know that to her sons, their sister is still somewhat of a foreign concept. They know she died, but they don't know what exactly that meant. They came after the tornado of loss, when the damage wasn't so raw. They came when my sister had tucked up the debris, after she had started rebuilding, and they too were a process of that. But even the process of rebuilding is no match for the raw disaster area of stillbirth.

And to me too, my niece's loss was a foreign concept. I wasn't living in the same state, she didn't talk to her little sister about what happened, I was too young to understand. As I grew up, and got married, the reality became less foreign. I understood it more, I watched her sons growing taller, stronger, and I grieved more. As I lost my first, and my second, then my third pregnancy, my understanding deepened to a level that I never imagined possible.

My niece is dead. All that she could have been is gone. We keep wondering what the doctors could have done differently, if they had just taken her seriously the day before when my sister went in... would she still be here? If the hospital was better... if they'd induced her because she was overdue... so many what ifs. And none of them matter. None of us can change what happened. All we can do is keep loving her. Beautiful, perfect, Amariah.

Just as I'm reveling in my current pregnancy, I remember about how unexpected life is. My sister only had a 3% chance of losing her daughter at full term. I only had a 1% chance of losing my first three pregnancies. Statistics... they feel like such a false sense of security. We always think, "But that could never happen to me," until it does, and you're left reeling from it.

I know there's no way you can prepare for the unimaginable, but living through it your subconscious has no choice but to build barriers. I find myself doing that a lot with this pregnancy: my hesitation to talk about it, my despair at entering a baby aisle in a store, my fears of baby showers, the way I word things, the way I cringe when people talk as if this baby is a done deal. I know that shielding myself will do no good, that whether I lose the baby or not doesn't change what happens. But I can't help it. I still love this baby, and I love every second that he's still here with me. But I have to do things in my own time. I bought a baby item yesterday, online (I have yet to make an in store purchase). I'll have to take "baby steps" towards things. And I know it sounds stupid or silly to some people, but I don't care much for what I should be doing, or what I should be enjoying, I've never been one for the mainstream anyway. I'll do things in my own time.

But I do hope that this doesn't reflect poorly to people about how I feel about this baby. I've put my life on the line for this baby, I've sacrificed so much just to conceive it, not to mention in every attempt to carry him to term- I loved this baby before we conceived him, and with everyday I love him more.

To most of this country, pregnancy and birth are a given. They believe conception is easy, and pregnancy is assumed. They think that reaching full term means you'll have a living baby. These precious, wondrous, kicks are a given. But to me, these little things aren't so little. I take nothing for granted.

Everyday is a gift.

This and that-

- I talked to the nurse and apparently she left in on the voice mail for the pharmacy at 4:30, so it was a combination of her procrastinating and the pharmacy not checking on things. Which, well, just made my day super stressful since no one was on the ball. Ugh. I did get my meds, and that's what really matters at the end of the day. But I could really do without the stress.

- My OBs phones were still down on Friday, so we just went ahead and drove the hour up there to ask for a urine analysis. I could have tried my regular doctor, but they NEVER squeeze anyone in on a Friday, and our co-pay for urgent care is astronomical so we didn't want to do that either. Luckily the OB's office squeezed us in and it looks like I don't have a bladder infection or UTI... my OB thinks it's just the way my uterus sits on my bladder. Apparently this happens to some women... So how am I supposed to know if I have a bladder infection when it constantly feels like I have an infection? I had a similar issue early on in the pregnancy, and my RE said she thought it was my uterus sitting on my bladder/urethra then. So... I feel special.

- I think I've started feeling little taps this past week. Or maybe baby hiccups. I don't know, I don't feel them everyday or very often. And it's really faint, like barely noticeable sometimes. Sometimes it tickles and sometimes it makes my lower area hurt (he likes to jump on my cervix). When it tickles, I unintentionally giggle. My husband keeps asking if I can feel any of them on the outside, but I can barely even feel them on the inside right now... so I think it'll be awhile before that.

- We've moved our game systems and everything back downstairs now. It feels weird to spend my free time on the couch instead of laid up in my bed. The animals are all in heaven though, it was like a contest to lay all over me. I feel so loved sometimes. My house is starting to look liveable again, and I'm finally doing the spring cleaning. Just a little bit at a time, but some progress is better than none.

- Belly shots. Okay so the first one is from when I started doing them at 14wks, and the other one is from today at 21wks 2days. So a bit of a difference. My pants all still fit, although I bought a pair of maternity pants and discovered that they're way more comfortable (and make me look slightly more pregnant). Shirts all still fit fine too, but some are getting a bit more snug. I still don't look very pregnant, especially to strangers.

I still haven't gained a lot of weight yet either (which is great), maybe a few pounds in the last few weeks. My home scale said about 226lbs this morning. My home scale is usually about 2lbs or so below my OBs, so I might actually be above my pre-pregnancy weight now. I really think the Metformin is helping me stay on track. I'm super glad my OB let me stay on it. I will have to do the glucose tolerance test at 28wks, but until then we're good.

I've been eating A LOT this past week. I think we've hit a growth spurt or something. I mean, one day I'm not really hungry and then the next I'm freaking eating everything in sight. Speaking of which, I'm hungry again... so I'd better get off here!

Here's the belly shots: 14w vs 21wks

Weepy mess today-

I got a major run around today trying to get my Lovenox filled. I called yesterday to get it filled, let them know I would be out today... and today at 1 it still wasn't in.

So I was like, okay, well I need to call the nurse anyway because I think I may have a bladder infection. So first I call, and their phones are down. So I had to call a different number, then follow it's automated messaging service, and finally got the nurse's voice mail. So I left a message checking on my refill, again repeating that I needed it TODAY, and asked her to call me back.

Hours passed, and she didn't call me back. My prescription still hadn't been called in.

It was like 4pm, and I was like 'screw this crap!' I called back. Instead of leaving her a message, I opted to go through to the appointments desk where I was sure to talk to a real person... no question of the phones losing my message. I tell her I really need that prescription TODAY and that it wasn't in, she offers to go back and talk to the nurse. She talks to the nurse, who tells her that she did get my message and would call it in for me today. I asked the appointment lady to please also tell her I'd really like to know if I should schedule an appointment to come in because I really think I have a bladder infection. She said she would, so I was like okay, whew.

5pm rolls around, the nurse NEVER called me back. I called the pharmacy at 5:30, and they told me my prescription still hasn't been called in.

Are you for serious? By this point, I'm an hour away from when I need my injection and I am BAWLING my eyes out. I called the on call desk, explained the situation, and got the on call doctor to call it in for me. He said he'd look into the matter for me too.

So it was called in, and my husband goes to pick it up for me. And there's two prescriptions for it. We have no idea when which one was called in. So either the nurse called it in after 5:30pm, or the pharmacy lied to me about it not being called in yet. (*MAJOR HEAD DESK*) First of all, my OB had not gotten it called in by 4pm for sure- because I know she had not called in then, she said she would get to it at that point. So she did procrastinate a lot. But did she get it called in before 5:30 and then the pharmacy messed up after her mess up? No idea. And really, no matter who is at fault, it just made for an overall stressful day for me.

And I STILL don't know about coming in to get checked for a bladder infection :( I hurt, and I would really like to start antibiotics soon if that's the case... not at their earliest convenience. I mean, seriously, I was just wanting to see if I should schedule an appointment or if she could call it in. And she couldn't take a minute out of her day to tell me one way or another? Well, that seems like total crap to me. So no appointment, no medicine, no anything... great. And tomorrow is Friday, so what does that mean? A nice big weekend write off for me? Probably.

I also called my REs office today about a bill they sent me, and left the billing lady a message there. She never called me back either. I guess they didn't want my money that badly after all? I'm way less worked up about that situation, hahahaha.

Also, I've had the most awful heartburn all week. In summary of today... my eyes still burn from all the crying I did, and I think I might spew so I think I'm going to buy some Mylanta then call it a freaking night.

(As an aside, I'm not usually this much of a mess when I get frustrated. Usually I just get angry, hahaha. I think after all the bed rest and stress of everything I've been going through, has gotten to me... and the thought of not getting my Lovenox sent me over the edge. Yikes. It was just a very very long day.)

Anatomy scan-

We're 20 weeks 3 days today, and our appointment went well. The MFM said that Nombie has "nice brains"... yeah... She didn't see anything wrong though, so Nombie looks great. We also confirmed that Nombie was indeed a boy, which really didn't surprise me at all. That 16.5 week ultrasound was pretty clear.

He was driving the ultrasound tech nuts though, because he wouldn't cooperate. When she went in for a shot of his lips, he threw his hands up and covered his face. It was awesome. Of course, because of his acrobatics we did not get a good profile photo, but we did get a cute foot/knee/leg shot; so I'm sharing that one. I don't know why, but the little hands/feet ones just kill me with their cuteness.

So all things considered, today went pretty fantastic. Whew. I see my OB in two weeks, until then... more waiting!

Emotionally draining-

It's amazing how filling out a simple questionnaire for a new doctor can be so emotionally draining. I know that it's hard, it's not the first time I've had to fill these things out, but some days they're just harder to fill out than others.

I'm going to the Maternal Fetal Medicine center in less than 12 hours for my level 2 ultrasound. They mailed me some paperwork to fill out before the appointment, which doesn't seem like a big thing. But then I get into it, and I just want to stop answering the questions. I get so tired of answering them, retelling the stories, reliving it.

Number of pregnancies: 4
Number of living children: 0
Explain: ... (*sigh*)

Then I have to tell them what my diagnoses are, what medications I'm on, what surgeries I've had... The boxes are so small, and my history is too big for them.

That's kind of how I feel about my life though, I've went through too much in 4 years. The years were too few for me to deal with this, not enough time to grieve or to process. Every year, the lists got bigger... the explanations longer. Which in some ways was good because it meant we were getting answers. But in other ways, it just made things harder.

I know I've posted about this before, but honestly I just really needed to get it out right now, because I know that despite filling out this paperwork... they're probably going to ask me a billion questions about it again tomorrow. They always do. I hate that. Why ask me to fill it out, if you're going to verbally ask me about every single detail again?

I'm so tired of having to rehash this out. I've had to retell my story so many times this pregnancy; constantly retelling it to different nurses, doctors, questionnaires. I feel like I should just print out a handy sheet and start passing it around. Before this pregnancy, I didn't have to retell it so often. I had my doctors, and they knew my history, and we knew what the plan was. Suddenly I'm having to tell my story left and right to total strangers, defend my doctors decisions to have me on certain medications, deal with people who have no idea about fertility treatments or clotting disorders... it's exhausting.

"half baked"-

Well, assuming Nombie is still alive... then I'm 20 weeks pregnant today.

A huge milestone, but obviously not the biggest one. Still, making it this far is an accomplishment. Still waiting until around 24 weeks to start buying major stuff... which I know, it's just a month away, but it feels like forever right now. So much can happen in a month.

I let myself buy some maternity clothes today. Plus size maternity doesn't have much to offer, thankfully I don't think I'll be buying much more. As frustrating as that was, it wasn't the only thing I took away from the experience. Being in there felt foreign, and the atmosphere got to me. Everyone was just so happy, so carefree. I heard women with due dates after mine, in January and February, all smiles buying clothes. And I knew that wasn't me, and it wouldn't be me. I'm still shaken from everything I've lived through and been witness too. I celebrate in other ways, I celebrate after each ultrasound that Nombie is still alive, I started window shopping baby things online, small things here and there. But honestly, as far as today is concerned? Getting my car fixed this morning made me way more giddy than buying maternity clothes.

The staff was way over attentive and too excitable; it made me uncomfortable when they asked how far along I am, what the due date is (which always makes people extra smiley since it's due 12/24), and tried to chat about it. I had trouble engaging in the conversation. I don't think I'm ever going to feel okay talking about my pregnancy with strangers (or family/friends for that matter). I can't explain why. Like I'm afraid to jinx it? Or like I'm a poser? Like it's something secret, something that shouldn't be talked about? I don't know how to explain it, I can't even put a finger on exactly what it is. I lost my other pregnancies, and this pregnancy has been so complicated, that I just really feel out of sorts about it even now.

I am very anxious for my anatomy scan on Tuesday. I don't know, the past few days I've just become very anxious. I'm worried that something will be wrong with Nombie... or that Nombie won't be with us anymore. I'm still not feeling movement, and I wish I would... I think that'd help some with the anxiety and make things more real for me. My doppler I bought isn't picking up anything anymore. I've given up on it, I still try it every few weeks... but it seems to be a lost cause. I just wish I had a way to know if Nombie was still alive. I know he was 2 weeks ago, but again... a lot can happen in a short span of time.

I got an informal invite to SIL2's baby shower at the end of the month. If things are still going well, then I'm going to go. I still feel dread about this, not just because I think it's going to be awkward (as all gatherings involving my in-laws and myself are) but also because I'm still scared about baby showers. I KNOW I'm pregnant now, but that hasn't seemed to make things easier. I still get uncomfortable with the way people talk at them, as if babies are done deals and people can get pregnant anytime they want (and when they don't want to). I can't explain it, and I know it's probably not rational, but I can't handle the happy naive talk. I've lost three pregnancies, and I still feel that.

I know my mom is hoping to have a baby shower for me in October, and yes... I even feel dread about my own. My only consolation there is that I can reel my mom in, and that my friends will be guarding me from the stupid comments and putting people in check. At SIL2's shower, I'll be alone... surrounded by people who don't understand what it's like to lose a baby (or multiple ones). I won't have a buffer or any support. It her baby, her shower, and I believe they have every right to do things as carefree as they want. I'll put on a happy face, keep my mouth shut, smile and nod; but I can't ignore the damage in my heart.

People say things that would normally be okay, except what's normal to me now is different than it was before my losses. I remember at SIL1's wedding, it was a month after our first miscarriage, MIL was standing at our table talking to SIL1's MIL. The subject? Well it was a wedding, so they were talking about babies. When was SIL1 and her new husband going to try? Hope they have a girl! On and on they talked, right beside me. MIL knew we'd just lost our first. Did she consider the proximity that she was discussing this? No. People don't typically think about this. It's just one of those things that people don't seem to really get unless they've lived it? It was bad at a wedding, now imagine at a baby shower. With strangers who don't know my history. And now I'm pregnant. And people seem to assume that because I'm pregnant, I'm no longer grieving what I've lost. They seem to assume that I'm "all better now."

I'm not.