Still Alive

Hi.

Sorry that I've dropped off the face of the planet here. Life has been so overwhelming and I can barely find the time to sit on the computer. Even now, I only have a few minutes... but while I'm here, I wanted to let everyone know I'm still alive.

In December we welcomed our newest and last baby, Mi.nerv.a Ro.sal.ind. She is beautiful and amazing, I still can't figure out how she's here. I know the logistics, I was there, but the idea of a baby just being created, growing, and birthing from me with so little fanfare is... surreal. She is our happy baby, always excited and smiling. The kids love her. She is our sunshine.

Life has been plowing ahead. V will begin Kindergarten in about a month. We've spent most of the year getting him the help he needs. He's been in occupational therapy for his hyper-mobility and behavioral issues, he's been in group therapy, he receives in home help from a behavioral specialist, plus we get help from early intervention. We're working on making a plan with the school. We have made some progress, but we have more to make. He's a great kid, he just gets overwhelmed. We're working on things. None of his issues are severe, but when you combine them it's explosive. His hyper-mobility sets off his mood disruptive disorder, his ADHD sets off his mood disruptive disorder, his sensory needs set everything off, he has a low frustration tolerance and everything is just harder for him on an emotional level and sometimes physical. I never realized how much of a hindrance his hypermobility really is, that it would cause him difficulty and pain doing everyday tasks like buttoning his pants, or holding a pencil.... we're working on building his muscle tone, it's getting better.

The twins are threenagers now... and they are living up to that.

On that note, I need to sign off. Never a dull moment here.

I wouldn't have it any other way though.

So much

Life has been busy, there is so much to do everyday and so much to manage.

The kids are full of energy, me not so much. Now that the first trimester nausea has passed, I am collapsing into exhaustion. I feel the baby girl a little bit now, we are at 21 weeks. Yes, it looks like we're having another girl. V was very upset about this at first, but he's warmed up to it... he's went from asking us to take her back, to telling me that it's okay and maybe the next baby will be a boy (oh no kid, this is the last).

V has been diagnosed with some sensory issues and oppositional defiance disorder, with precursors for ADHD, so we are in the works for counseling and occupational therapy. The girls are full of "no" and have started full on brawling (complete with head locks and biting). V meanwhile picks on G, favoring J,  and melts down at the littlest reprimand or disagreement from me. Going to the store is... sigh. Some days are hard.

Sometimes they play nicely, really. They have pretend picnics, give cuddles, or play castle together. They help each other out, or bring each other toys/snacks, or share without being asked.

Sometimes.

One of our cats was diagnosed with diabetes this weekend so we are processing that. He is 10 years old, so it's not completely unexpected but it blows. I gave him his first dose of insulin tonight and he had a possible low blood sugar episode which scared me... part of our learning curve unfortunately. He's okay now.

There is never a dull moment here.

While I feel pregnant, I also don't feel pregnant at all. Most of the time I don't think about it, but it is starting to get more real with the sudden hunger and subtle kicks,

Bottom line: We're managing. I'm tired. Kids crazy. Need sleep.

We're okay. As nuts as it is, I do love our life.
I just really want naps to be a thing still.

In which I became an urban legend

After the twins something clicked in my body. I began cycling on my own, almost predictably even, but of course there were off months and because of that... things happened. I was late, then I was later, and later, then... umm, I was pregnant.

Yeah. That happened.

It still doesn't feel real.

I waited to see if I would miscarry, diligently taking my medicine through the disbelief... but things have seemingly went smoothly. My bruising has been spectacular though.

I'm 8 weeks now. We had an ultrasound earlier this week... I saw the  heartbeat, everything seems to be growing on track.

I'm still processing it all. I really can't even begin to wrap my head around this.

So many things.

The company A was working for was sold, and the majority of the workers were laid off. Including him. We did get a generous severance pay out of it, and within a few weeks A already had something lined up. My heart still hurts for him though because that was the first job he really loved. He enjoyed the work, the environment, his coworkers... and poof. Gone. He isn't enjoying his new job so far, it's below his skill level and just not a good fit.

My health has been less than stellar, though I'll admit it could be worse. My left hand is... it's just fucked up. There's no way to put it. After two rounds of steroid shots I still have trigger finger in my thumb, so pending a second opinion surgery will be on the agenda at some point here. I had another shot for the de quervain and it was... useless. I am wondering if something else isn't going on in that area, but I haven't a clue. It feels tight, painful to move, as if it's locked up inside. The hand surgeon I saw was pretty non-plussed. It hurts like hell at night. I have been taking ibuprofen around the clock for weeks (months?), I have to splint my thumb and wrap to stabilize my wrist every night. I get pain and weakness in that hand, about halfway through the day it's usually mostly fine, but first thing in the morning and at night... it's a bitch. My left foot has started sticking a little too, when I pop my toes sometimes they lock a little. It's not painful, just disconcerting. My right heel spur is causing pain at night mostly, but during the day too, like a tight little ball with a tack in it. I don't even want to speculate on that mess.

Sometimes I feel so much older than I am.

I am trying to watch my diet more, I've had a lot more health issues that are directly related to weight and possibly my PCOS (specifically the Insulin Resistance and constant per-diabetes state I'm in). I keep failing because frankly I eat to pamper myself. Oh man, the kids were awful... here's some candy. Oh, I am so sleep deprived... here's a freaking carb loaded iced mocha. My depression is better in some ways but not others. Sometimes food is my solace, it makes me feel better. I've been reading more, watching shows, but sometimes... I just don't want to. Especially when I'm stretched to my introverted limit adulting (like making phone call after phone call, setting things up). I just want to sleep. And eat. And fall into a hot bath and sometimes I don't want to come out, ever.

I weaned the girls around my birthday last month. I let them lead the way, following their cues. We made it to 19 months. I am glad to have my body back, but I do miss the closeness sometimes. They still ask to nurse when they're hungry, but it's more a question than a request. I tell them mommy's milk is all gone and they'll hold their hands up and repeat me then go about their business.

The kids are sick. AGAIN. They were better for about 5-7 days. They all have fevers, coughs, the hacking scares me and keeps me on edge. I know that it's not a cause for concern unless it gets worse, but it still panics me. I keep notes charting meds, the doses, temps, the day.

My brain is foggy. I'll have a thought and will feel it flutter away while I'm trying to catch it, uselessly. Sometimes they come back to me. Sometimes they don't. I take a lot of notes now, it's the only way I can get anything done.

There is not enough of me.

Life in Transition

A lot of things have happened since I last posted. A got a new job, we moved to another state, and the kids have grown so much. We had to switch everything, it was such a long process.

I am exhausted all the time, it's just a state of being. I've been struggling with my depression, as a result my medication has been increased twice now. It's better than it was though, I am managing alright most days. Miraculously, now that I don't need it, my body has begun cycling on it's own. At least I don't needs medicine to induce I suppose. It would have been nice if I could have gotten it to do this 8 years ago though.

The twins are walking and talking, interacting, collaborating, and keeping me on my toes. We are still nursing, usually twice a day. They also eat solid foods like beasts. V is turning 4 this month, and I still can't process that. We're still having a lot of issues with him; we have good days and bad days. I'm hoping that we can get him into a preschool at some point here, I think it will do him good.

All that to say, we're alive and we're okay. Life is in transition, and it's a process.

Here's to hoping everyone has a peaceful holiday. Best wishes.

A Year Old, Times Two

We already had their party, but their birthday is today. It amazes me how much children grow and change in a year. My little babies are, well, not babies anymore. They walk, they can say words, they can climb almost anything, they are vocal and will tell you what's what.

They amaze me constantly.

We are still nursing, which means I've met my goal. We'll likely keep nursing for awhile yet. I never thought it would work out this long- I had hoped, but certainly not counted, on it working out. It's been a huge relief for us all. They eat a lot of solids now in addition to nursing, and get more confident even with just their two teeth a piece.

They play a lot more with V now too. Which is great but also harrowing. He doesn't understand boundaries, and neither do they. What is too rough for them, versus him, is at a different level. It results in a lot of, "GET OFF YOUR SISTER," "DON'T TACKLE," "DON'T PUSH HER DOWN," "IT'S NOT FUNNY, SHE'S CRYING." It's trying. He means well (most of the time), so it's just something we have to work through. Much like them all tackling the cats.

And so we close and say goodbye to our baby years. While we haven't 100% ruled out the possibility of a 4th someday, I can tell you that I feel complete with how things are. Unlike with V, where I felt the incompleteness, I now feel resolved. When I pack their things away to sell, I feel sadness but very little (if any) doubt. I'm mostly relieved, to tell you the truth.

I don't know how much more I will post here. It's harder and harder to get on here, and I feel I have less and less to say. More often than not, I'm so drained I can't write more than a quick status update. I still give support and advice where I can, but I don't know how much more I can say here other than... though the path wasn't the one that I would have chosen, I've had many wonderful companions along the way, and for that I am truly grateful. Thank you.

Foward momentum

The girls will be one next week. This Christmastime Vincent will be 4, he'll have been out of my womb for as long as it took us to conceive him. Time has a way of passing by before you know it. Those dark nights, filled with tears and hollowness, gave way to exhaustion and fulfillment. I am one of the lucky ones, and I will never lose sight of that.

For years our life was stagnant, we remained stuck due to our infertility and my recurrent losses. Our choices were forced. We had to take less risks. We had to stay near my doctors, hospitals, that understood my issues. We had to cut corners, cut costs, to save and save for treatments. Stay in positions that we would rather not.

A's job chose to terminate his department, doing away with his software, and we were once again forced to make a decision. It was time, something we were pursuing anyway, but this pushed the decision for us. And he found another position, a better position. I am so thankful. We spent months panicking, but we were lucky and this new position came through. We will likely be relocating to another state for this job. Another big change. And I find that it's time. I'm ready to move on. The things that held us here, no longer do. There is so much happiness, and so much sorrow, tied into where we are. We never planned to stay here this long. I don't know where life will take us after this, but I'm ready.

The girls' party is next weekend, I'm looking forward to celebrating their first year. And my surviving it, because it has not been easy. I still struggle, but little by little I think things are getting better. My fog of depression is lifting, and I can breathe a little easier. One day at a time.