An Unwanted Path

Life-

2012-02-11T13:21:00.011-05:00

Baby boy is almost 7wks old. Still trying to make sense of that. He's also like 12lbs, and in 3 month size clothing. I had to set aside the first newborn outfit he outgrew a week and a half ago. And now, I've had to put away pretty much all the newborn stuff.

I still can't wrap my head around how big he's getting. He's smiling more, especially in response to us. It's definitely less random. He absolutely loves it when I say, "I love you," in my baby talk voice. He loves having his cheeks touched and his hair ruffled. He's started trying to chuckle, it's a breathy noise right now, but he's getting louder with it. It's the most adorable thing I've ever heard. And the other night, we discovered that he's now ticklish. My husband can not get enough of that! Poor V, haha.

He's going through a growth spurt, so he's eating a lot. But he seems to be sleeping through the night more. I feel bad, I set alarms to wake up and feed him (still should be feeding him frequently since I'm primarily breastfeeding) but I sleep right through them. I have two alarm clocks for crying out loud! But I don't hear either of them? However, I wake up the instant he starts squirming. I mean, he can make the quietest noise and I am UP. But, he's growing just fine and everything so it must be okay. I still feel bad though. I probably should just count my blessings and be grateful for the sleep... but you know, parenting guilt and all that.

Of my 3 brothers and a sister, and A's 3 sisters and his brother, only his brother has came over to visit the baby still. I'm a little miffed about this, but at the same time- I keep reminding myself that it's their loss.

My siblings, I understand. My sister lives across the country, one of my brothers lives in another country altogether, one is in high school, and the other... well, we have a strained relationship right now. So, eh. A's siblings though... they all lives within a couple blocks of us. I mean, most of them live two streets over. LITERALLY. One sister keeps saying she wants to visit him, and says she's going to try to... but she's asked the past 4 weekends and then never showed. That is getting old. If you don't have any intention of showing up, then don't freakin' ask! End of story. All the rest, well they never even asked or tried. So I guess they at least have consistency going for them?

I know, so is life. It's a kind of petty thing to be upset about, but still... we made the trip out to visit all of his sister's after they had their children. All of them. No matter where we were emotionally, we toughed it out because those are our nephews and we do love them.

I just need to get over it, I know. It's really not a big deal. But as I said, I'm just a little miffed. They've done a lot of things over the years to make it clear that I'm not really family to them, and this just kind of feels like an extension of that. I'm probably just reading too much into it. Regardless, I need to deal with it and just ignore them. Not worth it.

A's brother did come out. He's scared of babies, so he didn't hold V, but it was nice of him to visit. He bought V a little stuffed video game character, which was sweet of him. I know A liked it; it was from one of his favorite video games haha.

We are soooo going to submerge this kid in geeky wonderfulness.

We did take V to meet my little brother, and we all went out to dinner for my birthday (well, belatedly). It was nice to get out of the house for something other than a doctor appointment. And it was nice to see my brother, I hadn't seen him in awhile; I miss him. Man, he's growing up fast. It seems like just yesterday he was a little baby and I was chasing him around. He'll be 17 this year! So surreal. Time is just flying by.

My sister sent the most amazing wall hanging for the nursery. I edited the image for the blog, but she made it herself, it's got V's full name down the center. The little birds I sat on it in the photo are for hanging elsewhere (I need to find a nice branch or something, I think!). On the backs of the birds are the dates of our miscarriages (the brown, blue, and gray ones), and the birth of V (the red one). It was such an incredibly sweet thing to do. I love it so much, it's just a perfect representation.

Oh, and before I forget... I'm finally done with my Lovenox injections!!! Definitely cause to celebrate! I had to take them until 6 weeks post-partum... but now I am done and I am so grateful.

Comfort-

2012-02-09T14:59:00.003-05:00

Thank you for the condolences on the loss of my dog. She saw me through so much; it's been hard losing her.

I got her as a birthday present when I was 14. She was so small. She slept in the bed with me, followed me everywhere I went, protected me, and comforted me. When I had my miscarriages, I came home and petted my dogs. I cuddled my cats. Pokey would sit by me, with her head on my lap. We would just sit together, and that was enough. She gave me a shoulder to cry on when so many others wouldn't.

I had always wanted her to know my children. She loved children so much. As the years of infertility wore on, I realized that she never would. She wasn't a young dog anymore, and even if we had a child they probably wouldn't even remember her. And let's face it, she was never going to play with them like she had with me as a child; she wouldn't ever tumble in the grass with them, swim with them, or roll down hills chasing them. Those days were far behind her. But she sat at our feet, watched over us, and loved us- and she would have done those things for V too. She lived a very full life, she saw a ripe old age, and she gave so much love and light to my life... she was wonderful. I'm glad she lived long enough to see him home, but I still wish we had longer. Don't we always though?

Rough morning-

2012-02-07T11:40:00.005-05:00

I had to say goodbye to my dog, Pokey, this morning. I got her for my 14th birthday, and she went with me as I left the nest. We had 13 years together... 13 years. She gave me so much happiness, and I hope I gave some back to her. God... I miss her so much already.

Birthday rambling-

2012-01-30T10:13:00.004-05:00

So today's my birthday, and baby boy turned one month on the 27th. It's been a crazy year. It was really trying at times, but it ended on such a happy note.

It's strange how insignificant my birthday is this year. Past years, I tried to blot out the pain of infertility and loss by packing it full of plans. I made sure to fill it with people and places that would make me smile, because I knew that by the end of the night I'd probably cry. This year, I've known it was coming up but there are no plans. I'm content with letting my birthday pass unacknowledged.

Past years, it was very difficult. I spent four birthdays with infertility. Three years ago on my birthday I ovulated, which resulted in a pregnancy that ended in a miscarriage. I've thought of that baby on my birthday every year since then. That was the farthest I'd made it before V. That one was the most traumatizing.

This year, I definitely count my good fortune. V is here, alive and well, and he gave me the most beautiful smiles this morning. I think the most I could ask for today is some more sleep, especially since he's been cluster feeding all weekend. But on the list of things to want, that's pretty awesome from where I'm sitting.

Downtime-

2012-01-20T18:29:00.004-05:00

I don't have much downtime right now- we're still trying to orchestrate some sort of a balance. We're getting there though.

Next week is going to be super busy: I have my post-op appointment with the OB, we're going to visit my RE (Dr. J) so she can meet V, and V has his one month appointment. Yeah, I can not believe it's already been almost a month now since we had him.

I am very excited about visiting Dr. J, and her nurse L. L called me after they got the birth announcement in the mail and wanted us to stop in; she was so sweet. We owe Dr. J so much. I mean, most doctors just do their thing and it's really just business, but she really went above and beyond for us. There aren't words enough to express how grateful we are for her.

As for my OB appointment... I am really hoping things are finally healing well. I finished my antibiotics, and I think my Cellulitus has cleared up (but maybe not all of it, some skin near the incision seems iffy to me). I haven't had a fever for awhile though, and my Mastitis is cleared up. As of yesterday I'm no longer oozing yellow liquid from my incision, so I suppose that's good. Swelling has went down too, so that's great. The clothes that fit me directly after the c-section hardly fit anymore because of the swelling from the Cellulitus... it was pretty bad. My incision is pretty uncomfortable, I'm still really sore, and I still can't get around very well. Which, as everyone keeps reminding me, is to be expected since I did have major abdominal surgery. But, I'm healing. It's a process.

Rituals-

2012-01-12T14:19:00.002-05:00

Everyone has little rituals they perform. Little things that carry huge weight for ourselves, but might not for others.

I have had a pregnancy ritual. Each pregnancy I took my pregnancy tests, and then I tucked them away in the bathroom. I kept them, staring at them sometimes for confirmation, or to compare them to the next test I'd taken.

When I lost my pregnancies, the ritual continued with me tossing all those tests in the trash. My heart heavy with loss, and feeling empty; I kept photos of the tests, but I needed to physically throw the tests out. It was a part of my grieving process.

This last pregnancy, I kept the tests. When things started going well, I considered throwing the tests out. But I couldn't. It wasn't exactly superstition, but I just could not get past the mental block of throwing them out. Throwing them out meant the pregnancy was over. And it wasn't over, not yet. I was only on the foothills of a mountain, and I still had miles to climb.

Today, I remembered that those tests are still in there. And I'm going to throw them out finally. It's still sad to toss them, because that means that this pregnancy really is over. And probably all pregnancies for me, since we don't plan on trying again (even if we change our mind, it won't be for years)- so it feels very final. But at the same time, so uplifting because I have a child now. I actually have a son. This leg of my journey is over- I stand at the top of the mountain, and I can look down and see all the land I've covered, obstacles I've overcame, and I can let part of that go now.

But only part.

Infertility is always going to be a part of who I am. I will always be infertile, from my PCOS to my miscarriage risks. I will always be a mother who has four children, but only one living. The other three left unspoken, hanging in the air between conversations, etched forever into my soul. I will be the mother with the tattoos for those that have gone before me, mementos scattered throughout my house, and the knowledge that nothing will ever be the same. I went through hell, and I kept going. That leaves a mark upon a person, invisible to the naked eye. As much as I just want to live, I have my own demons to deal with, grief that begs me to tend it's needs, and memories that haunt me. I am not saint, I am not as strong as some, and my battle has not been as hard as others- but it has weight, and I've had to incorporate it into my daily life.

It will always be a part of me.

Still healing-

2012-01-09T16:24:00.004-05:00

Well, I got my fever down Saturday finally. I kept it down with my fever reducing medications, and still felt like someone ran me over with a truck. Okay, that may be a bit dramatic. Maybe a small truck... or an El Camino.

Point is, I feel like crap still. But my fever is down now (even without meds!). It hasn't went above 99.4F all day. A big section of my incision started oozing yellow crap yesterday. Yuck. I'm told this is probably normal, and may be a good thing? My clothes got soaked through, and it was disgusting. Then today, two new spots on my incision started oozing as well. Bring on the nastiness.

So, I'm going back to my OB on Wednesday to access my oozing. I just find it odd that almost 2 weeks out from my surgery, it just now starts oozing. I mean, they told me that oozing could be normal as it heals... but at this point my steri-stip things should be falling off and it should be healed (well, at least closed). So I'm a bit confused. The nurse did say it could be because of the infection, which is why it could be good, since that means it's getting the nasty stuff out from the infection. I don't know. I do know I'll feel better if I have my OB look at it just the same.

The skin affected by my Cellulitus is still very red, very painful, hot, and starting to peel some. I personally don't see any improvement there so far. It's still early, but I would hope for some progress.

My Mastitis seems to have cleared up some. The right side of my breast isn't bright red, swollen, or painful anymore. Hooray for small victories!

V- is doing well. He had his appointment the other day, and he's gained back his birth weight already... so he's almost 9lbs again. His umbilical cord fell off last night, and he's 2 weeks old tomorrow.

I really don't know how that happened... I blame the sleepless, restless, and often pain reliever induced daze I've been in. It makes me sad that time is passing so quickly. I feel like I'm missing out because of my extended recovery. A- has been on vacation, so he's been here helping out. I wish I didn't have to rely on him so much because I want to do so much more for V-, but physically am unable to. I hate being so helpless. It's like being on bed rest all over again. But, at the same time I'm glad he's gotten this time with V- before returning to work. He's a great father, and I love watching him cuddle our son. Unfortunately, A- has to go back to work tomorrow... I have a sad. I'm going to miss him around here, and all the help he gives me.

And to my followers, I just want to let you know I understand if you feel the need to unfollow now that my blog is changing. I know that sometimes it gets too difficult to keep following sometimes because of the transition of "infertile blogger" to "parenting after infertility blogger". I want you to know that I have enjoyed your comments, your support, and I wish you luck and all the best in life.

I still haven't figured out how I'm going to transition, right now I'm just going with it. Infertility is still very much a part of my life, as well as our losses- especially since we have decided we are not likely ever to try for another child biologically (we'll revisit in 5 years, but for now our consensus is no- I guess more on that later). So where does that leave us... I don't know. Right now, we want to enjoy our son. Maybe someday we will brave the storm of fertility treatments and the risk of loss again, or maybe we'll go for adoption as we'd planned... but for now, we just want to enjoy this moment.

Now, since V- is still fast asleep in his bassinet, I'm going to sneak a moment to grab a snack (or rather, send A- to fetch me something). I should probably take some pain meds too, I'm starting to get really sore again... ugh.

Quick update becaues I feel like crap-

2012-01-06T20:28:00.004-05:00

I went to see my OB today. Apparently I've developed Cellulitus (a bacterial skin infection) above my incision. I started antibiotics today, but it will take time for them to start working. Meanwhile, I've been battling a fever of 103F all day. I feel like crap.

I may also have Mastitis (an infection of the breast). Luckily, if I do, the same antibiotic I'm on for the Cellulitus should cover it as well.

I feel like I'm falling apart. I can't function. I feel like throwing up. I'm getting bad chills, then too hot, then shaking uncontrollably. If my fever doesn't go down by tomorrow, they told me to call the on-call doctor for evaluation, and that I'd definitely have to come back in Monday. We're hoping the antibiotics kick in soon though, she said it may take 48 hours.

It's going to be a long weekend :(

Appointments and such-

2012-01-05T13:00:00.005-05:00

V- has his first appointment today. We'll see how that goes. I can't believe he's over a week old; I have no clue where the time has gone.

I don't even know what day it is half the time, I feel like I'm always half in/half out of the world- I'm sort of in my own little bubble right now. I am so behind on my blog reader, and I do apologize. I will get caught up one of these days :(

I have to go back to the OB's tomorrow to get checked out. We just want to make sure my incision isn't infected, due to the fever and it being a bit swollen/red/warm to the touch. It's probably fine, but I'd rather have it checked out just the same.

I think we've figured out the issue with breastfeeding. I seem to have an overactive letdown, so we're trying to work on that. We're giving pumped bottles a lot, and I don't want to set a trend, but right now it's just so much easier on my breasts and we aren't as frustrated. It's a continuing work in progress. I thought it might be challenging, so I was prepared for that, but I guess I didn't expect just how challenging it would be. Thank goodness for online forums and websites, because that breastfeeding 101 class I took was completely useless. I have the option to contact the lactation consultants at the hospital, and they have a free phone consultation line, so I may be hitting them up again sometime here soon if my changes don't work out. So far they seem to be helping though.

So far none of our siblings have came out to see the baby. Or even asked about it. FIL asked when we were going to stop out and see them so they could meet V-, and I was like "Ha, as if." Sorry, but I just had a c-section, I feel like total crap, I'm trying to establish breast feeding, and after they had their children we stopped out at all their houses to visit with them... soooo, if they can't spare the time to come out and visit us, that's their loss. Why would you seriously expect me to go out and visit all 4 of his siblings so they could meet our baby? I am baffled, honestly.

My sister is upset about not being able to visit, but she lives on the other side of the country and is unable to visit right now for a variety of reasons. She does keep up with me on the phone though, and through FB; she's rather enjoying all the photos I keep posting/sending her. Sometimes my sister and I don't get along, but I love her and sometimes I really miss her. We talked for a bit the other night how how it felt to finally bring him home alive, after such a long wait, and it's a feeling we both share. It was nice to be able to talk to her about everything.

I finally started filling out the baby book the other night. I had bought it at 24 weeks when we went out shopping to celebrate. I hadn't touched it since then though; I was too afraid too. Some of the questions were hard to answer, because we had to decide how we wanted to word things. We didn't want to glaze over the truth about how scared we were, and how tough things were, but we also didn't want it to be brutally honest. We have many truths to our stories, and depending on how we tell them... they're all true, but they can be interpreted differently I guess.

For instance, when it asked how we felt when we found out that we were pregnant... it asked about our first reaction. Honestly, the first thing I did was say, "Oh shit. Here we go again," because I was already spotting/starting to bleed and I'd already had three miscarriages. I was terrified, I wanted him so badly but I was so so scared of losing him. But I didn't want to put that in his baby book, I put something like, "We were excited but terrified. We'd tried for so long, and been through so much, that we were scared of losing you." Both statements are true, but obviously one sounds better in the context of a child's memory book. I don't think there's any right or wrong way to fill them out, but that's how we wanted to do things. We didn't want him to think it was all sadness and terror, because it wasn't (although they were prevailing emotions) but those emotions, everything we felt, all stemmed from how much we wanted him, and how much we loved him already- all the fear, the excitement, the anxiousness, the apprehension, and the joy, was because of our love for him. But it's hard to put that across in answers to one liner questions.

It also brought up a lot of memories and emotions. But it was good. I'm glad I've started working on it. I've found so much joy in finally filling out such a little book.

Frustrating, but hilarious-

2012-01-04T04:07:00.002-05:00

As we continue with our struggle to breast feed, V- has decided to be picky about when he'll take it. The middle of the night? Usually no issues just giving him the breast. During the day? He prefers I pump and give him a bottle. Now that I'm healing a bit, so it hurts less to nurse, I'm trying to give him the breast all the time. He is so not having it. I do not understand how he can take it with so little fuss at times, but at other times throw a giant fit. I mean, hysterics, flailing his arms, wailing, grabbing at me when I try to get it near him, blocking it from going in his mouth, smacking it away, full blown tantrum. He gets hungry and frustrated, I get that. But he knows that there's food in there... I'm guessing he's just too lazy to want it from there when he's like that, since he knows he can get it from the bottle so much easier. Just a guess, since I'm obviously new to this.

Well, tonight he did not want the breast. Again. But I tried diligently to get him to take it... apparently I really needed to empty them because I accidentally started squirting milk everywhere when I tried to aim it at his mouth. So milk was flying through the air an inch from his face, a couple of times it flew straight into his mouth... the tantrum continued. I proceeded to leek milk all over the bed, and on the other side I leaked through my breast pad and all down the entire front of my nursing tank. Awesome. That's all I've got to say. There was milk everywhere, all over both of us. And he still didn't want to take the breast, even though he was showing all the signs of being hungry, it was time to feed again, and he was rooting like crazy. He eventually took it... but man, what a mess!!!

Meanwhile I had a slight fever, so we were combating that. I was not feeling good, and was trying to keep an eye on things because due to the c-section if I have a fever of 101 or higher I need to see a doctor, but my temperature stayed at 100.5 and it's normal now... so I don't know what was going on, but I was NOT feeling well. I'm going to keep taking my temperature, but hopefully it was just a fluke thing?

Baby boy has his first appointment on Thursday, I'm anxious for that. I worry about him eating enough, since we're struggling with breast feeding and pumping. Speaking of which, I should probably get off here to pump again. V-'s fussing in his bassinet, he was fighting sleep but now he's got the hiccups... poor little guy. He's never going to go to sleep at this rate. And neither will I, now that I think of it :/

Still... I wouldn't trade this for the world.

So much to take in-

2011-12-31T16:16:00.009-05:00

***Umm... forewarning, this post may be disjointed; I had to save it and come back several times. There's just so much going on around here.***

I totally didn't even realize that today was New Years Eve. How did this happen? This year has been trying, things haven't been easy, but it sure ended on such a wonderful note.

We came home yesterday, against recommendations. They wanted to keep us one more day, but I honestly just could not do it. I could write a novel about how horrible my hospital experience was, site specific instances, and I might when I complain about it to them... but right now, I don't have the energy. Let me just say my stay was nothing like they told me it would be when we took the maternity tour several months ago. Nothing at all. I had two nurses that were awesome, and my stay might have been a lot better if I'd had them the entire time... but unfortunately, my stints with them were far too brief.

So we came home, and it was time to feed V- again. We immediately had frustrations trying to do so. He took the breast, but he took it too aggressively and it hurt badly because he wasn't latching properly. I tried pumping and nothing came out. Finally between exhaustion, frustration, and physically feeling like crap I gave him another bottle of formula. And I don't regret it at all. After that, we all got a solid 3 hours of sleep for the first time since he was born. When we woke up, we were ready to tackle things fresh... still exhausted, but we are on our way to recovering from the sleep deprivation. I realize full well that sleeping with a baby isn't going to be like before, but it's going to be a hell of a lot better than the every hour interruption from the hospital staff! And so far, it's been heaven.

Sleeping for longer has done us all a lot of good. I feel more up to the challenge of feeding him, V- feels more up to the challenge of my low supply, and A- just feels better. We were having a lot of issues with breastfeeding, especially since my milk hadn't came in yet. V- would wake up aggressively hungry, and he'd take the breast with an overenthusiastic passion- hurting me a lot. Then he'd get frustrated; either because he wasn't getting as much milk as he wanted, or because I had to keep fixing his latch because in his enthusiasm he'd latch improperly. I really just couldn't take it anymore, he broke open both my nipples and my milk still hadn't came in. We supplemented a little bit of formula for one feeding during the night so that we could all be ready for the next day.

I'm hoping we won't have to tonight though. I woke up this morning and I'm starting to get engorged. I've been using warm compresses on my chest, then pumping, giving him what I pump, then offering him the breasts after that. It's helped him to take the breasts, rather than attack them. Once my supply comes in better, and my nipples hurt less, we'll try skipping pumping beforehand and see how he does for straight breast- but for now, this works for us. We're making progress. Yesterday I was only able to pump about 5-10ml from both breasts combined, but today I got 20-50ml from them combined. Not bad at all! V- is much more content now. Hopefully things will keep progressing; maybe in the next day or two we can do just breast and no expressed breast milk beforehand. If not, I'll just have to try pumping exclusively. I'm just going to worry about one thing at a time though- for now, we're working on pumping/healing.

He really is amazing. I can not get over that. It still doesn't feel real that he was inside me. I look at my deflating belly, and I look at him, and it just seems impossible. I keep thinking we're going to wake up, and find out that it's all been a dream. I tried imagining what this would be like so many times, but I never could have imagined just how perfect he would be. I watch him sleeping, and I can not get over how utterly perfect he is... I'm sure I've said it before, but I am so in love with him. When we have cuddle time, I just hold him on my chest until he's fast asleep, breathing him in and rubbing his soft hair. I wouldn't ever put him back in the bassinet if I could get away with it.

Physically, I am beat. I'm so tired that I almost pass out when I'm sitting up, standing, in the middle of doing something, and especially when pumping. My back hurts really bad; whether that's from the epidural, back labor, or being restricted on my activities... who knows. My incision area is sore and getting up/down hurts so bad. Thank goodness for pain medication! Which doesn't always do a lot of good, but it's at least taking the edge off things. Recovering from the c-section is going to be rough, it already is. It makes taking care of the baby that much more complicated, because it's so hard to get up when he cries, to feed him, to change him even... every little movement is hard. I'm hoping that in the coming days I'll start to feel a lot better. As of right now, I'm taking the highest dose of my pain killers allowed- and I guess we'll keep taking it day by day.

I guess I should wrap this up, V- is fussing again! If I save it and come back again, it may end up as a novel instead of a blog post; so I'm calling it a night.

I hope everyone has a safe and happy New Year. May 2012 bring you happiness!

Stats-

2011-12-30T00:10:00.007-05:00

For those that asked- he was 8lbs 13oz and 19.75in long. Soooo... he was pretty big.

We named him V.inc.ent- it means, "conquering" or "victorious". We'd picked it out all the way back during our NT scan, since no matter what happened he deserved a name. It was a strong name... a hopeful name.

We're still working on breastfeeding. His latch is improving a lot, and I'm getting more milk out. Obviously not a copious amount since my milk hasn't "came in" yet... but enough for him to get a fill of it, I guess. We are supplementing when he gets really hungry... it doesn't seem to hurt our progress much, he still prefers the breast, roots towards me obsessively, and makes really grossed out faces when we give him formula. (eta: we are working with lactation consultants, running everything by them and taking their advice)

I'll be glad when we leave the hospital. They keep interrupting our bonding/breastfeeding time to take the baby for a check, or to check my vitals... or housekeeping knocks, the food service people, the photography people, you name it they'll show up just when I'm in the middle of something. Just tonight for instance, new nurse taking over came with old nurse so she could brief her on everyone's situation... comes in while I'm trying to breastfeed. New nurse then comes in while we're having skin on skin bonding time, V- had fallen asleep on me... I was loving it, and instead of putting him back in the crib I let him stay there... yeah, she needed to check my surgical site and take the baby to be weighed. Seriously? You can't do that at another time? Really. making. me. angry. This hospital is supposed to be very pro-breastfeeding, and I'm finding it to be not at all as advertised.

And I've got to go now, V- just woke up :) How I love him, even when he's wailing. His cry is so cute.

What a day-

2011-12-28T21:46:00.007-05:00

I'm still very exhausted, but since I have some time alone while my beautiful baby boy gets his physical, I thought I'd try to start the story of us. It's a crazy whirlwind, and it took us all by surprise.

At 7am Tuesday morning I woke up because I had to use the bathroom. Nothing new there, especially being 40 weeks and 3 days pregnant! However, I noticed that when I stood up I was still leaking like a faulty faucet. Not a gush, nothing major, just a couple drops here and there. I couldn't figure out if I was wetting myself or leaking amniotic fluid, so I decided to try using the bathroom again. I still had urine left, so I was still confused... so, feeling icky I took a shower. I was still leaking. Still puzzled over what was literally just a couple drops every so often, I put on a pad and crawled back in bed.

I instantly started having what I thought were strong braxton hicks contractions. After three very close in time, I decided to get up. They got more intense, and I quickly began to think they were contractions. So, I started timing them. Sure enough, they were getting stronger and stronger, and only 4 minutes apart. Within 10 minutes, they were 3 minutes apart and a hell of a lot stronger. By 7:40ish, they were 3 minutes apart, super painful, and I was starting to think I really was leaking amniotic fluid. Given how quickly things were happening, I woke up my husband and told him that I thought I might be in labor. By 8am, they were 2 minutes apart.

I was still doubtful, because my OB has told me I would have plenty of time to discern if it was labor or not, and getting to strong contractions 4 minutes apart would take hours... not one hour like I had experienced. But I was in a hell of a lot of pain, it felt just like when I used Cytotec to induce my second miscarriage. We called the oncall doctor, but since the hospital was an hour away we went ahead and left.

The drive there was hard. I kept having strong contractions in the car, which brought difficult back pain with them and intense vaginal pressure. I would be fine, and then I'd be squirming and panting really bad. I'm sure that was an interesting for all the other drivers we passed.

When we got to the hospital they took their sweet time in triage. I don't believe they were taking me seriously at all, I was only 2cm and 100% effaced. Then they checked me to see if I was leaking amniotic fluid. Which I was. And so they had no choice but to keep us.

So I labored from 7am until like 5pm with no pain medication. My contractions were so intense, and so close together, but I wasn't really dilating. They could see him in the birth canal, he was molding, but I just was not dilating. They thought it was possibly a contraction strength issue, so they switched me to internal monitors to check contraction strength and the baby's heart beat. My contractions were 2 minutes apart, but irregular- some lead right into the next one without a break. Also, the strength was literally off the charts. Definitely not a contraction issue.

The nurses/residents/doctor's kept acting like this was crazy, how it's like I was on Pitocin- then baby's heart beat started decelling really bad during the contractions and when I moved. They said if I was on Pitocin they would have stopped it because of how crazy the contractions were, but since my contractions were just naturally insane they really couldn't do anything. I was toughing it out so well, until the contractions started leading into another without a break. So I got an epidural, and the contractions did not lessen one bit... yet hours later, I was still not progressing. I was at 3cm for hours, then 4cm for hours, and then 5cm for hours and hours. No progress, and his heart decelerations were getting increasingly worse.

Finally, we all decided it would be in his and my best interest to proceed with a c-section. At 6:30 we agreed, at 6:56pm he was born :) No regrets.

We're trying to breastfeed, but having some issues. I saw a lactation consultant today, and we'll see them everyday until we're released. So we're working on it. We're adjusting to things, trying to manage my pain, and beginning to heal. How things went down took us all by surprise, but he's here now and I am so in love <3

Preview- will post details later!

2011-12-28T01:04:00.002-05:00

Nombie finally arrived on 12/27/11, at 6:56pm! The day before my induction, of course. I am EXHAUSTED, so I won't post the details right now... maybe when I get a chance tomorrow. For now, enjoy my little cutie :)

The holiday-

2011-12-25T12:08:00.008-05:00

I got several texts first thing this morning that basically said, "Merry Christmas! Did you have the baby yet?" Oh joy, hahaha!

No. I have not had the baby yet. I wish! Officially one day past due, but I'm not stressing it too much. I would just really like him to get here before our scheduled induction is all. Whew.

So, even though the baby isn't here we still got him presents. Just one each, for the other to open. My husband bought the CUTEST stuffed owl- I love it! It matches the nursery, and it's just adorable! I bought a onsie for him to open, it says "Level 1 Human"- ha! Awesomeness.

We got the cats canned cat food, and the dogs the same, as we do every year. We can't buy the dogs treats because the veterinarian told us not to anymore (they're senior and have sensitive bellies), but the cats got some of those too. We don't buy the dogs toys or anything because they don't play with toys either... they really just lay around and sleep these days (they are like 13 and 15). I would normally buy the cats some kind of toy, or a new scratching post, but we didn't this year. Which was just as well, they had fun with the wrapping paper anyway:

Cats are an awful lot like children. Who cares about toys when you have a box full of noisy paper?

Now, I'm going to have a relaxing day at home. I am exhausted and just generally sore. Hope everyone has a good day today :)

40 weeks!

2011-12-24T12:05:00.003-05:00

Since we already finished our holiday rounds, we're planning on a quiet weekend at home. We do have gifts to exchange, and we each bought one present for the baby that we thought the other one would like, for the other one to open. I can't wait to see what my husband got; I'm so curious. He also bought me some mystery present, and for the first time in awhile I am completely clueless about what he got me. I'm sure he's probably already figured out what I got him... but he swears he hasn't. We'll see! The present for him to open for the baby, and his own, are both VERY geektastic. I hope he likes them.

Of course, we're still waiting on our big present! I can't believe today is our estimated due date. He's still baking, but hopefully not for much longer. I am very happy to have made it this far though, and Nombie keeps reminding me that he's alive and well with little squirms... thank goodness. He's definitely running out of room in there- all the more reason for him to come out already! He does have quiet days though, and it scares the crap out of me when that happens.

Anyway, so the wait continues. I'm not really expecting anything to happen this weekend, but it would really be nice. I am so ready for this baby. I know people keep saying, "Oh just you wait, right now you have it easy." And making comments about how it's so much easier to take care of a baby in the womb, and how I should enjoy things now... I have news for them, because seriously, I've been waiting over 4 years for this... I am done "enjoying" the "calm" life without a baby. Fah. I just want to hold this baby in my arms, and I want to hear him cry; I want to kiss him and tell him how much I love him. I'm aware that it's not all sunshine and rainbows, but I have news for the people saying these things to me... life without children is NOT all sunshine and rainbows either.

In a completely unrelated rant- my mother and mother-in-law have gotten upset that they won't be in the room with me when I give birth. Okay, first of all, why would you assume I'd let you in there anyway? I'm going to be exposed and naked, and besides... this is a serious medical undertaking, not some circus side show exhibit. Second of all, my hospital's policy says that only my birth partner can be in there (and I'm very happy with this policy!). Also, when I'm in pain I like to be left alone- people ANNOY and STRESS me out. After my surgeries, I only wanted my husband with me. After my miscarriages, the same damn thing. And lastly, after everything I've been through to conceive this child, as alone as I've been with my miscarriages and the complications with this pregnancy, you better believe the only person who's going to support me during labor is the only person who's truly supported me through all of this- my husband! And seriously, after how involved our conception was- with all the doctors, the surgeries, the IUIs, the ultrasounds, bleeding, and injections- I personally think it's only right that the person who's seen it all with me, be the only one to see it all through to the end. My husband and I struggled so hard for this with little to no support- and no matter what happens, we're going to get through this the same way we always have: holding hands, just the two of us, together.

Still waiting...

2011-12-21T12:47:00.002-05:00

Nombie is still baking. Today's appointment wasn't the most inspiring. I'm sitting at 1 centimeter dilated, and this time she said I was 50% effaced. Yeah, last time she said 80%... which is right? Who knows. Our estimated due date is in 3 days, and I'm still not feeling contractions or anything. Things feel very... stagnated.

You know, for how hard my body tried to get rid of the pregnancy in the beginning, it sure isn't trying to do anything now. It's quite the reversal.

One good thing did come out of our appointment: we have an end in sight. If he isn't here by 12/28, then we're going to start the induction process. So that means, at the latest, we only have one week left. 12/28 will put us at 40w+4d, which makes me happy; not too late, but not too early. Right now, 1cm and everything, conditions aren't favorable for an induction. She told me to be prepared in case it takes awhile, and of course it could end up as a c-section. Both scenarios I'm fine with, I just want the baby to be okay.

I know inductions aren't ideal, and we still hope that my body decides to get things moving on it's own, but in the event it doesn't... I want to do what I think is best for the baby. And for me, not waiting too long is important. I feel very relieved having a plan now, just in case.

Oh, and I gained 5lbs in the last week :/ I blame the holiday baking. I mean, I had to taste everything to make sure it was right.

I probably didn't need to taste test so much of it though. Yum.

And-

2011-12-19T14:16:00.005-05:00

All I did was wear myself out. Hahaha. I knew it.

My back is hurting less. It's in the same spot where I have issues with my spinal inflammation on the lower spine. I'm used to it... but it sucks. Hopefully it'll correct itself soon... until then, trying not to make it more angry.

We got all the holiday baking done, and I passed out all the holiday goodies. I've almost got all the presents distributed for the nieces/nephews, so that's a weight off my shoulders. When we went to FIL's, he wasn't home. But his wife was, step-MIL... who had to sneak in a comment about how FIL ended up with only grandsons so far, and how her niece is pregnant with a girl... okay then, insert awkward pause where we ignored her comment, and then she changed the subject (see past comments from step-MIL here).

Everyone kept saying how I must be so done with everything, and ready to have the baby since when they were at the end of their pregnancy they were so done with it themselves... and yes, I am ready to meet this baby, but not for the same reasons they were. I didn't explain to them about my sister or anything, I just kind of avoided the subject and said "Yeah, we're ready. We just don't want him to go overdue." And of course, without a proper explanation, they assume that it's for the same reasons that most people don't want to go overdue. Which isn't an invalid reason, but for me there is just so much more to it than that. I didn't bother explaining though, because I know that they wouldn't truly understand even if I had. They don't understand anything about our situation... for example, I've had to explain the need for blood thinners to my MIL several times, but she was still worried about the blood thinners hurting the baby... you know, after I told her about my sister, my losses, and how the blood thinners have possibly saved Nombie's life. My side of the family, there's no question of understanding it; my sister is scared about my OB letting me go too long, my mom is nervous... we know what can happen, and not one of us wants me to go overdue.

My mouth still hurts from my cavity filling. Ugh. It was a lot more extensive than my normal fillings, so I know that's why... but it hurts. I think it might be a little less sore today, but not anywhere near being 100% better yet. So that's frustrating.

39w+2d today... 5 more days until our EDD.

I hope Nombie comes soon. I go back Wednesday to see my OB, and I'm getting ready to put up one hell of a fight about a possible induction date... but I'd rather not have to, just the same. The longer I go, the more stressed out I'm getting about this though.

Oh dear-

2011-12-16T13:20:00.006-05:00

So, tomorrow is 39 weeks. Eek.

Yesterday, I thought it would be a great idea to hit the superstore up to finish shopping for our nieces/nephews, plus we needed baking supplies for goodie boxes, and some groceries too.

Yeah, that probably wasn't my brightest idea.

I have issues with my back, I think mostly because I have fairly bad scoliosis and partly from some other undiagnosed reason (long story, but I have some issues with spinal nerve inflammation). So I went shopping, and now my back is acting up really bad. I've taken Ty.len.ol, soaked in the tub, and I'm just trying to take it easy... but man, it HURTS.

Also, fighting your way through holiday shoppers while 9 months pregnant? Hahaha. What was I thinking? Oh, I remember, I figured, "Hey, it's Thursday night and going this weekend would be STUPID. So I'll just get it done today, there should be less shoppers..." and maybe there were, but honestly that didn't make a huge difference, because there was still A LOT of them out in force.

Also, I wish that stupid store had more places throughout where I could have sat down to take a quick break from standing. OMG, seriously. There was the shoe department, but it was out of the way and I was not going to fight my way through people to sit down for a minute. I just wanted to get the shopping over with!

Okay, so maybe I was trying to tempt the universe a little. I was like, "Hey, this baby needs to come out. So if I make plans and such, the universe is bound to mock me and make me go into labor. Plus all that walking can't hurt progression, right?"

So I went shopping, I went to the dentist this morning to get my cavity filled, then I made plans to bake goodies tonight, I decided to do holiday rounds tomorrow since we don't know if we can go them next weekend, and... yeah. I think all I'm going to do is wear myself out!

I did get all 10 nieces/nephews presents taken care of though. And I have stuff for baking goodies... I really want to make fudge... yum. Also, my tooth will hopefully not hurt so much now; I actually probably saved it, the cavity was really deep and I lost pretty much the entire corner of that tooth. Ugh. Soooo, I have accomplished something at least.

I really wish my mouth was less numb right now... I really want to eat lunch. Yes, that was totally random.

Ow ow ow ow-

2011-12-14T12:26:00.002-05:00

My tooth hurts. Like so much, that it hurt going to bed, then I dreamed that my tooth hurt. And when I woke up... you guessed it, the stupid thing still hurt. Looks like I need to go back to the dentist. Ugh.

In other news, I had an appointment today with my OB. I'm 38 weeks + 4 days today... and Nombie seems perfectly content to just chill out in my uterus. There was some small progress: I'm now somewhere between a fingertip and a centimeter dilated, and about 80% effaced. So I guess that's something?

We talked more about the possibility of induction, should I go overdue. My OB was talking about starting induction on January 1st, if I haven't delivered by then. Which would mean I'd have the baby around January 2nd.

I'm not cool with this for several reasons.

For starters, the serious: I DO NOT want to go over 41 weeks! January 2nd would be 41 weeks + 2 days. I know that it's just a couple days past 41 weeks, but I don't even want to go to 41 weeks. I've said it before, and I'll say it again... going overdue SCARES me. My sister lost her baby between 41 weeks and 42 weeks, and I KNOW I'm on blood thinners, while she wasn't... but that does not reassure my fears. It still scares the bejeezus out of me, and I just DO NOT want to worry about that. I just want this baby out alive and well. He's alive today, but there are no guarantees for tomorrows... I just feel like the longer we wait, the more risk for disaster.

Secondly, the frivolous: my insurance deductible starts over on January 1st... (*sigh*) My co-pay is already ridiculously high, but if I have to meet my deducible all over again? It's going to be outrageous. In the grand scheme of things, I could live with that though. I just want a healthy baby... but it would be hard, since we're still trying to recover financially from my bed rest and all these medical expenses (plus, now I'm unemployed so that won't help things). I realize how frivolous this is, and I remind myself of this all the time. So, while this would suck... I know that it would be okay. Money is just money... it'd be hard, but we'd survive.

Lastly, the less serious but possibly somewhat frivolous: My OB keeps scaring me by talking about how Nombie might be a very BIG baby, based on my growth ultrasound at 34wks as well as my fundal height. I know that is not an exact science, but she keeps talking about how he's going to be large, and how he could get stuck, and they need to know he's big in case they try to vacuum assist getting him out, and so on and so on... and I'm like, holy crap, the longer he stays in, the bigger he could get. Which means more risks and such... another reason to be scared about going overdue I guess.

She did mention the possibility of inducing on the 25th, and I'd have him on the 26th; but she's not keen on that idea at all, since I'd only be a couple days overdue. I like that plan much better. She, however, sites that the longer we wait the more chance my body could go on it's own. Also, the longer we wait, the more favorable conditions would be for an induction anyway. I can see her point... but seriously... I just want the baby out, alive and well. I don't care about how he gets here, I just want him to live.

We both hope all this talk is for nothing, and he comes on his own very soon. I feel very discouraged though; I just feel like he's not going to come out in a timely manner. I know that's not logical, but that's what I feel.

So, please send some labor progression vibes my way if you could. I'm going to give my body a pep talk, and then do some deep cleaning around the house... if I find the energy. I'm pretty exhausted lately, so anything more intense than the dishes seems to have taken the back burner on my priority list this week. But I will find the motivation to vacuum, I swear I will...

Another week-

2011-12-09T13:24:00.004-05:00

We has our 38 week appointment today. Fundal height was still measuring a few weeks ahead, still not much progress. She did say I was like a finger tip dilated now, but basically no change at all. The internal caused some bleeding and cramping, so that's uncomfortable. Nombie wasn't moving much yesterday or today, so she sent me for a non-stress test. He wasn't moving much, so they startled him awake with a loud buzzer thing, which made him JUMP. After that he moved some more for the test, and then proceeded to get violent hiccups. All checked out okay in the end though, so that was good.

I'm really starting to think this baby is not coming until his EDD or later... I keep telling him he can come a few days early, or you know, a week... but I don't think he's listening. I am just so anxious to get him out here alive and well.

Due to scheduling conflicts I go back on Wednesday, instead of Friday, for my 39 week appointment. Hoping for more progress by then.
_________________________________________

I haven't posted about this yet, but I got some bad news the other day. If you remember, my step sister was matched with a birth mother. I was so excited for her. The birth mother was due mid-November, went a bit overdue... well in the end, after delivery, the birth mother decided to parent the child after all. I am just devastated for my step sister. Right around Thanksgiving on top of everything. She has a wonderful attitude about it, but she's still heart broken and my thoughts are with her. I'm letting her decide when/if she can talk to me, because right now she doesn't want to talk about it and I know me being pregnant may be hard for her. But, it's so difficult to see her struggle so much, to get the nursery ready, how excited they were, and now they're back to waiting... I know that there is a baby out there for them, and it's just a matter of time, but I also know that's of little consequence when you're hurting like that. It's just so unfair.

Another friend of mine online lost a child a few months ago. Their daughter was born at 24 weeks, and lived for 3 days. This was their second loss due to preterm labor. They asked people to do a good deed this year in their children's memory, then send them a Christmas card about it, so that on Christmas morning they can open those cards so it will bring them a little joy this holiday. I think it's a wonderful idea, and I can only hope it brings them some comfort.

So many more women I know are struggling with loss anniversaries, another year with empty arms, watching family and friend's lives go on while it feels like theirs is on standstill.

The holidays are hard for so many people, and I know I've had my hardships over the years. I've had 4 winter seasons of sorrow, between infertility and my miscarriages... this season I am so grateful to be where I am. I know that things could still take a turn for the worse, but at this moment things are wonderful. For that, I am thankful. Even so, I don't forget, not for one moment, the struggle that so many are facing this holiday season. My thoughts are with so many, and I can only wish them the strength to get through this. Be kind to yourselves, no matter where you are or what you're going through.

36 weeks +6 days

2011-12-02T18:22:00.014-05:00

So, tomorrow is 37 weeks! Very awesome.

I had my weekly appointment today, and the baby's heart rate was good. He was very active too. I'm still not dilated at all, although she did say that it seemed "softer"... but not much progress there, regardless. My fundal height is already measuring 39 weeks now, so still about 2 weeks ahead. I didn't gain any weight at my last appointment, and at this one I'd actually lost a pound. So staying steady there now, which is weird considering how much it sky rocketed the last couple months. But that's good, just the same. Holding at around 20lbs total gain at this point.

I'm also starting to get worried about going overdue. I just have a lot of anxiety about it, that a lot of people just don't understand. It's not about "being done with being pregnant" or anything like that; I worry every day that he stays in me could be his last. I worry about losing my baby, like my sister lost my niece. I know my clotting disorder is being treated now, and hers wasn't at the time... but the fear is there, all the same. The closer we get to the estimated due date, the more I hope he comes just a little early. It's one thing to know the odds, and another to have someone be in those odds or to go through the trauma firsthand. I thought my niece was coming home, and then she didn't... I mean, she was past due, it seemed like such a done deal. I know Nombie is alive today... but what about tomorrow? I don't expect a lot of people to understand, and I know it's a bit irrational, but I can't help it... this is the reality I know.

I am hopeful that he will come home alive though. I am making preparations, putting the final touches on things, and savoring the moment. This month is going to be hard, waiting to see what happens. I'm so glad I'm done with work, so I can just focus on getting through this. I mean, it's not just the worry about going overdue... there's also the worry about labor itself, the weather, when exactly he's going to come... I'm just generally anxious.

I've been working on cleaning the house up and trying to get things ready. Busying myself. I still have quite a bit to do... (*cough-like the car seat installation/inspection-cough*). I keep telling my husband we need to get on that, but we are slacking. Hopefully we'll get to it this coming week? It feels like we still have forever, even though in reality he should be here this month... there are only 3 weeks left until our estimated due date.

As promised, I thought I'd share some nursery in progress photographs. I suck at posting them with text on Blogger... so this may be a mess. Sorry! Also, the shots/angles aren't very good since the room is small/awkward. The first one is the dresser and such, I have a DYI maternity photo of myself and A- on it, as well as three cardinals I bought... I had to represent the babies we lost too. There's a metal tree on it, with picture frames for a family tree. I bought that a long time ago for when we had kids... before infertility. It's sat hidden away for so long.

The photos on the wall I found online and printed off of some old vintage birds. I had some old frames around the house, so we just spray painted them to match the room. I did put a quote on the far left one, it says, " 'Success is not final, failure is not fatal, it is the courage to continue that counts.' - Winston Churchill."

The second photo is the crib... with stuff in it that won't stay in there when the baby sleeps in it, but I thought was cute for now. I already had all those C.are Be.ars. One of them is even from when I was a baby. The bassinets aren't staying in there, one is going in our bedroom and the other downstairs in our living room- I'm just keeping them in the nursery until we need them. So just picture the room without all that chaos.

The final photo is the glider and changing table. As I said, the room is small/awkward, so that's the best I could do to get that wall. The glider was refurbished; we sanded it down and spray painted it brown. The changing table came from my cousin. I'm also storing our holiday shopping in there, so ignore that mess too (I feel like I'm saying that a lot!).

We got a lot of stuff as hand me downs, bought used, or were given to use and refurbished. I think we only bought a couple of things new, like the dresser and the crib. Which helped out so much, given the financial situation that our SCH had sent us into. I'm very happy with how everything has came together too. After I pidddle around in there setting things up, I like to sit in the rocker and just look at it all. It makes me happy.

Plus, I sort of have to sit down because doing the simplest things make me tired and sore these days haha.

Oh, and a belly/tree shot :)

When I see this one, I just keep thinking, "I'm averting my eyes, oh lord!" hahaha. Thanks Mo.nty P.ython.

36 weeks!

2011-11-27T00:08:00.003-05:00

I figured I'd share a different angle of belly shot for once. I didn't realize how much it really stuck out there until I took this tonight!

And an explanation for the photo... yeah, I wish someone would tell me how this happens. I sat down to get on my laptop and got lap cats instead. One of the many mysteries of the universe I guess. If they weren't all cute and furry...

We got the holiday decorations up yesterday, and they are lovely! Then today we spent assembling the dresser for the nursery. And then rearranging in there a little, and hanging pictures. Tomorrow we'll start washing the clothes so I can put them away. I'll try to post some more completed photos afterward. But I have to say, it's still a big ole' mess in there. Complete chaos. I'm slowly working at it, but I am starting to think that I won't be getting anywhere anytime soon.

Also, I may be nesting... I can't seem to just chill and relax. I feel like my to-do list keeps growing. We still have so much to do.

I did my first Heparin shot tonight, it wasn't too bad. I think it might bruise though. But the cost was amazing, it was so much cheaper than my Lovenox; it saved us like $100 this month. But it's just for a month... or however long until I have the baby. Which will hopefully be in a little less than a month.

Yikes.

Quick update:

2011-11-23T16:35:00.005-05:00

Today's appointment was non-eventful, so I can't complain.

35 weeks and 4 days: My fundal height is still measuring a week or two ahead, baby is still good, he has not dropped or engaged yet, and my cervix is closed up tight. In this past month my weight gain has slowed down dramatically; I didn't gain anything in the last two weeks, and last time I only gained a pound. My blood pressure was a little high, but no protein in my urine so they're not worried about it. I had my group B-strep swab done, and I'll get those results back in a week. I start Heparin on Saturday.

I go back December 2nd for my 37wk appointment.

Tonight is my last day of work. I'm going to miss the shelter, but I am so ready to just stay home and relax. It's going to be so weird to leave my binder behind and say my good byes. I've been there for over 3 years now. Initially I applied for the position because we needed the extra income for fertility treatments, but I did really care about what the shelter did and stood for too. The shift flexibility was a major bonus as well, and I stayed there even after I graduated college. It was just a good fit. But now that I should be having a baby in the next month, it was no longer going to be a good fit for us. It's scary to be unemployed again, but I think it was the right choice.

After I leave there in the morning, I'll be getting a nap... then heading to the in-law's for Thanksgiving. Hopefully we won't stay long, because I am going to need to come back home and sleep. Besides, the tension there always unnerves me.

Friday will be a new day, and I'll be welcoming it with holiday films while we deck our halls and trim our tree. I think that will really bring everything home for me- we're getting so close to our estimated due date. One month from tomorrow. I'm getting so anxious.

Almost 35/35

2011-11-18T10:48:00.004-05:00

Tomorrow I'll be 35 weeks pregnant, with 35 more days until our estimated due date. How crazy is that?

We have a lot of stuff still left to do, like the nursery... umm, I think we'll get to it eventually? We plan on buying the crib mattress tomorrow, so we'll at least get the crib together real soon. And the dresser, still need that. Honestly, I think I'm slacking so much because of the lack of furniture. I mean, everything is in there... just not organized or set up. So much chaos. Need places to put things. Ack.

I also have to think about getting a hospital bag together, and the car seat installed/inspected. We're working on the latter. I told my husband I'd like it done by next week, because we just need to get it over with. As for the bag, I know what I want in it... so we just have to scrounge that all together. Not a huge deal.

I had to get a cavity filled yesterday... that was fun. I really don't mind going to the dentist, or getting work done, it's just the finances that kill me. Hopefully one day we'll get dental insurance, but for now we're self pay... and that can get pretty expensive. I was really dragging my feet about it, but that cavity was seriously bothering me. I hope I can get back to eating normal now.

Next week is SUPER busy. I have to switch my phone provider, have a prenatal appointment with an internal exam, working, quitting (yup, finally made the decision to not return), then Thanksgiving (with the in-laws... I'm going to need strength to get through it), switching to Heparin, and putting up holiday decorations! I can't wait for next weekend, things will finally wind down a bit and I can just relax and catch up on sleep.

God, I miss sleep.

My mom is causing all sorts of stress and drama for me: some stemming from my brother and his girlfriend, and some from her compulsive lying. Needless to say I am avoiding her/them like the devil right now. So much drama that it hurts... ugh.

Otherwise, things seem to be going alright here. I am super excited about being 35 weeks tomorrow. Who am I kidding, I get super excited every Saturday when another week begins! So there's always that. Nombie hasn't been moving a lot, but at least I can usually get him dancing when I have candy or orange juice. I think he tried to change positions the other day, I felt his head or butt poking out my side... and I was like, "NOOO, you stay head down!" He moved it shortly after, but I don't know where to. I know they can change positions a lot up until delivery, but once he's in a position he usually stays there for a long time. I worry that he'll flip and stay in an awkward position. Guess we'll see. Really, as long as he's healthy and alive it doesn't matter though- one way or another we'll get him out.

14wks vs 34wks

2011-11-12T17:08:00.008-05:00

14 Weeks:

34 weeks:

Braaiiinnnsssss-

2011-11-11T22:40:00.007-05:00

I slept for 2 hours last night. Not for lack of exhaustion and trying, but this insomnia is a PAIN. Even when I take an over the counter sleep aide, I still only sleep 4 hours maximum before I'm back up and unable to sleep again. When I sleep on my own, it's more like 2 hours... if I'm lucky... and I always wake up during my REM sleep stage. Not cool. My OB prescribed me some sleeping pills to take on the weekend to help me get through this lull, because seriously I am not functioning like this. Physically it's just brutal. I'm so tired all the time, and I have plenty of time to rest, but I just can not sleep to save my life. Ugh.

Our 34 week appointment this morning went well. Up until last appointment my fundal height had been measuring spot on for how many weeks I am, then suddenly it's jumped up ahead a few weeks. I was measuring around 36 weeks today I guess. My OB wanted me to get a growth ultrasound and check positioning (since he's favored breech/transverse this whole time). He's head down (hopefully staying there too), has lots of hair, and was practicing breathing (which was neat looking). When she measured his head/abdomen the GA calculator (for average age/size) showed he was measuring around 37-38wks already. She estimated his weight at 6lbs and 4oz, + or - a pound. He has been measuring a little beefy, even on other machines... so I don't know. Either way you look at it though, he is a bit big for only 34wks. My OB said he's around the 85-90th percentile right now. She said that it's nothing to be alarmed about yet, and they don't want to plan on inducing early due to his size at the moment, but she definitely wants to keep an eye on it. I really don't mind the idea of being induced early, to be honest. I'm worried about my anti-coagulant dosing, the weather, the timing, and lots of other little things... but whatever happens, happens.

I go back the day before Thanksgiving for my 36wk appointment (I'll actually be 35wks and 4 days then I think- have to go in early or late because of the holiday weekend) and we'll start the internal exams, as well as switching to Heparin that weekend.

We went to our breastfeeding class tonight, it was somewhat informative but rather redundant and repetitive. Way too many nipple photos/videos for me. Sorry, but a single photo or two to get an understanding of what she was talking about would have been more than enough. But then she had to show a video that was like 10 minutes long about signs/cues/latches and it was like several minute clips of basically the exact same footage... I think a single clip of each would have been sufficient. Then there were more photos of the things she already covered. I think the class could have been called "nipples for dummies." I wanted a class more geared towards basics of breastfeeding, issues that might arise, but this was just... really dumbed down. I know it was a "basics" class, but it felt like it was more of a "for those who've never heard of breastfeeding." If that makes sense.

It probably didn't help that I was about to pass out the entire session. So. tired. As I said, I had two hours of sleep last night, and then after our appointment I took a 4 hour nap but that obviously isn't enough. Can not function. And these braxton hicks contractions have increased the last few days (which is really uncomfortable), my heartburn is running wild, I feel like I'm going to throw up, my jaw/teeth hurt, and I have a migraine from hell. Sorry, I feel like total and utter crap right now. I think I'm just going to go ahead to bed. Ugh.

Huh-

2011-11-03T02:13:00.008-04:00

I just realized that we're due next month... granted it's towards the end of the month, but it's still next month. I tried saying that outloud, but it sounded like a lie. I still don't feel pregnant, I mean I have my moments (braxton hicks contractions, movement, discomforts etc...) but it still feels unreal.

We have a baby class tonight; mostly for my husband's benefit because I want to laugh everytime he says, "How hard can it be?" and then he's all surprised when I tell him things. He doesn't have experience with infants, so I don't see the harm in taking a class; it certainly can't hurt.

Then next week we have our 34wk appointment and a breast feeding class.

And... the weekend of Thanksgiving we'll be 36wks, starting weekly appointments, internal exams, switching to Heparin, and going on maternity (or permanent) leave... and, that's in like 3 weeks now? Seriously?

I think things are really starting to sink in now.

I'm still scared of things going wrong, but I'm trying to enjoy this moment. I've made it this far, but there are still fears that I need to deal with. I know that this late in the game, the risks of loss are lower... but how do I explain this fear to people? I know the risk of a still birth is 3%, but we only had a 1% chance of losing 3 pregnancies in a row. What comfort can statistics give me? Most of the time I don't think about it, I just focus on today; but the worry is still there, where it'll stay. I do relish in the fact that I am so close, that this wonderful wiggling baby may soon be in my arms- but I want that so badly, I've dreamed of it for so long, that of course I'm going to worry. Who wouldn't fear losing something they love so much, and tried so hard for?

The closer we get the the estimated due date, the more anxious I grow. I worry about labor, about loss, about my own health. I get excited about holding him in my arms, of kissing his sweet face, of my husband finally meeting this precious boy. I'm anxious about when he'll come, will there be snow or ice making the drive hazardous, will he be early, 'on time', late? It seems like time has slowed down; at the same time I've been so busy that it seems to be passing me by, yet the next few milestones seem forever away. I still have so much to do.

Working on stuff-

2011-10-29T19:36:00.010-04:00

32 weeks today!

Things looked pretty good at our appointment yesterday, besides gaining a lot more weight than I should have in 2 weeks. I blame all the cake... delicious, yummy, cake. Mmm. We're waiting on my thyroid results to make sure my dose is still good, I also bit the bullet and got the flu shot (for the first time ever). I talked to my OB about the abdominal pain I started having two days ago, really intense stabbing/bruised feeling near my belly button- she thinks it's probably just round ligament pains, and suggested I take it easy over the weekend and see if that helps. If it doesn't, I can give them a call back Monday. I've been really lazy since then, and it hasn't been bothering me as much... so let's hope it stays that way.

I've been working on a blanket for Nombie for months now. Since I'm taking it easy, I finished it up last night. I think it turned out alright, it looks nicer in real life than in the photos... I really need to learn how to take better crochet photos haha.

This blanket is the first/only one I've actually made specifically for Nombie. I made other blankets for my "someday child" out of hope. While they are special in their own way, this one is even more meaningful for me because I actually made it just for him. No matter what happens, this blanket will always be his. I don't know how to articulate just how scary and amazing that is.

You can kind of see the nursery in the background... it's a real mess right now. I kind of just threw everything in there for now. We'll start setting it up later this month after we get a dresser for in there. But for now= chaos.

Randomness:

2011-10-26T23:27:00.003-04:00

- I never did update about my cat Ishi. If you remember, I swore he has some mental defect and he thought my husband was the anti-christ. SIL1 felt like I should get rid of him because he might freak the baby out... yeah, even though I bottle fed this cat, have had him for 5 years, and he only likes me... yeah, umm, no? Ishi is special. This cat thinks the best things in life are, in this order: me, cat treats, dog food, and his tail. Anyway, we thought getting him fixed might help with some of his 'specialness', so we booked him an appointment and got it over with.

The change in him is remarkable. He's still scared of my husband to an extent, but he's so different now. He comes out and plays while my husband is home, he'll even play with my husband if I'm on the couch with him. This hasn't happened since Ishi was a kitten. He loves playing now, all the time. I mean he used to play when I was home alone, but it's like all that anxiety/testosterone got rerouted into play time all the time. His tail is the best toy EVER. It's super long, so it always surprises him when he sees it out of the corner of his eyes... I did say he was special, right?

But he still loves the cuddles, although I'm starting to think we've created a monster. He used to only follow me around meowing when I was home alone... now I get no peace. If he was a human, I'd have a restraining order against him- he's that obsessed with me. Every cat I've ever bottle fed has been obsessed with me, but never quite like this. It does make me smile, he always looks like he's so happy he could explode: I'm his whole world. I saved him, bottle fed him, have loved him, and he still thinks I'm the momma. He's not aggressive about it, or possessive, he doesn't get mad about me petting other cats or anything (just confused as to where his loving is)- he just waits for his chance. We spend most of the night together on the couch.

Oh, but the best part? He stopped spraying.

He does still get a bit freaked out when we rearrange furniture, or bring in new stuff, but it's not as bad. And he gets over it fairly quickly now, so that is definitely good. He doesn't get much more freaked out than everyone else, I'd say it's definitely more normal. I mean, all of them got freaked out when we brought in the hand-me-downs from my cousin, and the stuff from the baby shower, but they all dealt with it and calmed down in their own time. No matter what I do, I know that if Nombie comes home it'll freak them out. They'll probably all hide for awhile, but they'll adjust. Even Ishi.

- Nombie seems to be positioned weird. My right side is sticking out more than my left, and I've been having sharp pains over there where I've felt some movement. I've felt movement all over today, so I'm really not sure how he's positioned... but it's sharp. I told A- last night that I think I'm making a pointy baby. It's a really really sharp/stabby pain, up a little and to the right of my belly button. I'm hoping it's just him being positioned weird... and that he'll move so it hurts less. It's really hurts.

- I think I've started experiencing braxton hicks contractions in the past couple of days. I feel an uncomfortableness every now and then, and my abdomen gets tighter. Never having had BH contractions, I really can't say for sure if this is what it is. But given that I'm almost 32 weeks, I imagine it must be? It's not painful, just uncomfortable. I really can't discern when they start/stop or a pattern, so that's probably good right? I don't know. This is all new territory to me.

- I seem to have hit the point of pregnancy where everything hurts. I feel whiny and I'm trying not to complain because I am so thankful for every single day I get with Nombie. But I hurt all over, all the time, and I'm soooo tired. I can't get comfortable at night, my sides/hips hurt, I wake up so many times because I either need to flip sides or I need to pee, my head hurts, and my abdomen is just so sore all the time. I know it'll be worth it though, really, just so long as Nombie comes home alive. Until then, just taking things one day at a time and taking pleasure in knowing I'm almost there... less than 60 days now until our EDD.

Run down-

2011-10-21T17:24:00.002-04:00

I feel so run down lately. Like I've been super exhausted, I'm having trouble sleeping, then work made that worse since it's graveyard shift, and now I've got some ear/jaw pain going on, besides being sore EVERYWHERE... I think I either have an ear infection or a cavity issue; I'll call on Monday if it's still this bad or worse. Just super unpleasant for now.

Also, I can't seem to form coherent thoughts anymore. So, I guess I'll do this post in bullets.

- I can't wait to be done with work. I was so anxious to go back because we need the money, and while we still need the money... physically, it's getting more and more draining the farther along I get. My last day should be 36wks, so I keep telling myself there's only another month. But man, that's going to be such a long month. I just need to make it through Thanksgiving...

- This Saturday we'll be 31 weeks. Which is unbelievable.

- The 22nd is also when my second baby would have been due... (s)he'd have turned 2 this year. That was the one I conceived from my birthday ovulation; I'd hoped that it would be the best birthday present ever. I'd thought that EDD was sort of neat, since I have a nephew who was born on the 25th, and a niece on the 28th- so close to my EDD. But then I lost it, and it was terrible. I'm glad that over time the memory of what I went through has faded, the vividness has dulled... but I still remember the screaming, 6 hours of hell, and the horrible empty feeling the next morning as if I'd been carved hollow and raw from the inside out. I don't think that will ever fade.

- Our first baby was due a little over a week after Nombie. It's weird being due within the same time frame again, of course this time my entire view of everything has changed. It's like living a parallel timeline for what should have been, except everything is different now. It's amazing how different we are after three years- but I can see her (the old me) and that baby we lost, and where we would have been.

- The last four years A- has asked me what I wanted for Christmas, and I'd tell him I wanted a baby. And then I'd cry because that's really all I wanted, the one thing we couldn't seem to have. The holidays have been exceedingly difficult as we continued to experience more losses and medical setbacks while A-'s younger siblings continued having children. I really hope this Christmas is different for us.

- It's getting colder here, we've had the windows closed in the house and the heat on. And for some reason, that is already making me excited for winter decorating. I hate winter/cold/snow... but I love getting out the holiday decorations. My favorite family tradition is putting up our tree together. I love the way it looks and the warm feeling I get from looking at it. I love the garlands, candles, hot cocoa, holiday music, colored lights... I soak it all up. Still another month before all that though!

- Being due on a holiday is surreal, it serves as a constant reminder of our EDD. I've never been this hyper aware of how many days until Christmas before. When I see the Christmas stuff in the store I freak out a little. It's still two months away, and that seems like forever. Then I think, it's only two months away and that seems like no time at all. Mostly I settle on "plenty of time" and stop thinking about it... mostly.

- I wish Nombie would move more. I still don't feel much movement, and that bothers me. I know that with the anterior placenta this can be normal, but my OB makes it out like I should be feeling him more than I am. I don't know, it just makes me nervous sometimes. I just really don't feel like I should be going all day without feeling him when I'm this far along. My OB said for kick counts to try and feel 5 movements in an hour... but some days I'm lucky if I feel 5 instances of movement in 24 hours. But he always seems fine, and I find him on the doppler without too much hassle (most of the time) so I guess it's just normal for him. Yeah, that doesn't make me less uneasy though.

The Baby Shower-

2011-10-16T21:10:00.004-04:00

Here's me from today, 30wks + 1day. We'd just gotten home from the baby shower, so I still had my button on.

The shower went alright, it was very... awkward. It could have been worse though, so I'm not going to complain too much.

My mother had a few moments where she couldn't understand what was going on, and we got her set right before it turned into a blowout and she got too disoriented. I was hoping I was the only one that noticed, but A- and my best friend commented on it. A- knew where it was heading, and my friend knew enough about my mother to know too... the rest of the guests had no idea the near melt-down/tantrum that was averted.

Less than half the invitees showed up, which again was expected.

However, it was weird. The shower was for my baby, but most of the time people talked amongst themselves... like, I really didn't do much talking at all. Heck, most people didn't ask about Nombie, or talk about our pregnancy. It made the whole issue of "awkward conversation" null and void, since there really wasn't that much conversation with me at all? Which, as I said, strikes me as odd to begin with... but it's over now.

While I was opening gifts most of them were busy fawning over the new nephew and talking loudly about him. This pissed my best friend off, since the shower was for our baby. I have a kind of "meh" attitude about it; at least it took the focus off of me... I hate being the center of attention. But I also feel a little cheated, since this was supposed to be about celebrating Nombie. And since no one talked about him, or paid much attention during the gift opening, it makes me wonder what exactly we were doing there?

Why yes, I am a little conflicted... and not quite done processing what just happened.

I'm thankful they made the effort, that nothing disastrous happened, and for the company/gifts. The cake was nice (and yummy); Nombie was happy about that too. Very happy.

And... yeah. So I guess it was, umm, nice?
I think I'm just going to continue processing this.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

2011-10-15T14:32:00.005-04:00

Today my heart goes out to those parents that have lost their children, whether it in the early stages of pregnancy, late term, or after birth. A loss is a loss.

I like to take today as a way to remember and raise awareness. People know that pregnancy loss happens, that infants pass away- but what they don't always realize is how often this happens. Every single person out there knows someone that has lost a child, even if they don't always know it. We're not alone in this; those who have lost might not always talk about them, but you are never alone.

If you are one of the many grieving and have come to my blog today, let me say it again: You are not alone.

Often this grief is isolating, it feels heavier by the silence. Whether we speak about it or not, we're often met with a brick wall- people neither know what to say, or how to react, when we tell them "I lost my baby." Often a simple, "I'm sorry," would suffice, a shoulder to cry on, letting us talk about our children. What we don't want are platitudes. We don't want to hear how it could have been worse, or how we're lucky we can try again, or any other bull shit. Our babies died, and they aren't ever coming back. What we need is to grieve.

I get tired of being told to move on, that it's okay now... because it's not okay, I should have an almost three year old, I should have a child turning two, I should have a one year old... but I don't. Yes, I am pregnant now- and I am thankful for every single day that this child is still alive inside me. But he is not a replacement for his brothers and sisters, he is his own precious being. We wanted them all. We still miss them. Their existence changed our lives forever.

My niece would have turned 13 this year. Instead, we remember that 13 years ago she lived inside my sister's womb. She was born, but she was born silent. My nephews know their sister existed; they came later, never met her, but they love her just the same. Her ashes rest with them, her memory with all of the lives she touched.

And today, my heart goes out to all of you who have lost, whether it was your own child, a family member's, a friend's (because our losses are never just our own). My heart broke so many times this year, and years past, when my friends have lost. So many fellow bloggers, women from my support groups, my friends... it's unfathomable sometimes. And I stand with you today to remember. I stand here to let others remember too- we are not alone.

At 7pm I will be lighting a candle for the three pregnancies I have lost, the children I will never meet. I will be lighting this candle for my niece. For my friend's children. For all the children lost. I invite you to join me, wherever you are, to remember.

Positives-

2011-10-13T01:43:00.006-04:00

Thanks for all the kind words on my last post. I really needed to vent that out, I'm really hoping things go smoothly on Sunday... but A- and I both have our doubts. I'm going to have A- and my best friend as support/backup so hopefully that'll give me the strength to get through this. I'm scared though.

There have been some positive things lately though, so I thought I'd share those!

We'll be 30wks on Saturday. That's exciting! Every week Nombie's still with us is absolutely amazing.

A couple days before the ultrasound, I was feeling my abdomen and noticed that there was a lump on the left side. I commented to A- that I thought it was Nombie's head. I kept feeling it leading up to the ultrasound. We had the ultrasound and confirmed it was indeed his head poking out there. So. freaking. weird. He's moved since the ultrasound, I'm not sure where his head is now. I think he might be head up again, or maybe laying sideways from the right now. Really not sure.

I keep going back and looking at the 3d ultrasound photos. It's just so surreal knowing that he's in there, and he's so stinking cute. There are some sequential shots where he puckers his face up, sticks his tongue out, then starts sucking his thumb. Like, for serious, there's a baby in there. That always hits me after every ultrasound, and I'm always amazed by it. Like, I know there's a baby in there, but after I see him again it really just hits me anew without fail. It never gets old.

Nombie was really active the days following the ultrasound. It was nice feeling some strong solid movement, and not just a handful of movement a day. I mean, he was going at it! I get so worried since I really don't feel him very often. Since he's moved from my left, I haven't been feeling him as much again. It was nice while it lasted.

A couple days ago, A- finally felt Nombie move from the outside. I've been feeling Nombie on the outside for weeks, but my hands always just happen to be on my belly when he moves. Movement is so unpredictable, and the only way to catch it is when it's up top. A- hasn't felt any big kicks/punches, it was just some squirming. I feel a lot of squirming where Nombie's head is, he likes to jam it against my uterine wall/placenta at the top. So when he turns it's this weird twisting feeling. Sometimes it can be felt from the outside. Of course, the next day A- was doubting he felt anything, saying it felt like a twitch and he wasn't sure. But it was. And he felt squirming again the next day. But, no solid hard kicks/punches.

The other day we were at a store, and there was a really good sale going on this crib they had. I was planning on waiting until the end of this month to buy a crib, but A- really wanted to get this crib since the deal was really good (and of course, the sale expired the next day). So... we bought a crib. Yeah. We haven't opened it yet, it's sitting in the nursery in it's box waiting. We should probably open it and make sure it doesn't have any missing parts/scratches... but I don't know if I want to just yet. Buying it was scary enough!
__________________________________________________
We have a busy weekend ahead of us:

Friday we have another appointment with my OB so we'll see how that goes.

Saturday, October 15th, is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. We'll be taking a pause and lighting our candle at 7pm in honor of all the babies we've lost, as well as for anyone else who has lost a child. Sadly, many members of the ALI community that I follow or am friends with have lost children this year, and my heart goes out to them. I'll be posting about Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day on my FB and on here too, like I do every year.

Then Sunday is the baby shower. I'll be sure to post about that; but I might need to process things first, so the post might take a few days for me to spit it out. It's only two hours... that's what I keep telling myself. Maybe less if we're lucky.

Le stress-

2011-10-11T02:55:00.020-04:00

The baby shower is this Sunday. I'm hoping for the strength to survive it. Not from just the obvious reasons, like still feeling uncomfortable talking about the pregnancy... but, well, my mother is supposed to be hosting it.

I don't talk about her a lot on here, because I try to limit what I say about certain family members. My mother is mentally ill (certified by the gov't). Most people don't know how seriously ill she is, won't admit how much worse she's gotten, or don't believe me when I say that she's mentally ill. She has no verbal filter, she thinks everything is about her, that she's got it worse than everyone else, and that she's going to die. She forgets things, like conversations we just had or recipes she made for the holidays every year since I was a child- and she gets worse every year. She functions in society, her social worker hasn't put restrictions on her- she can go where she wants, drive, live on her own, she's just off.

She lives on her own in an efficiency apartment for the disabled. She tells people that she's on disability for physical reasons, and maybe by now she is too on top of the mental... I don't know. She does have physical issues, but she also exaggerates drastically (she's lied about cancer before- yes, we know with certainty she lied about it). She says she can't breathe, she's even got oxygen at home (which she refuses to use) oh, and she's also a chain smoker.

I love my mother, but she's extremely challenging. When I can, I limit my visits with her to less than an hour. Because honestly, I end up wanting to bang my head into a wall and pull my hair out before that hour is even up.

She's been trying to help us out, and I appreciate it. I think her heart is in the right place. But it's very trying. She only wants to come during certain times of the day: 2pm is okay but 3pm is too late because it might start getting dark. In case you're wondering, yeah sunset is 8pm here, and she lives about 20 minutes away... so I'm still confused on how 3pm is too late? And don't get me started about if it's raining (even sprinkles are dangerous).

- She was getting hand-me-downs from my cousin's house for us. I told her repeatedly I did not want some of the stuff because of safety reasons (Heck, the crib she wanted me to take was probably 10 years old, missing it's hardware, and deplorable!) So, what does my mother do? She brings it all over anyway. And rather than leave the stuff I don't want in her car and drop it off at the thrift store (which was on her way home, and they would have unloaded it for her) she just left it at my house and stormed off. Apparently I offended her because I told her I didn't want that stuff (which I told her before she picked it up)... oh, and because I asked her not to smoke around me in my own house again. I think that was the clincher.

Okay, I know she doesn't understand. I'm all for hand-me-downs but we still haven't had our shower yet, plus we had planned to buy certain things new (like the crib)... and you know if this baby survives it will be our first, and possibly our only, living child. I think I'm entitled to have some things that I want for my child; I mean, we've waited 4 years for this.

- Back to the smoking... yeah, all the stuff she brings over from her home for the baby reeks of smoke. I used to be a smoker, but my stuff never smelled this bad according to A-, who has never been a smoker. She chain smokes, and she doesn't think twice about lighting up with me in her apartment (with windows closed), or in her car, or in my own house. She will proudly tell you that she smoked through all of her pregnancies, and her 4 children turned out fine (besides the awful asthma). I don't give a fuck if she thinks smoking didn't hurt her babies, what's done is done... but damn it, this is my baby. I stopped smoking for my health and my future children's health. She can stop smoking for 1 hour in my presence.

- So the shower... she offered to do our shower, and I had to accept even though I had doubts about this. If I had turned her down, she would have thrown a tantrum and a major woe-is-me campaign. But she's causing me serious stress about this. She's already complained about money (which meant she was trying to get us to help foot the bill- this isn't the first time she's done this). She wouldn't let my MIL help with it at all initially, saying "there isn't much to do for a shower." My mom likes to do things alone, so she was being very controlling about this. Yet she kept trying to make me fill out the invites and envelopes for the shower? Which I explained several times was bad etiquette, and she kept arguing with me about it. I had decided on telling her to cancel and have someone else throw it, but she'd already sent the invites out.

She told me she got the invites at the dollar store, which would have been fine if they were decent quality. But they were so cheaply made that my friend's was coming out of the envelope due to how thin the envelopes were! So now I'm just hoping the invites didn't get lost in the mail from escaping the envelopes... ugh. She mailed them out a week later than we agreed on, so guests have limited notice of the shower as well (if they even got their invites). I had to call her again the other night because MIL was really really really wanting to help. My mom started blowing this off again, but we kept talking and she started telling me "well, this still needs done," and "I didn't really finish this," and after I finally got her to spill it... I found out that EVERYTHING she told me was "already done", was in fact not done AT ALL. At the end of the conversation, I got her to agree to call MIL directly and see what she can get done.

It then took them another week to make contact because my mom was worried I gave her the wrong number (even after checking with me multiple times and confirming it was the correct number), and then she refused to call it again or text it because she just didn't think it was the right number. Ugh. MIL got ahold of her in the end... a week before the shower.

To be fair... I know that I have no one to blame but myself for agreeing to let her do this. I knew how she was. But I also knew how she'd react if I turned her down. I thought I was choosing the lesser of two evils. She'd blindsided me and asked to do it very early on, before anyone else could offer. If someone else had, turning her down would have been easier. I'm not trying to sound like a whiny bitch, but my MIL or my best friend would love to be have thrown me a shower. They even offered to do a separate shower, but I didn't see the point in doing that because honestly there aren't that many people to invite; it's going to be a very small shower to begin with. I would much rather have had my best friend do the shower though, my stress meter would be so much lower right now.

It's too late now, the invites are out. The shower is set. I was dreading this shower because of people acting like this is my first pregnancy and saying asinine things... but honestly, my mom worries me more.

That's totally not the only thing stressing me about my mom, but if I wrote everything down it'd be a novel (well more of a novel than it already is!) I really am thankful that she's trying, that we're even getting a shower, and I am grateful for the hand-me-downs I got (I did get a lot of very nice/useful stuff!)... but there's just some stuff I could do without.

I will have a much more positive post tomorrow or the next day, but for now... I just needed to unload. She pulled some crap last week that had me really frazzled (not going into it, that's an even longer story)... but I'm just at my wits end.

I wish I had a "normal" crazy mom; you know the type where you say your mom is crazy, but she's not really crazy? I always fall into the trap of trying to help her, or going to her when I have stuff going on in my life because, well, she's my mother. But the truth is, she stopped being my mother a long time ago. We go through the motions, and I love her... but as her mental illness got worse, she checked out on life and being a mother. I can remember so many good memories of her from when I was little, but by the time I was 11 I started noticing things changing, my mother was there... but she wasn't there.

I wonder if my heart will ever realize what my mind did all those years ago.

Progression-

2011-10-07T18:48:00.016-04:00

SIL2 is healing well, very exhausted though. She did end up with 2 blood transfusions directly after her c-section, then 2 more transfusions the next morning. Baby is doing great too.

We went over to see them the other day, he was so cute. Nombie started moving, or kicking, at the nephew as I held him; now that felt weird! Holding a baby while your own kicked it from inside you... haha, yeah. I couldn't help but think, "I might actually have one of these in a few months." That felt surreal. I might actually have a baby.

Tomorrow is 29 weeks. Yeah, that's pretty AMAZING. We went ahead and had an elective 3d/4d ultrasound because honestly, this is probably our first/last chance, and damn it I WANTED one. I know I'd regret not getting it done: even if things went perfectly, but especially if something goes wrong. Nombie was uncooperative, to say the least. He is breech, with his face mashed up against the lovely anterior placenta, and he was totally folded in half. He kept putting his feet in his mouth, like "Toes... YUM." It was cute, but it made getting good face shots really difficult. After we got him to move his feet, he decided he needed to suck his thumb. And then he put his feet back in his face. Hahahaha... nice.

You can see his face and feet/toes on the right in this one, and his arm up under his chin.

My husband's response: while he thought some of it was cute, he refers to 3d/4d ultrasounds as "the melting baby pictures." I think they creep him out a little... and some of them, yeah, can't say I blame him! But the good shots are so cute.

This one is just a better face shot :) He's got the chubbiest little cheeks. So in love.

Another nephew

2011-09-30T00:25:00.011-04:00

Yesterday we welcomed our 8th nephew into the world, it came at me first thing in a flurry of texts. My phone was getting blown up, apparently things were pretty touch and go for awhile. SIL2 woke up that morning bleeding profusely, when they got to the hospital they found out she had a placental abruption. She ended up losing a lot of blood, having an emergency c-section, and a couple blood transfusions. Mom and baby are fine now, but that must have been the scariest experience for her. Before this, her biggest worry had been anemia and heartburn.

Everyone is excited, and thankful for how things turned out- I'm sure everyone could do without how it began though.

We haven't went out and visited yet. I think she needs rest now, more than a ton of visitors. We might stop out today, or tomorrow, just for a few minutes... but I definitely don't want to add stress by coming out when she has so much company already.
______________________________________________________

Her birth hasn't bothered me as much as SIL1's did last year. Maybe it's because of the chaos surrounding it, or because we're pregnant now, but it stings less. That's not to say that all my grief from infertility has been absolved (trust me, it's still there)... it's just quieter right now. I still feel that familiar ache, but it's not a howling open sore like it was last year.

I think in some ways, it's manifesting itself differently. Or I just developed a new set of issues (it's hard to tell these days). The other day at work, a women came in. She asked me if I was pregnant (first time a stranger has ever asked me that). I told her I was, she asked me how far along I was. Then she told me she was pregnant too, and tried to make small talk with me. And I didn't know how to respond. It's still so uncomfortable talking about my pregnancy, about Nombie; I still can't relate to other pregnant women at all. You'd think that after trying for 4 years, that I'd be dying to gush about this. But I'm not. I don't know if it's from how long we've tried, because of all our losses along the way, because of how impermanent everything feels... but I just don't want to chat about it.

I've never had any issues talking about my infertility with people, my procedures, my surgeries, the reality of living with recurrent miscarriages... but this, my current pregnancy, I just can't speak as openly about.

We have a tour of the maternity ward Monday, another appointment and the baby shower in two weeks. We have a little less than 3 months until our estimated due date. You'd think this would be feeling more real by now, but it's not.

**ETA: SIL2 is still hanging in there, she needed 2 more blood transfusions this morning though. Hopefully she'll be feeling better soon, and get lots of rest in the meantime.

Work in progress-

2011-09-23T21:45:00.016-04:00

We had out appointment Friday, things went well. Nombie had a good heart beat, I'm up 5lbs this month, and I took the 1 hour glucose test. I should get the results from that sometime next week... well, only if it's bad news. They won't call me if it's normal. I HATE it when doctor offices do that, because then you're sitting around all week wondering if they've even got the stupid results in yet. Eh.

Nombie very much enjoyed the glucose drink. He was just kicking away after that. Sugar really gets him going. Sometimes I have candy without thinking about it... oops. But it makes me smile.

Oh, and 27 weeks today! I go back in 3 weeks (at 30wks), which is the weekend of our shower. After that appointment, we'll go in every 2 weeks until 36 weeks (then every week). Wow. It's still very surreal.

Did I mention we're supposed to have a baby shower in 3 weeks? For our baby? I'll believe it when I see it.

Some photo progress for you, at 26 weeks and 5 days:

Ahem, I think I may be pregnant.

Below is nursery progress. The walls were already the color I wanted, but the floors needed redone and the trim needed painted. The brown is lighter than it appears in the photo, it's a coffee bean brown though. I also need to make/buy curtains, get stuff yet, etc... it's in progress though.

Competing emotions-

2011-09-19T01:31:00.019-04:00

A few things happened Saturday. It was busy, we went out to celebrate my husband's birthday (belatedly) shopped around and then stopped at my cousins at the end of the day.

- In the car, talking with my husband, he referred to the baby by the name we've chosen for him. Then he continued telling me how he wants to further his education/career so that Nombie will be proud of him. To which I replied, "What? You don't think he'll be proud of you anyway for being you?" because I think he'd be proud of him anyway, but then A- started talking about how he apparently wants to be the cool dad? I was laughing, but it was sweet. The thing that struck me most though, was that the whole time, he was talking as if Nombie is going to come home alive. Like he was going to live, and grow up. It was very sweet, and it made me smile.

At the same time it scares me, and worries me, because what if something happens? We're obviously not quite in the same place with our security in this pregnancy, but I'll admit I'm starting to get more hopeful too... just not in the same place as him yet. Of course, later Nombie went and decided not to move much at all, AND hid from the doppler... I found his heart beat and felt him the next day, but that was tense. He keeps flip flopping, and with the anterior placenta he has to be positioned a certain way for me to feel anything at all still. I'm 26 weeks now, I was hoping it'd be more consistent by now. But no such luck (*sigh*). I can still go a day without movement. It's makes me nervous.

- My cousin gave me a TON of hand me downs. I don't think Nombie is going to need much in the way of clothes for awhile yet! She also gave me her car seat and stroller, both need cleaned up but they're in great condition. We're also getting a pack n' play (or two) from her. I feel very lucky! I barely talk to this cousin, so it was a total shock. It really made my day. I know she was super glad to be rid of the stuff too! I went through it all the other night, and sorted it.

I still feel slighted about the whole situation with SIL1 giving all her hand-me-downs to SIL2. I don't remember if I posted about that... if you remember, they're both A-s sisters. SIL1 had a baby last year, and SIL2 is pregnant with her second baby.

Well, SIL1 gave all of her old stuff to SIL2 at the shower (a bassinet, receiving blankets, activity playmat, clothes, and baby carrier)... SIL2 said that she already had 2 bassinets, and 2 carriers. So SIL1 laughed and said, "Well you know who could use them then!?" and pointed to me. Yeah, love the public announcement about how you didn't bother considering giving us your hand-me-downs... we're just an afterthought. Nice.

Honestly, if it had been me in her shoes, I'd have split it up between the two pregnant women, or got them together and asked them to figure out what they want/need. I would never have only given to one of them, especially if they were due so close together. I know, I know... I can't expect the world to act with the same rationale as me. Maybe I'm overreacting to it- it's just feels like another reminder from the in-laws about how I'm not really family to them.

But that incident made me even more grateful for the unexpected kindness from my cousin. I really didn't think I'd be getting any hand-me-downs, let alone so much. And certainly not from someone I barely talk to, and haven't seen in a couple years. When we left her house, I just smiled because of her kindness. It really helped complete my day.

Seeing it all in our house is crazy. It makes me feel a little more like we might actually have a baby this time. We have baby stuff... in our house. Not just a handful of clothes/blankets tucked away out of sight, but stuff sitting out. It's scary, but it also makes it more real. We have three months and 1 week until our due date, our shower is in less than a month now, the invites are going out this week, we're working more on the nursery and home repairs... it's crazy.

I so hope that things continue going okay with Nombie. I want him to come home with us alive and well. I'm so thankful for every day that he's still with us, and I hope every day that he'll still be there tomorrow. I hate waiting 4 weeks between appointments... I wish it was Friday already.

25wks and progress-

2011-09-13T22:46:00.012-04:00

Here's my belly shot from a few days ago at 25 weeks 3 days. It's getting out there a bit, but I still don't think I look very pregnant. My pre-pregnancy pants still button. I don't wear them though, because they're not anywhere near as comfortable as maternity pants. I think it's that weight loss earlier this year that makes me feel like I don't look pregnant... really, I just look like I've gained that weight back. Although in reality I've only gained about 3lbs so far. It's all in the PCOS physique- most of my fat went right to my belly (I think the term is apple shaped?) so it has always been larger. Sometimes I think I look pregnant, other times I think I just look fat. Eh.

As for the the nursery progress, I'll have photos coming later this week. But, whew... This has been quite the undertaking. The wall color is staying the same, but I'm painting the trim brown. We've still got to finish clearing my book cases out of there; the major curse of being a bibliophile is when it comes time to move all those suckers. After that we're doing the floors, and then I can start moving things in. We don't have much right now, but hopefully after I get the hand me downs my cousin recently promised, we'll have more. I have to pick up the glider my mom is giving me too (she's had it forever, but doesn't want it anymore). Sometime next month we'll get a crib and dresser... plus the baby shower is in a month now so we'll have whatever we get from that to throw in there. It's slow progress, but progress just the same.

Work is exhausting. I keep reminding myself that I'm only working until December 1st, so it's not a huge deal... but it feels like it. I have to go to work in 2 hours, and I'm already exhausted! It wasn't this hard when I wasn't pregnant, but now I just want to sleep and sleep. But we need the money, and all the other shifts require too much up and down, phones, crisis', and running back and forth... and I do not feel up to that. I'm very lucky that my boss has been so understanding, I hope she continues to bare with me on this!

Speaking of which, we scheduled a tour of the maternity ward in October. For serious... that's weird. And I signed up for a breast feeding class in November.

Which reminds me, anyone have advice/suggestions on breast pumps? Assuming all goes well, I'll be staying home for awhile, but I do plan to go back to work eventually. I'll only be working 2-3 days a week, for 8 hours each. I've read that the Me.dela PISA is one of the best, but it's expensive for something I don't think I'd be using very often. Or an I deluding myself by thinking I wouldn't use it very often? I don't even know if I'll be able to breast feed given my issues, but I want to give it a fighting chance... I don't know. Help?

As of today, it's 100 days until our EDD (12/24).
I'll be 26 weeks pregnant on Saturday... so close to the third trimester...

Coming full circle-

2011-09-13T17:09:00.004-04:00

We've begun home repairs and room rearrangements to make room for this baby. The room that was once intended to be a nursery, might be one yet.

It strange, watching it come full circle. After we lost the first baby, I claimed the room for my own because it was easier than seeing it represent everything we lost. I slathered on the paint, piled in my things, and it felt good to fill up it's emptiness. It became my art room, my library, my office, maybe it's easier to say it was just... my room. I went there when I was angry, when I needed to cry, when my grief from our infertility and our losses was too much to bear and I needed to paint, to write, to draw, anything in an attempt to cope with things.

Three years after I took it back, it's hard to believe that it might actually serve it's original intended purpose.

24 weeks!

2011-09-03T20:53:00.003-04:00

Sorry, I'm a little excited today. We made it to 24 weeks. Still not out of the woods entirely, and anything can still go wrong, but it feels good to have made it this far. I hope so much my little Nombie continues to grow, thrive, and come home alive in December.

To celebrate we started looking at baby stuff. It was OVERWHELMING, and SCARY. I've been looking at stuff online, but actually going into a store was so different. I felt out of place, like I didn't belong. It didn't help that there were parents, pregnant women and kids everywhere; not to mention the complete chaos they brought with them. We bought a few cute onsies, a baby book, the boppy we ordered online came in the mail today too... it's surreal having them in my house. We'll look more and shop more in the coming months, assuming things go well, but this was a start.

And now I'm exhausted. Whew.

Random things from this week-

2011-08-30T18:57:00.005-04:00

- Here's a work-in-progress photograph of the blanket I gave SIL2. When I finished it I added some white trim. The blue color doesn't show up very well in the photo, but it is a really pretty color... it's also kind of shiny. Everyone thinks the basket weave looks really complicated, but it's actually the simplest pattern I've ever done. It's really nice and thick too.

- It's been an interesting day, we took my cat Ishi to the veterinarian's to get the snip. We were hoping it'll stop his spraying and help with his anxiety issues. I'm doubtful, but guess we'll see in time. Right now he's still pretty drugged up and wondering what the hell just happened. I have to keep reassuring him that the world is not in fact coming to an end.

- I didn't feel Nombie moving much this morning so I got the doppler out. It's so much easier finding him now that I know just where to look. I found it right away, and apparently woke him up because he started kicking the crap out of me. Love it! I also confirmed that all those whooshing noises I hear when I use it are in fact movement, because I can feel them now while I'm listening. So. freakin'. cool. I was pretty positive that they were, but thinking they are and actually feeling them is not the same experience. I just listened, felt, and marveled for a bit.

- I've started to get really exhausted at about 5pm. I think that'll work to my advantage once I go back to work since I'll be on the graveyard shift. I go back to work Thursday night, and I am so excited.

- We plan to look at baby stuff this weekend since we'll be 24wks on Saturday. I am scared, anxious, apprehensive, and mildly excited. We probably won't be buying much, if anything at all, but we wanted to at least start looking at stuff. We have to start somewhere, right? Baby steps...

I survived the weekend!

2011-08-28T15:34:00.003-04:00

23 weeks and 1 day today! The appointment Friday went well, I'm finally above my pre-pregnancy weight (initially lost 5lbs, and have gained that back plus 3lbs). Nombie had a good heartbeat at 145bpm. He's been kicking me a lot at night and in the morning, or maybe jumping? I don't really know, but it's cute.

I just got home from the baby shower. It wasn't horrible, but it was still awkward and trying. The blanket I crocheted for the baby got many Ooos and Awws, I'm glad they liked it. People tried to make small talk with me about the pregnancy and the baby... yeah.

But it's over with, and I can breath a sigh of relief. Whew.

I'm tired and I have a headache now.

Is it the weekend yet?

2011-08-24T19:09:00.003-04:00

- I'm anxious for our appointment on Friday. Hopefully things will check out good.

- Also, Saturday will be 23wks... so close to 24wks, I can almost taste it.

- Of course, Sunday I have to go to that baby shower for SIL2... not at all looking forward to how uncomfortable and awkward that'll be.

- Apparently everyone at my work now knows that I'm pregnant. I filled in for someone the other day (officially back on the schedule on the 1st!) and she said she heard I was pregnant and about my bed rest. And if that co-worker knows, everyone knows. She's a sweet old lady, but she's the biggest gossip ever. She made awkward pregnancy talk with me... I get so uncomfortable when that happens.

- I hope that I don't have to endure any awkward pregnancy talk at the baby shower. Please please please please please...

- My little brother should be staying in the state now, he's going to switch from living with his mom to living with his dad. But his dad doesn't have a place here, he's been crashing at various family member's houses for the past year or two. So I agreed to let my little brother stay with us until his father finds a place. So we'll be having a high school sophomore staying with us for a bit, and all the joys that entails. Hahaha. I love my brother, he's awesome, but it's going to be interesting getting him off to school in the morning and all that.

- I should go make dinner.

- Here's a belly shot from today: 22 weeks 4 days

The little things-

2011-08-20T23:15:00.005-04:00

I started feeling kicks this week; I am in constant awe. Just little faint flicks, that sometimes tickle and are sometimes uncomfortable, but they are always amazing. I can go almost all day without feeling anything, and that worries me sometimes... but I've been able to find him with the doppler. At which point I seem to wake him up, and he starts moving around again. Oops.

Last night I was working, and he was kicking the crap out of me almost all night. At some point he must have went to sleep, and all was quiet. Until I ate some candy, and discovered the Snickers are like speed for fetuses. Again, amazing.

Sometimes when a cat lays on my belly, I can feel him kicking the crap out of the cat. The cats can't feel it, but it cracks me up. He did that to my husband the other night when he was holding me, my husband couldn't feel it but I loved it.

It's such a simple thing, and I'm sure a lot of people take it for granted... but to me, it's the most amazing feeling in the world. I don't want to talk about it too much because I know it's a sensitive issue for some, but I really can't get over it.

Just as I am awestruck by my little boy's kicks, I'm looking at the calendar and I see in a few minutes it will be the 21st again. It's a simple thing, a day most people take for granted. But on that day in 1998... my niece died. My sister once felt her kicks, once heard her heart; 13 years ago she held her for the first time, and the last time. Her death preceded her birth by a single day.

Every August my heart turns to her, to my sister, to her family. I know that to her sons, their sister is still somewhat of a foreign concept. They know she died, but they don't know what exactly that meant. They came after the tornado of loss, when the damage wasn't so raw. They came when my sister had tucked up the debris, after she had started rebuilding, and they too were a process of that. But even the process of rebuilding is no match for the raw disaster area of stillbirth.

And to me too, my niece's loss was a foreign concept. I wasn't living in the same state, she didn't talk to her little sister about what happened, I was too young to understand. As I grew up, and got married, the reality became less foreign. I understood it more, I watched her sons growing taller, stronger, and I grieved more. As I lost my first, and my second, then my third pregnancy, my understanding deepened to a level that I never imagined possible.

My niece is dead. All that she could have been is gone. We keep wondering what the doctors could have done differently, if they had just taken her seriously the day before when my sister went in... would she still be here? If the hospital was better... if they'd induced her because she was overdue... so many what ifs. And none of them matter. None of us can change what happened. All we can do is keep loving her. Beautiful, perfect, Amariah.

Just as I'm reveling in my current pregnancy, I remember about how unexpected life is. My sister only had a 3% chance of losing her daughter at full term. I only had a 1% chance of losing my first three pregnancies. Statistics... they feel like such a false sense of security. We always think, "But that could never happen to me," until it does, and you're left reeling from it.

I know there's no way you can prepare for the unimaginable, but living through it your subconscious has no choice but to build barriers. I find myself doing that a lot with this pregnancy: my hesitation to talk about it, my despair at entering a baby aisle in a store, my fears of baby showers, the way I word things, the way I cringe when people talk as if this baby is a done deal. I know that shielding myself will do no good, that whether I lose the baby or not doesn't change what happens. But I can't help it. I still love this baby, and I love every second that he's still here with me. But I have to do things in my own time. I bought a baby item yesterday, online (I have yet to make an in store purchase). I'll have to take "baby steps" towards things. And I know it sounds stupid or silly to some people, but I don't care much for what I should be doing, or what I should be enjoying, I've never been one for the mainstream anyway. I'll do things in my own time.

But I do hope that this doesn't reflect poorly to people about how I feel about this baby. I've put my life on the line for this baby, I've sacrificed so much just to conceive it, not to mention in every attempt to carry him to term- I loved this baby before we conceived him, and with everyday I love him more.

To most of this country, pregnancy and birth are a given. They believe conception is easy, and pregnancy is assumed. They think that reaching full term means you'll have a living baby. These precious, wondrous, kicks are a given. But to me, these little things aren't so little. I take nothing for granted.

Everyday is a gift.

This and that-

2011-08-15T13:15:00.004-04:00

- I talked to the nurse and apparently she left in on the voice mail for the pharmacy at 4:30, so it was a combination of her procrastinating and the pharmacy not checking on things. Which, well, just made my day super stressful since no one was on the ball. Ugh. I did get my meds, and that's what really matters at the end of the day. But I could really do without the stress.

- My OBs phones were still down on Friday, so we just went ahead and drove the hour up there to ask for a urine analysis. I could have tried my regular doctor, but they NEVER squeeze anyone in on a Friday, and our co-pay for urgent care is astronomical so we didn't want to do that either. Luckily the OB's office squeezed us in and it looks like I don't have a bladder infection or UTI... my OB thinks it's just the way my uterus sits on my bladder. Apparently this happens to some women... So how am I supposed to know if I have a bladder infection when it constantly feels like I have an infection? I had a similar issue early on in the pregnancy, and my RE said she thought it was my uterus sitting on my bladder/urethra then. So... I feel special.

- I think I've started feeling little taps this past week. Or maybe baby hiccups. I don't know, I don't feel them everyday or very often. And it's really faint, like barely noticeable sometimes. Sometimes it tickles and sometimes it makes my lower area hurt (he likes to jump on my cervix). When it tickles, I unintentionally giggle. My husband keeps asking if I can feel any of them on the outside, but I can barely even feel them on the inside right now... so I think it'll be awhile before that.

- We've moved our game systems and everything back downstairs now. It feels weird to spend my free time on the couch instead of laid up in my bed. The animals are all in heaven though, it was like a contest to lay all over me. I feel so loved sometimes. My house is starting to look liveable again, and I'm finally doing the spring cleaning. Just a little bit at a time, but some progress is better than none.

- Belly shots. Okay so the first one is from when I started doing them at 14wks, and the other one is from today at 21wks 2days. So a bit of a difference. My pants all still fit, although I bought a pair of maternity pants and discovered that they're way more comfortable (and make me look slightly more pregnant). Shirts all still fit fine too, but some are getting a bit more snug. I still don't look very pregnant, especially to strangers.

I still haven't gained a lot of weight yet either (which is great), maybe a few pounds in the last few weeks. My home scale said about 226lbs this morning. My home scale is usually about 2lbs or so below my OBs, so I might actually be above my pre-pregnancy weight now. I really think the Metformin is helping me stay on track. I'm super glad my OB let me stay on it. I will have to do the glucose tolerance test at 28wks, but until then we're good.

I've been eating A LOT this past week. I think we've hit a growth spurt or something. I mean, one day I'm not really hungry and then the next I'm freaking eating everything in sight. Speaking of which, I'm hungry again... so I'd better get off here!

Here's the belly shots: 14w vs 21wks

Weepy mess today-

2011-08-11T21:44:00.004-04:00

I got a major run around today trying to get my Lovenox filled. I called yesterday to get it filled, let them know I would be out today... and today at 1 it still wasn't in.

So I was like, okay, well I need to call the nurse anyway because I think I may have a bladder infection. So first I call, and their phones are down. So I had to call a different number, then follow it's automated messaging service, and finally got the nurse's voice mail. So I left a message checking on my refill, again repeating that I needed it TODAY, and asked her to call me back.

Hours passed, and she didn't call me back. My prescription still hadn't been called in.

It was like 4pm, and I was like 'screw this crap!' I called back. Instead of leaving her a message, I opted to go through to the appointments desk where I was sure to talk to a real person... no question of the phones losing my message. I tell her I really need that prescription TODAY and that it wasn't in, she offers to go back and talk to the nurse. She talks to the nurse, who tells her that she did get my message and would call it in for me today. I asked the appointment lady to please also tell her I'd really like to know if I should schedule an appointment to come in because I really think I have a bladder infection. She said she would, so I was like okay, whew.

5pm rolls around, the nurse NEVER called me back. I called the pharmacy at 5:30, and they told me my prescription still hasn't been called in.

Are you for serious? By this point, I'm an hour away from when I need my injection and I am BAWLING my eyes out. I called the on call desk, explained the situation, and got the on call doctor to call it in for me. He said he'd look into the matter for me too.

So it was called in, and my husband goes to pick it up for me. And there's two prescriptions for it. We have no idea when which one was called in. So either the nurse called it in after 5:30pm, or the pharmacy lied to me about it not being called in yet. (*MAJOR HEAD DESK*) First of all, my OB had not gotten it called in by 4pm for sure- because I know she had not called in then, she said she would get to it at that point. So she did procrastinate a lot. But did she get it called in before 5:30 and then the pharmacy messed up after her mess up? No idea. And really, no matter who is at fault, it just made for an overall stressful day for me.

And I STILL don't know about coming in to get checked for a bladder infection :( I hurt, and I would really like to start antibiotics soon if that's the case... not at their earliest convenience. I mean, seriously, I was just wanting to see if I should schedule an appointment or if she could call it in. And she couldn't take a minute out of her day to tell me one way or another? Well, that seems like total crap to me. So no appointment, no medicine, no anything... great. And tomorrow is Friday, so what does that mean? A nice big weekend write off for me? Probably.

I also called my REs office today about a bill they sent me, and left the billing lady a message there. She never called me back either. I guess they didn't want my money that badly after all? I'm way less worked up about that situation, hahahaha.

Also, I've had the most awful heartburn all week. In summary of today... my eyes still burn from all the crying I did, and I think I might spew so I think I'm going to buy some Mylanta then call it a freaking night.

(As an aside, I'm not usually this much of a mess when I get frustrated. Usually I just get angry, hahaha. I think after all the bed rest and stress of everything I've been going through, has gotten to me... and the thought of not getting my Lovenox sent me over the edge. Yikes. It was just a very very long day.)

Anatomy scan-

2011-08-09T14:59:00.004-04:00

We're 20 weeks 3 days today, and our appointment went well. The MFM said that Nombie has "nice brains"... yeah... She didn't see anything wrong though, so Nombie looks great. We also confirmed that Nombie was indeed a boy, which really didn't surprise me at all. That 16.5 week ultrasound was pretty clear.

He was driving the ultrasound tech nuts though, because he wouldn't cooperate. When she went in for a shot of his lips, he threw his hands up and covered his face. It was awesome. Of course, because of his acrobatics we did not get a good profile photo, but we did get a cute foot/knee/leg shot; so I'm sharing that one. I don't know why, but the little hands/feet ones just kill me with their cuteness.

So all things considered, today went pretty fantastic. Whew. I see my OB in two weeks, until then... more waiting!

Emotionally draining-

2011-08-08T23:32:00.002-04:00

It's amazing how filling out a simple questionnaire for a new doctor can be so emotionally draining. I know that it's hard, it's not the first time I've had to fill these things out, but some days they're just harder to fill out than others.

I'm going to the Maternal Fetal Medicine center in less than 12 hours for my level 2 ultrasound. They mailed me some paperwork to fill out before the appointment, which doesn't seem like a big thing. But then I get into it, and I just want to stop answering the questions. I get so tired of answering them, retelling the stories, reliving it.

Number of pregnancies: 4
Number of living children: 0
Explain: ... (*sigh*)

Then I have to tell them what my diagnoses are, what medications I'm on, what surgeries I've had... The boxes are so small, and my history is too big for them.

That's kind of how I feel about my life though, I've went through too much in 4 years. The years were too few for me to deal with this, not enough time to grieve or to process. Every year, the lists got bigger... the explanations longer. Which in some ways was good because it meant we were getting answers. But in other ways, it just made things harder.

I know I've posted about this before, but honestly I just really needed to get it out right now, because I know that despite filling out this paperwork... they're probably going to ask me a billion questions about it again tomorrow. They always do. I hate that. Why ask me to fill it out, if you're going to verbally ask me about every single detail again?

I'm so tired of having to rehash this out. I've had to retell my story so many times this pregnancy; constantly retelling it to different nurses, doctors, questionnaires. I feel like I should just print out a handy sheet and start passing it around. Before this pregnancy, I didn't have to retell it so often. I had my doctors, and they knew my history, and we knew what the plan was. Suddenly I'm having to tell my story left and right to total strangers, defend my doctors decisions to have me on certain medications, deal with people who have no idea about fertility treatments or clotting disorders... it's exhausting.

"half baked"-

2011-08-06T21:13:00.007-04:00

Well, assuming Nombie is still alive... then I'm 20 weeks pregnant today.

A huge milestone, but obviously not the biggest one. Still, making it this far is an accomplishment. Still waiting until around 24 weeks to start buying major stuff... which I know, it's just a month away, but it feels like forever right now. So much can happen in a month.

I let myself buy some maternity clothes today. Plus size maternity doesn't have much to offer, thankfully I don't think I'll be buying much more. As frustrating as that was, it wasn't the only thing I took away from the experience. Being in there felt foreign, and the atmosphere got to me. Everyone was just so happy, so carefree. I heard women with due dates after mine, in January and February, all smiles buying clothes. And I knew that wasn't me, and it wouldn't be me. I'm still shaken from everything I've lived through and been witness too. I celebrate in other ways, I celebrate after each ultrasound that Nombie is still alive, I started window shopping baby things online, small things here and there. But honestly, as far as today is concerned? Getting my car fixed this morning made me way more giddy than buying maternity clothes.

The staff was way over attentive and too excitable; it made me uncomfortable when they asked how far along I am, what the due date is (which always makes people extra smiley since it's due 12/24), and tried to chat about it. I had trouble engaging in the conversation. I don't think I'm ever going to feel okay talking about my pregnancy with strangers (or family/friends for that matter). I can't explain why. Like I'm afraid to jinx it? Or like I'm a poser? Like it's something secret, something that shouldn't be talked about? I don't know how to explain it, I can't even put a finger on exactly what it is. I lost my other pregnancies, and this pregnancy has been so complicated, that I just really feel out of sorts about it even now.

I am very anxious for my anatomy scan on Tuesday. I don't know, the past few days I've just become very anxious. I'm worried that something will be wrong with Nombie... or that Nombie won't be with us anymore. I'm still not feeling movement, and I wish I would... I think that'd help some with the anxiety and make things more real for me. My doppler I bought isn't picking up anything anymore. I've given up on it, I still try it every few weeks... but it seems to be a lost cause. I just wish I had a way to know if Nombie was still alive. I know he was 2 weeks ago, but again... a lot can happen in a short span of time.

I got an informal invite to SIL2's baby shower at the end of the month. If things are still going well, then I'm going to go. I still feel dread about this, not just because I think it's going to be awkward (as all gatherings involving my in-laws and myself are) but also because I'm still scared about baby showers. I KNOW I'm pregnant now, but that hasn't seemed to make things easier. I still get uncomfortable with the way people talk at them, as if babies are done deals and people can get pregnant anytime they want (and when they don't want to). I can't explain it, and I know it's probably not rational, but I can't handle the happy naive talk. I've lost three pregnancies, and I still feel that.

I know my mom is hoping to have a baby shower for me in October, and yes... I even feel dread about my own. My only consolation there is that I can reel my mom in, and that my friends will be guarding me from the stupid comments and putting people in check. At SIL2's shower, I'll be alone... surrounded by people who don't understand what it's like to lose a baby (or multiple ones). I won't have a buffer or any support. It her baby, her shower, and I believe they have every right to do things as carefree as they want. I'll put on a happy face, keep my mouth shut, smile and nod; but I can't ignore the damage in my heart.

People say things that would normally be okay, except what's normal to me now is different than it was before my losses. I remember at SIL1's wedding, it was a month after our first miscarriage, MIL was standing at our table talking to SIL1's MIL. The subject? Well it was a wedding, so they were talking about babies. When was SIL1 and her new husband going to try? Hope they have a girl! On and on they talked, right beside me. MIL knew we'd just lost our first. Did she consider the proximity that she was discussing this? No. People don't typically think about this. It's just one of those things that people don't seem to really get unless they've lived it? It was bad at a wedding, now imagine at a baby shower. With strangers who don't know my history. And now I'm pregnant. And people seem to assume that because I'm pregnant, I'm no longer grieving what I've lost. They seem to assume that I'm "all better now."

I'm not.

The good, the bad, and the ugly-

2011-07-31T16:46:00.013-04:00

- We'll start this off with the good, because I'm giddy about the news I got this weekend. My step-sister got matched with a birth mother! Squeal! I know that it's still early in the process, and it's hard to tell what's going to happen now, but I'm still excited for her. If you don't remember, this is my brother's sister who had been dealing with infertility for 5 years and had a failed IVF last year. So, yeah... SQUEAL!

Also, I'm getting around more and it feels great! I mean, physically I have to take it easy and I'm getting wore out super fast... but emotionally, it feels great to be on my feet again. I did the dishes today... it was awesome. And right now? I'm at work. I won't be back on the schedule until next month, but I'm covering someones shift tonight. I'm really excited about this, because goodness knows we need the money now.

My anatomy scan is scheduled for the 9th. Hopefully we'll get good news, and the baby will be doing great. I'm 19wks 2days now, and at the scan I'll be 20wks 3days. I think that if things look good, then after my prenatal appointment on the 24th we might let ourselves start buying baby things... I should be 22wks 4days then. We may keep waiting until 24wks though. We did decide we're going to tell our families the baby's a boy though... but we're waiting until after the anatomy scan. Why we changed our mind will be down below in "the UGLY".

- Ahem... now onto the bad. I'm tired of getting "mommyjacked" on FB. For those of you who aren't familiar with mommyjacking, I refer you to STFU, Parents and this helpful post. Okay, so seriously, we know I'm pregnant. But not all my posts on FB are pregnancy related. Give me a break. If I post about being tired, maybe it's because I'm tired. I don't need to hear how I should wait until the baby gets here to know what tired is. Screw that! I don't comment on their "tired" posts and tell them "just wait until your baby dies, then you'll know what a sleepless night is." I don't.

Today, I posted about my cat Ishi. I honestly believe this cat has some form of mental illness. I've thought this for a long time. He isn't afraid of me and the other animals in the house. But my husband, company, loud noises, all freak him out. When he freaks out, he runs and hides. Now, when I'm home alone he's a completely normal cat. Completely normal. It's like night and day.

Well today I posted about Ishi having a freak out. My SIL commented that maybe he senses that we have a baby on the way and that things are going to change... umm, what does this have to do with my fetus? If it was related to my pregnancy at all I'd think it was because of the bed rest situation. When we explained to her that this cat has been mental for years, she went on to say that I might have to get rid of him after the baby gets here... because he could be dangerous.

Are you freaking serious? He HIDES from everything, he doesn't MAUL everyone to death.

I told her that I would not be getting rid of a single cat, so she said that you change when you become a parent (wait for it) she went on to say that she did, and that I'll see.

Umm, I've felt this strongly about animals for my entire life. That's not going to change. Pets are NOT disposable. This cat is not dangerous, I've had him for five years; I'm not going to get rid of him now.

My post wasn't asking for advice, I never brought up my pregnancy, let alone getting rid of this cat! I just said that he had an episode, and I thought he had a kitty mental disorder. But apparently, everything's about pregnancy and being a mom. (*rolls eyes*) And I need her assvice, I do, because us poor non-parents have no clue how the world works. Woe is us! How will we ever survive?!

If I'm hungry, it's because I'm pregnant... not because we all need to eat. If I'm tired, it's because I'm pregnant... not because we all need to sleep. And I don't even know what tired is yet. If I'm going out of the house, I better take it easy. Because I'm not already aware of that. I should have relished in my bed rest, because once I have a baby I'm never going to catch a break... yeah, let's forget that I was on bed rest because I could have lost my baby!

Do you see where this is going? Give me a break.

Here's what I want to post on FB, "Dear Mommy Club, stop including me and my fetus in your stupid crap. We don't want your assvice, our situation is not like yours, and stop trying to relate with me over this. Stop trying to act like parenting is a secret club that no one understands. I KNOW babies keep you up at night, they poop, pee, they take time/effort/money... we did have 4 YEARS to think about all those things! Leave me and my fetus out of your hidden Mommy agenda! KTHNXBYE."

Mmm, venting feels good.

- Onto the UGLY. So remember how we weren't going to tell our families what the baby was because of extreme gender bias? Well, my mom was nagging me and nagging me. I hoped that given what we went through, she'd reel in her own girl-gender-preference enough to be happy for us... yeah, here's how she responded when I (STUPIDLY) caved and told her, "So it's another boy. Hmm."

Yeah, I didn't know we had any other boys. Did you?

You'd think that after losing a granddaughter already, and me having three miscarriages, and knowing how we've almost lost this one, what we went through just to get pregnant, she could have at least feigned excitement. No, it's just another boy, right? Eh.

I hate people sometimes. Any baby is a miracle. ANY BABY.

And we told her not to tell anyone... like my mother can keep a secret, PFFT! She told my cousin, who told her young daughters. And we all know kids can't keep secrets. And if we make it to a baby shower, someone is bound to slip up. So now we have to tell the in-laws. Yeah, so much for keeping it a secret.

In my defense... I can't lie, so when she asked me if we'd found out, I didn't know what to do. I panicked, and slipped up. I couldn't just say, "No." or "We're not telling," or something. Nooo, I had to tell her. (*facepalm*)

I'm sure all the in-laws will be just as thrilled as my mom was about it being another boy.

- And we're back to the good, because you know what?! It's a good thing that this isn't their baby. We're still thrilled as can be that it's alive and well at every single appointment! We marvel at it and soak it up. This baby might have some disgustingly petty extended family members, but it's mommy and daddy are over the moon happy every time they see it jumping on the ultrasound screen. How can you even put expectations on something so tiny and perfect? It's healthy and alive, what else matters? I think that if the baby stays alive, I should buy this onsie for when we take it over to the grandparents. It says, "Sorry for disappointing you. P.S. I'm just a damn baby. Maybe your expectations are too high."

Yay-

2011-07-27T13:39:00.005-04:00

First of all, our little Nombie is doing great. He's measuring at 18wks 5days (1 day ahead) and about 9oz right now. Lots of wigging during the ultrasound, and got a great profile shot. I think he favors A- a lot. A- doesn't see it, but he hasn't looked at as many ultrasound photos as I have either.

The clot is a bit smaller, less than a centimeter now. The OB said I can get around more, take walks if I want, but to take it easy and make sure I don't over do it. So, no more bed rest! YAY!!! She wants me to stay on pelvic rest for now though.

My random glucose test came back good, so I'm still on my Metformin and seeing how that goes. My thyroid is under control too, so that's great. And the AFP came back good, so Nombie's risk of spina bifida and other neural tube defects is very low.

I should have my anatomy scan in two weeks, still waiting for them to call with my appointment time. The OBs office only does level 1 scans, so they're sending me to the hospital for the level 2 scan. I don't really understand the differences but I know level 2 is better, so I'm cool with that.

I'm still not in maternity clothes yet, I know my belly is sticking out more but all my clothes fit. Shirts may be getting a little snug, but not by much. I do favor stretchy skirts instead of jeans, but I still fit my jeans. As for my weight gain/loss this pregnancy, I initially lost 5lbs, and have since gained 4lbs back. I fluctuate 2lbs each appointment though, I lose it and gain it back, you know, the normal fluctuations... so I haven't even really gained anything yet either. My OB is happy with this, so I can't complain but I'm wondering when/if I'm going to be in actual maternity clothes.

Things are looking much better at this point, and I'm starting to think I might have a baby this Christmas. Which is such a weird feeling... I mean, this might really happen.

I bought a maternity shirt the other day, and a onsie (I got it for free actually)... and feel conflicted about that. On one hand it made the pregnancy more real, but on the other hand is was very scary. I felt like I was going to jinx it, that I'm going to waste money on this stuff and then not need it because things went wrong, etc... But I did it, I took a leap; a small leap, but a leap nonetheless.

A week and a half until 20wks, then Nombie will be "half baked"... still counting down until 24 weeks though. Just a month and a half more... I think I'll breath a lot easier if we can at least make it that far.

Cosmic forces and jumbled thoughts-

2011-07-24T16:51:00.006-04:00

It's like a law of the universe or something, that when you're broke everything you have must break too. Or when something you get something you really wanted, everything else has to fall apart because no one can have it all.

I'm just feeling overwhelmed. We lost my income from work because of bed rest, have all sorts of medical expenses because of this pregnancy (bills for ER, ultrasounds, medications, etc...), pet emergencies resulting in high veterinary fees, then my car breaks down, laptop cord broke, laptop battery is messed up and will need replaced sometime (I'm waiting for it to die completely to replace it!), then last night my eye glasses broke-broke (insurance doesn't pay for those either, they only cover the eye exam). Normally we'd be prepared for these things, we'd be fine with them, but since we were already having trouble it makes sense that it all has to happen now, all at once... law of the universe.

On top of that, there's just so much family drama... the latest is my little brothers mom planning on moving him from just a few blocks away from us, to two states away from us. In the next few weeks no less. And I just found out a few days ago. I'm beside myself with worry for him, I don't feel like this move is in his best interest at all for a lot of reasons. And I'm very distraught because I don't want to lose him either. If I could get custody of that boy, I would. It's just a bad situation, and there's nothing I can do about it except remind my little brother that I'm here for him- and that I'll always be here for him. It just... sucks. I'm hoping something comes up and she changes her plans, but I also know better than to count on that. Until then, I have my little brother this weekend and we're going to make the best of it since I don't know how much longer he'll be here. I really have no words for how much this is hurting... I just feel crushed.

Sorry to be such a downer... I've just been feeling very overwhelmed lately, so many things happening in such a short period of time. It's hard to cope with it all at once.

It seems like a lot has gone wrong this year. I am thankful for so many things though, the love of my husband, the help from my mother, and Nombie. I go back Wednesday for another ultrasound... I really hope Nombie is still hanging in there. My belly seems a lot more noticeable this week, but it could just be me. I think I felt a jab in there the other night, but it was just once, completely random, and hasn't happened again... so who knows. It definitely didn't feel like anything I've ever experienced before.

Here's some belly shots for you. 16wks vs 18wks:

No news is good news-

2011-07-19T16:43:00.002-04:00

Nothing new here to report. Achey, sore, nauseous... the norm. Still no more bleeding, I'm happy to report. Still not feeling movement or anything, but I suspect it'll be awhile yet. I may be feeling an occasional flutter but it's hard for me to say. My doppler offers ~~little~~ no relief. You'd think that getting farther along would make it easier to find the heart beat, but instead it's just gotten more difficult and most of the time I can't find it at all. I've pretty much given up on it.

Since I can move around a bit more, I've started going down stairs to make dinner at night. Sweet word, I'd forgotten how good my cooking was! My husband apparently didn't because he has to comment at every meal how it tastes "just like it used to." No matter how I tried to instruct him on my cooking, he always seemed to skew the recipes just enough that it was "off." He messed up mac and cheese one night... seriously. I love him, and I love that he tried his hardest... but that was some nasty mac and cheese. Even he didn't eat his. (*sigh*) It's been a long few months. And my potato-mushroom casserole last night was like heaven to me... yum.

I've been roasting in this heat wave, the humidity is absolutely killing me (the humidity is supposed to be like 80% all week- yeah). Yesterday's heat index was 98F, today it's 100F... and the hottest day of the week is yet to come (expected on Thursday). I'm already making plans to evacuate my house in the evening- not having a/c isn't usually so bad, but this past week has been awful. I read online that the heat pocket may be beginning to move east... which, uh, means it's going to move over me more than it already is. Yuck. Can't it just vanish and be done with it's bad self already? Needless to say, cold showers are my friend. And popcicles. My fan used to be my friend, but now it's just blowing hot air on me and we're not on such good terms. I am thankful for it though, because a hot breeze is better than no breeze right now.

I don't know if there was anything else I wanted to add... the heat's starting to peak for the day, and I can't think straight. Time to make preparations to leave my house, if just for an hour.

Anniversary- love in retrospect

2011-07-15T17:10:00.010-04:00

Tuesday was our anniversary. Eight years ago we began dating, and five years ago we got married. I fell in love at eighteen, married the first man I've ever kissed, and I've never regretted it.

We've went through a lot together in that time. The first three years were trying in their own way, but the real struggle came after we got married. I could never in my life have imagined all the storms we'd have to weather. And looking back, my thankfulness for having him by my side knows no words.

When I was young and naive (I did fall in love at eighteen after all) I used to get upset that my husband didn't buy me flowers, never surprised me with gifts, didn't tell me I was pretty all the time, didn't fit what society told me love was. Instead, he taught me what love really is.

When we drove home from the doctor's office with the confirmation that I had stopped ovulating at just 21, a rough diagnosis of PCOS, and the knowledge that we may not become parents, our life was shaken. Everything we'd pictured took a blow, our hopes for the future completely shattered. I cried, he cried, we blew off our jobs that day and we ran away. I told him he could leave me, and he told me that he wouldn't do that because if he couldn't have children with me, he didn't want to have them with anyone.

That day was only the beginning. When I started having out first miscarriage, I called him screaming and crying. We rushed to the hospital room, and he held my hand, took care of calling his family to tell them we wouldn't be making it to our nephew's birthday party after all. He was patient, composed, yet broken. But he was there for me. I'm not saying he handled it in the best way possible, because there were many errors on both our parts as we dealt with this unimaginable grief, but he was there for me when no one else was. He was hurting too, but together we survived.

With the second miscarriage he brought me breakfast in bed afterward when I was in too much pain to move. He helped me take my pain medication, made sure I had everything I needed, we made arrangements for us to run away again. He held me, and let me cry.

After the third... he held me for months and let me cry. He supported me, held me up when I would rather have given up on life altogether.

When I had my surgeries last year, he waited on me hand and foot. He took his vacation days from work to stay home with me while I was laid up. After my carpal tunnel surgeries, I couldn't bath myself, dress myself, I couldn't open my pill bottles on my own, I couldn't cook dinner, I couldn't do anything at all the first week except change the ice pack and take more pain medication. He was there for me, he took care of me, he never complained. I had three surgeries in three months, and not once did he complain when I asked for anything. And I asked for a lot. I wanted the movie changed, I needed him to help me pull my pants up, I wanted him to tie my hair in a pony tail (which I learned he lacks the skills for, but it was cute that he tried anyway), make me dinner, get me take out, get my phone, get my laptop, get my ice pack, put this back, come here, help me up... endless requests, yet he never said anything about it.

Even now, working on over 8 weeks of bed rest, he's still waiting on me tirelessly. Yes, he could clean more, he could put a little more effort into dinner, but I try not to say anything because while I'm laid up, he has to take care of everything. Every want and need I have, every want and need the animals have, his job, the house, the finances, taking me to appointments and such, going to the store- all the tasks that were once divided, now fall onto him. I can tell it's wearing on him, although he doesn't say anything, but I know it's hard. It's hard for me too.

So while he doesn't buy me flowers, jewelry, great romantic gestures... I find now that those things really aren't that romantic. Romantic to me is when I'm in so much pain physically and emotionally because I lost our baby that I couldn't do anything, and all I wanted was some doughnuts and an iced cappuccino for breakfast- that he went out and got it for me. It's when he tells me he loves me and holds me, and tells me that everything is going to be okay.

I'll admit it's a pretty screwed up view of love, but it's nice to know that something good did come out of all that bad stuff. I'm not saying it was worth it- what we've had to endure can never be justified- but it's nice to know that it wasn't all bad. Yes, we've had plenty of fun, we've shared spontaneous movies, playing games and talking through the night, went on spontaneous road trips for no reason... but it isn't in those moments that I remember best the depths of his love for me, or my love for him. It's in the little moments when our life fell apart that he reminded me I still have something to live for, that life isn't all bad after all.

And it's nice to know that after our 8 years together, all our love had done is grow. When we started dating, I never imagined that I could love him anymore than I did then. When we got married, I thought surely that was perfection. Yet every single day that we're together, I love him a more. It's endless, and it's amazing.

16wks4days

2011-07-13T15:12:00.011-04:00

Yesterday was our 5 year wedding anniversary, and we planned a jailbreak so I could get out of the house. It was nice! I'll post my reflections on that later.

For now, today's appointment! It went well. The clot appears to be smaller, it was 3x7.54cm at it's biggest and it looked to be 1x1cm today. It is also all down by the cervix now, when it was at it's biggest it was up near the placenta. So definitely a big improvement! We go back in two weeks for another ultrasound.

Nombie looked great, lots of activity. The tech told me that Nombie is about 6 ounces now, fluid is good, cervix is good... so things look good :) She also asked if we were finding out the gender, and if we wanted her to take a peek... now, if your FB friends with me please don't mention this, we decided not to tell our families the gender until Nombie is here due to the very ridiculous gender preference they've displayed (yeah, there was more than just what I've posted. That was just the prize winning statement.)

But, it definitely looks like Nombie is a boy. We didn't really care either way obviously, but it's neat to know. It's still early, yes, but for now... the ultrasound tech, nurses, and my OB were pretty convinced.

Thanks everyone about the belly shots. I still don't see it personally, I always had a "pregnant" belly thanks to PCOS. It's always just accumulated there, and as I said all my clothes still fit just fine. I can definitely tell it's shifted a little, but it's barely noticeable at the same time. I plan on taking photos every two weeks to see if there's a difference, and to document things.

Today, I had to yet again remind my mother that this pregnancy still isn't a done deal. She was already talking about the possibility of a baby shower in October. I feel like it's probably a little early to be talking about that. I know that she just wants to be excited, so does the rest of our family and friends, but it really bothers me when they act so cavalier about things, then in turn tell me or act like I need to start enjoying things and be happy. I AM happy, I AM thankful that I'm still pregnant, but I've also been through a lot. I'm only 16wks, I don't think I need to jump into buying baby stuff so soon to enjoy things, or get giddy and talk about my pregnancy like it's a done deal. I need to do things in my own time. Someday, if things continue in a positive direction, I will feel more comfortable with things, and we'll start preparing a little more... I'm not there yet. The thought of going to the store and buying things still puts me in an absolute panic- I'm just not there yet. My husband isn't there yet.

It seems like everyone is there already, except us.

But you know what, right now, we're perfectly content to look at the ultrasound photos and admire how cute the baby is, remembering how it kicks and jumps on the ultrasound screen, and reflect on how incredible it's been watching it grow from a fetal pole to this. For us, for now, that's enough. We don't need to start planning, we don't need to start buying things, right now we just need to focus on making it through each week.

Everyone handles pregnancy after a loss differently. This is where we are today, and we're fine with that. I just wish that our families understood that.

Hmm. Well-

2011-07-07T21:33:00.008-04:00

One of my blog followers requested a belly photo. I'll be honest, even at almost 16 weeks here I'm still not showing. All my clothes still fit and everything. I was big before I got pregnant, so I'm assuming it'll be awhile still before anyone can notice anything. That aside, I can tell my fat is starting to redistribute, because it's starting to feel different. When I stand it's harder, when I sit it's all flab again. My injections are getting harder to do in my belly for some reason. Some clothing is starting to feel uncomfortable because of how it sits on my belly, not just from the bruises anymore but rather because of my weird fat redistribution process. I'm favoring stretchy clothes for comfort right now, but I can still wear my old jeans just fine too.

I'm sure my old clothes will fit for awhile longer, not just because I'm a bigger girl, but also because before this last cycle I lost 25lbs (3 inches off my waist!) from jogging and calorie counting- I never updated my wardrobe, and none of the weight has came back because I haven't gained a single pound yet (since I am a big girl, I don't think my OB will be too concerned- the less weight I gain in pregnancy, the better) But since my clothes were a little roomier beforehand, I can stretch them a bit longer.

I think my uterus is starting to give me a bit of a pregnancy belly though, I noticed some of my shirts that had extra room are starting to fit snugger in the midsection. But still not anything anyone would notice. Being a bigger girl, it complicates the idea of a defined pregnancy bump, because honestly... I know all women who get pregnant say that they just look fat, but most of them have a defined bump. I just look like I ate too much this week. My husband can't see any difference at all, if it wasn't for my shirts starting to get snugger... I probably wouldn't have either.

But, for the sake of my follower (and because I love her, lol) I'll post two for comparison. They're a little blurry. The first one is from 14wks, and the second one is from today (15wks5days). Not really much to see, sorry!

(sigh)

2011-07-06T16:30:00.004-04:00

So baby was good, cervix was fine. I do have an infection though, so they're starting me on antibiotics. I wonder if that might be what's causing the pain- it's hard to tell. Either way, better to have caught it now.

The clot was... who knows. I saw a different OB since mine in on vacation, and the machine they used sucked worse than the one I normally get the checks done on. This OB thought it looked good and wasn't concerned about it at all... but she was also ridiculously peppy the entire visit. I'll wait until I actually talk to my OB, because she's a little more down to earth and knows my history better. The OB I saw today didn't seem like she really examined my chart that much, to be honest.

We had to put our surviving ferret down today. He went into renal failure, and his health rapidly declined. I hate this. We had him for 6 years, and we loved him so much. He always made us laugh even when things got really bad, his little ferret war dances were adorable, and he loved to play tug of war with me. I miss him so much already :(

We lost our other ferret earlier this year due to similar issues. And in February, our twelve year old cat passed away. It hasn't been the best year so far. I really hope things don't continue down this path.

Unfamiliar territory-

2011-07-03T23:07:00.005-04:00

It's still weird saying that I'm pregnant. Let alone telling people that I'm 15 weeks pregnant. After 4 years of telling them, no, we can't have children. And you know, maybe we still can't, because this certainly isn't a done deal. Which makes it even more awkward to actually say the words.

But it isn't just saying that I'm pregnant that's weird for me, actually being pregnant is ten times worse. I know what's normal for me, but I don't know what's normal or not for a pregnant woman. It doesn't help that this pregnancy hasn't been, well, normal. I mean, bleeding for practically the entire pregnancy? That just isn't right. All the severe cramping, passing clots, bed rest... it isn't exactly reassuring.

I've been focusing a lot on what's not normal and now I'm finding that, while I have a clue what's normal, I don't know. I can read all sorts of things in books, I can ask other women all sorts of questions, but in the end I'm not the one experiencing it. I don't really know what it's all like- I just know what it was like for someone else.

I started having some cervical/vaginal pain Friday night, and obviously that concerns me. Several women said that they've experienced the same thing, and that it's probably normal. The on-call OB I called to question just kind of told me not to worry about it too unless there's bleeding (hahaha- that's sooo helpful) and severe pain. But I can't stop myself from worrying about it- I'm sore and having some pain. I don't want another thing to go wrong. I can't help but freak out a little. How can I be sure that this is just normal pain, and not something more serious? It just started, totally new, so for me, up to this point, it has not been normal. And suddenly, here it is. It's very disconcerting!

I haven't had any spotting or bleeding since Tuesday (now that I've typed that, I'm sure it'll start back up again... it always does. Ugh.) But you'd think I'd be a little more relaxed about things... no, I am more worried now. I know the pain is up near where my cervix is, it's the same area that hurt when I inserted the Cytotec in 2009 to help my second miscarriage progress. I've been more aware of that area ever since. So this just makes me more nervous. The on-call OB acted like I didn't know what I was talking about because "the cervix doesn't have any nerve endings"- whatever asshat, I know what area I'm talking about just the same. Even if it's not the cervix, it's definitely the area directly surrounding the cervix- and only that area.

I could just be paranoid, given how many things have gone wrong I think I have good cause to be. But there's no way for me to know. It seems like a fine line between paranoia and a gut feeling with valid concerns. How am I supposed to walk that line when I'm always half way over into the realm of paranoia? To me, yes this is pretty concerning. Obviously not to anyone else though. So am I being paranoid, am I being overly self conscious, am I validly concerned... I don't know. I have an ultrasound scheduled for Thursday... I guess I'll just keep an eye on things for now. But it's frustrating not knowing what exactly is "normal."

(And as an aside note, I have a hard time believing that there are absolutely no nerve endings in the cervix. Umm, after all the paps, IUIs, probing of my cervix, the HSG, miscarriages, passing of abnormally large clots and tissues, etc... I can say that if it wasn't my cervix that felt all that shit, well it was just the entire area surrounding it. Because something felt everything.)

Appointment today-

2011-06-30T14:42:00.012-04:00

Nombie was doing good, measuring on track and moving around. (Much better ultrasound photos today too.)

The clot is still there though. (Boooooo! Hisssssssssssssssss!) It might be smaller, but as I said before with this machine (and since it's someone different than my RE measuring), it's just so hard to tell.

One thing that's for sure, is that I get to continue bed rest. Also, I should have another ultrasound in about a week (still trying to schedule that, some people are on vacations though so it makes it a little complicated). By tomorrow night I should know when I go back again.

As for the issues with the pre-pay bill. I did call and talk to them about that, and they said that they give you the option to pay it before hand because often it's easier. If you pay more than the services you receive, then they reimburse you. The amount pre-billed is an estimate of their usual services, more specifically what your insurance says would be your co-pay on it. So then you can pre-pay your co-pay. The lady told me that otherwise, after delivery you have 30 days to pay it all.

O.....kay? The letter they send out does not indicate that it's optional, it makes it sound mandatory. Glad I called. I explained to her our situation, and how this pre-pay thing made me uncomfortable. So she made a note on my file, and told me that I can pay on it when I feel comfortable, or wait until after delivery. If things keep going well I will probably pay on it before, because the payments include all antepartum visits (not just delivery). They do not include ultrasounds, any tests, or the hospitals bill though, that's billed separate- which makes sense to me. So it would essentially be one less bill to worry about after delivery... if we make it that far.

I'm still terrified that we won't make it that far. I'm counting down the weeks, and extremely thankful for each additional day I get. But it's scary, it really is. I'm trying not to think ahead, but then I do, and then I try to stop myself, because I can see both possible futures clearly and I don't want to see either right now because it hurts. I can see me falling into a pit of depression because I lost another one, and I can see me with a baby this December... and it hurts, because what if I allow myself to think that, and then I lose it. I don't want to think about either. I'm going to take it one day at a time, or at least try to, but it's hard not to let your mind wander. And it's so hard to relate to any other pregnant women, unless they've had a loss (or losses) because no one else gets this at all. I mean, my god they're sooooo oblivious. The people around me IRL, pregnant or recently first time moms, or even women who had their children so long ago- they're so oblivious. It makes it harder because they're all assuming, already, that this baby is going to be born alive. And when I reel them in for a reality check, because HELLO I'm STILL on bed rest for complications... they act like I'm being over dramatic or a debbie downer. Screw that.

Okay, okay, I'm going to stop venting/ranting/whining. It's just hard, and I'm trying to figure out what this new normal is. I feel like a huge faker when I say "I'm pregnant." And especially so since my experience is so dramatically different than everyone else.

Back to crocheting some granny squares I suppose.

Results and bills-

2011-06-27T16:46:00.003-04:00

My NT scan results came back finally. Nombie's risk of Trisomy 13, 18, or 21 are all 1: +10,000. So that's great news :)

I also got the letter saying how much I need to make payments on to my OB... for the birth.

Ummm.

I'm never going to understand that about OBs. I don't even know if there is going to be a birth at this point, but I'm expected to go ahead and make payments on it.

It's just a foreign concept for me.

I'm still living week by week, waiting to see if my Nombie is still alive.

Speaking of which... why isn't it Thursday yet?

13wks 6days

2011-06-24T10:50:00.005-04:00

Nombie is still alive! Saw the heart beating and movement today, but the OBs machine sucks so we didn't get any good shots. Heck, all we saw was the vague outline of the head, abdominal cavity, and a femur. Which, I mean, that all gave the u/s tech what she needed for her measurements... but I was hoping for something more detailed. Last time sucked too. The photos aren't even worth sharing because you can't see squat.

The u/s tech and OB said the clot is smaller... but it was really hard to see anything because of Nombie blocking everything... which is good, it means Nombie is comparable to the clot now and has a better chance. But also sucks because, well obviously, we couldn't really see the clot. Also, did I mention, their machine kind of sucks :/ So it's really hard for me to gauge anything. On top of that, I think the tech was only measuring the active bleed areas, and not the non-active bleed/clot areas. So I really don't know what to make of anything! Switching to an OB sucks so bad. Their machine is just awful compared to my REs. The OB seemed pleased with the measurements... but I'm still hesitant because I don't really trust the measurements. And I don't think I'm completely psycho obsessing either.

Anyway, I go back Thursday for another check on the clot. C'mon Nombie, keep thriving!

I still haven't gotten my NT scan results from my RE, I left them a message today- hopefully the results are in and my RE can give them to me today. I'll probably just edit this with the results later... since it's been awhile and they still haven't called me back. Or I'll make a whole other post... I don't know. Blah.

(*eta update: RE is on vacation this week... so guess we'll get the results Monday instead.*)
(**eta: My followers/commenter/supporters make me feel loved <3 You are all awesome. )

More bed rest. More waiting. Here we go.

My logic... is probably abnormal-

2011-06-21T16:05:00.004-04:00

I bought a few baby things, just because they were deals I couldn't pass up. I reasoned buying them because, well, if my baby dies I can always give them to someone else. So they aren't really for Nombie, per se, but rather for a baby. Someone in our family is always having a baby, so I'm sure it can go to someone eventually.

For example, one of the things I bought I really couldn't pass up; I got two Doctor Suess onesies (one is for SIL2's baby, and the other for a baby) and a necklace online, plus shipping, for only $4. Yeah, that was including shipping. It really was a steal.

But now they're in my house, tucked away still in the shipping package. I'm going to pretend they aren't here. I have them out of sight, and mostly out of mind.

I know some women have bought things by now, but seriously with my issues... I'm wondering if I'm ever going to feel comfortable buying something for Nombie. I know I won't anytime soon, because things really are still up in the air, but I wonder if there will ever be a point where I'll believe in this pregnancy more. Rather than be relieved with each passing week, I'm afraid of losing the baby more and more every day.

I feel like I have that backwards, because most women seem to get more confident in their pregnancies as they progress. All my progression has done is make me wonder what a second trimester miscarriage would be like, what would happen to the little baby's body, to me physically, emotionally, what would I do with myself after something like that? The bleeding and cramping continue, bed rest is wearing on me, and I'm starting to feel very hopeless. This clot isn't leaving me. This physical pain isn't lessening. How can I feel confident that that baby is thriving when I'm curled up in pain everyday, passing clots and losing more and more blood?

Emotionally, this SCH is really taking a toll on me. I find myself crying randomly, just a tear or two, imagining how I'm going to handle a loss today. Because with everything going on, it's hard to imagine anything else. I know that a lot of people aren't going to understand that, but when everyday feels just like I'm having a miscarriage, I can't help but think about the possibility. Because it is a real possibility, and right now I wouldn't be able to tell what was the start of a miscarriage or the clot acting up, because I have every single symptom of a miscarriage every single day... for over 5 weeks now. It's a serious mind fuck! There's no end in sight. Literally, no end in sight. All the clot has done is get bigger, nastier, act up, shift positions, make me bleed more... everything but heal.

I'm just having a hard time dealing with everything.

Don't understand-

2011-06-19T21:17:00.002-04:00

Okay, so you all remember that this is my fourth pregnancy right?
Right?

Because no one else does.

Seriously, I don't understand this. After the miscarriages, no one called me. No one asked how I was doing. No one called us on Mother's Day or Father's Day. Most people don't even acknowledge that those pregnancies existed, or what they meant to us.

So I don't understand why they'd bother to tell us happy Mother's Day or Father's Day this year. What, because we have a fetus? Now, NOW they want to acknowledge one of our pregnancies (or rather THIS pregnancy)?

A- didn't appreciate it, he thinks it's inappropriate of them. His mom told him to tell me happy Mother's Day earlier this year, and he tried to explain why it wasn't appropriate then. He probably didn't explain it very well, and I know it's hard to understand... But she did it again today, she left a message for him wishing him a happy Father's Day. He told me he hoped his dad didn't give him another inappropriate Father's Day greeting either. He wasn't mad, but I could tell he was upset.

It's weird how people can pick and choose what they want to believe and see as reality.

To us, those children we lost were everything. Just like this one is. To us, they are the same. Yes, this time we got to see it forming, moving, hear it's heart beating- but we could still lose it, just like we lost all the other ones. We wanted them all, we put so much effort into creating them, they were ours hopes, our dreams, our life.

So I don't understand why they feel like acknowledging one pregnancy, but they never bothered with the others.

Oh that's right- because they don't think anything could possibly go wrong at this point?- Because this one is an 'actual baby' to them? Because we're pretty much in the second trimester and they think that means we're 'safe'? Because they don't understand anything that's going on right now?

(*sigh*) I said it before, and I'll say it again: Ignorance is bliss.

OBs are... different-

2011-06-17T17:03:00.005-04:00

I met with the new OB today. It went better than I expected, she agreed to keep me on all my medications. So that's great. After discussing the clot, she decided for me to have weekly ultrasounds to monitor it- which is exactly what I wanted. I would feel much better if we knew just what was going on with that thing. She did say about how with the clot things could happen, which we are already aware of all the risks with it- from miscarriage, to placental abruption, to preterm labor, etc... I'm freaking out over this thing for a very good reason. We discussed the driving distance between my rural area and their affiliated hospital, and she said it was something they would keep in mind closer to the end. Despite being on bed rest and eating horribly, I've actually lost a pound or two this pregnancy- that's fine by me.

The hospital had expectant mother parking, and I was tempted to have A- park in it since I'm supposed to be taking it easy and I am pregnant... but we couldn't bring ourselves to park there. We parked in the same row, but we just could not park in one of those spots.

It was scary, and different. It felt weird walking down the hallway and seeing a sign that said "Expectant Mother's" and an arrow pointing towards the door you have to go through. My husband and I laughed all all the ridiculous magazines and their stupid articles that littered the office. Seriously, an article to make stroller shopping stress free? I didn't realize it was stressful- conception and gestation are the only things in my life I've found so stressful that I needed a guide to get me through it. Thanks infertility and pregnancy loss. There was an article about how to "prepare him for the new role as daddy" or some crap like that, and I turned to my husband and snickered, "Do you really need to prepare for that? And do I need to prepare you? Ha." My husband saw one that said, "How I found out I was pregnant" and he said, "Don't they know how that happens?" And of course, all I could think... oh yeah, I remember. I was bleeding and took a test, then sighed "Oh shit." and thought, "Here we go again."

Waiting in the room was weird, the whole time I felt like an imposter. The couple next to us was gushing because they just found out they were having a girl. Several women were obviously pregnant and fidgety. My husband and I were making sarcastic comments about every parenting and pregnancy magazine in the room... yeah, we fit in awesome. The nurse talked about how every time I come in I'll have to pee in a cup, and I just stared at her and sort of nodded... I don't even know if there will be an every time. Life is very fragile, pregnancy isn't easy, even more so for me. I feel like I could blink, and it'll be over in an instant.

At the fertility clinic we never waited long, our visits were as long as we needed and then we were free. Today the time just dragged on and on, we had to wait and wait to be called back. Then we had to go back to the waiting room while we waited on the ultrasound, had the ultrasound, then went back to the waiting room to wait and talk to the OB again. It felt tedious, and took well over an hour. I think I'll just have to get used to that though. The last OB I saw for a PAP, I had to wait in the waiting room for an hour just to go back for the exam. Maybe next time it'll be quicker since we won't have to talk so much.

I should be 13 weeks tomorrow, and I can hardly believe it. I'm still not in the clear, I still can't relax, and the future is still very much uncertain. Seeing the baby on the ultrasound machine is hard, because it's so adorable and I'm so scared. The further along I get, the more scared I get of losing the baby. I'm so scared that I almost cry at every ultrasound, and I have to stop my tears.

My husband and I started to talk about names today, and for most couples the thing that spurs that conversation is because they believe they are going to have a baby and it needs a name. Our conversation started, "At this point, whether the baby makes it or not, I feel like it should have a real name." Sigh. I named the other ones we lost, just guessed at their gender and named them- except the last one, I never could find a name for that one. So we ate our lunch after the appointment, and we talked about names in case our baby lives or dies. I had already decided on a girl name last year, when we were deciding on adoption, donor embryos, or more cycles. Either way, I had planned on having a child, so picking a name felt okay. Luckily, A- has no objections to it. So if it's a girl, I have a classic first name picked out and the middle name would be Elizabeth (after my niece who was still born). I had three names for boys I sort of liked, and A- shot two of them down. So I think we have our boy name settled... he didn't like the middle name I liked though, so we'll have to fine tune that one.

I still don't feel pregnant. Physically I feel like crap, and technically it's all "pregnancy related" but it's not what you'd normally think of. I have bruises all over from my pregnancy sustaining medications, I'm achy and crampy from the SCH, bleeding like a stuck pig, I've had to wear a pad every day since mid-April, I'm sore from the bed rest, and I royally fucked my shoulder/arm up the other day from sleeping- it wasn't even the arm I was sleeping on. I have an appointment Monday to check it out, but if it keeps hurting like this I am going to the ER. I took two of my V.icod.in this morning just to function because it hurt so bad. I don't know what happened, but it's horrible. I didn't get morning sickness (just bad nausea and an aversion to meat), I'm not showing or anything- but I have all this other crap going on instead. Awesome.

[RANT]

2011-06-17T00:34:00.001-04:00

I'M SO SICK OF BLEEDING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[/RANT]

Things that linger-

2011-06-16T12:54:00.002-04:00

I haven't posted a photo of Nombie on FB publicly. I created a private album for just my mother, sister, and MIL to see the ultrasounds. The only other people we showed an ultrasound picture with was FIL and step-MIL. And of course, online where I've been getting my support all these years. I've posted about being on bed rest, and that we're pregnant, but we haven't shared any photos yet.

I tried to bring myself to post a photo last night for everyone to see, this morning again, to open the private album up to the rest of our family members to see. But I couldn't do it. Every time I went to click the photo, I couldn't bring myself to click the accept button.

Part of not posting it on FB is me trying to be compassionate to my friends online that have lost pregnancies, or are still battling infertility. I planned on opening that private album up to our other family members so that I'm not spamming the news feed with unwanted ultrasound photos. I would eventually post a photo or two for everyone to see, but I just can't bring myself to do it yet.

I think part of it is knowing that most of them won't be tactful in their comments. That they might see the photos and make the assumption, as most do, that the baby living one day means it will be coming in December. Even knowing all the risks. Because to them, those risks are foreign, impossible. I know all to well how possible they are. A- hasn't even mentioned the pregnancy on his FB because he knows all too well how real these risk are too.

I realized the other day that a big part of it, is the worry of how it will affect some people if we post a photo and I lose it. My little brother is 15, I know that loss is inevitable in life, and I know that he is aware of our miscarriages- but I worry about what would happen if he saw the ultrasound and then I lost it. I know loss is inevitable. I was 14 when I saw my sister's ultrasounds, when I felt her baby kick, when I saw the photos of my niece after she'd been still born. I will never stop mourning my niece, and I'm glad they didn't hide those things from me. But my sister didn't know what was coming, while I have the knowledge of what could happen to me. I know I can't hide this forever, and I know that it seems awful to hide the photos as if that will make things easier... but I don't want any more people to go through hell on account of us.

Then again, I want people to know about Nombie. I want them to realize that if I lose this, that this was real, this was my baby. They so quickly brush off my other losses, but how can you brush off something so beautiful and perfect as this baby? I want Nombie to be loved, no matter what. I want people to know about Nombie.

But I can't bring myself to share an ultrasound photo with anyone else, not even my SILs. I just can't. I want to say "not yet" but I really don't know if I'd ever feel comfortable to share. I feel like maybe I should just post one and get it out there and over with, but I just can't.

I don't know what I'm going to do yet. I guess keep thinking over it.

12wks4days

2011-06-15T18:16:00.004-04:00

Nombie was measuring right on track at 12 weeks 4 days. CRL was 6.24cm

I saw one of the doctors at the practice that I'd never met before, he's the one that does NT scans for all the patients.

The scan was really quick, he just measured everything and then left. I was pretty bummed. I didn't get to see any movement, hear or see the heart beat, and I didn't get to see how the Clot of Destruction is doing. Yeah, bummed may be putting it lightly. I know the scan was just for the NT purposes, but he could have taken more than a minute with it all. Seriously, it was over in a minute.

I would have loved a little more reassurance that my baby was alright, other than the fact that it's measuring on track.

I know, I sound a little whiny... but damn it, after everything I've been going through? I think I have a little bit of a right to.

I meet with an OB this Friday. Hoping that goes well... but not holding my breath.

Another one of those days-

2011-06-15T09:48:00.003-04:00

Been having some bad cramps the last few days... so of course I woke up to a lot of junk again. Like a lot, nasty dark brown/red thick stuff. Yuck. I'm glad I'll be having an ultrasound later today... just wish it wasn't so much later. What's 4 and a half hours though, right?

Today marks 4 weeks since I ended up in the ER the first time. All the stupid clot has done in that time is stretch out and gotten bigger.

I really hope it hasn't gotten bigger again.

My body is a practical joker-

2011-06-12T17:42:00.004-04:00

And I don't really find it's jokes all that funny.

I can go for a few days with no spotting or bleeding, and then wake up with a bunch of junk... I don't even know what to call it, dark brown with clots, and sometimes it's red, but it's always a lovely morning surprise. Gag. And with the junk comes painful cramps and a sore uterus, which makes me really glad my RE prescribed me V.ic.odin... because on some days I need it.

This morning was one of those mornings (*sigh*)

I can't begin to describe this to people in my life. I don't feel like saying, "Oh yeah, I'm REALLY anxious today because I woke up to a puddle of junk and clots down there, accompanied by uterus shattering cramps." They know I have a clot, I've been on bed rest, I take injections daily, but they don't know what all that entails. As far as they're concerned, the baby is still alive so everything must be fine... right? I'll gladly put up with all this if the baby comes out alive, but I have less faith in that outcome than everyone else.

I am VERY thankful I haven't had any recurrent incidents like when we ended up in the ER those two times though. I can't even begin to convey to anyone how scary that was.

But it's still hard, not having any clue what tomorrow is going to be like.

Just a few more days... Wednesday will be here before I know it, right?

Swamp Castle-

2011-06-11T12:48:00.003-04:00

Sometimes, when I think about my pregnancies, my mind links to the first part of this clip:

Watching the movie, you feel like laughing at the absurdity of why they'd keep trying to build the castle in the swamp. It's so absolutely ridiculous, and you can't understand why they'd bother trying again and again

Sometimes I feel like that swamp.

It took so much effort to create those pregnancies, so much time and money, and we kept losing them. One after the other: we lost the first one, then we lost the second one, then the third one.

We have yet to see if the fourth one is going to stay.

We should be 12 weeks today, if Nombie is still with us. I am really anxious for Wednesday, I hope so badly that I see a strong heart beat and lots of movement. That Nombie is still thriving. That this one doesn't end in disaster again.

Random bits-

2011-06-10T11:34:00.004-04:00

- Step-MIL is sick of having grandsons... so it's fitting then that SIL2 is having another boy this time. I'll admit, I gave a cruel chuckle when I imagined Step-MIL's reaction to that news. I don't understand how she can't just be thankful that it's healthy and there haven't been any complications... but whatever. If this one survives and we find out the gender, I am really thinking about just not telling anyone until it's here, or much later in the pregnancy. Because I am still really miffed by that woman.

- Our car is still down. I don't know when we'll be getting it back, but I hope it's before my appointments next week. I feel really grateful to my mom since she's helping us out with all this, but she's also driving me a little nuts. She's trying to talk to me about my pregnancy like it's a normal pregnancy, trying to tell me when I'm going to start showing or feeling movement based on when she did... and I keep trying to explain things to her medically that all that is too soon. Besides, I have the classic PCOS gut with an anterior placenta, I probably won't be showing or feeling anything for awhile. I mean the placenta could move, but my fat belly is like wearing a giant pillow and probably won't change that much for awhile yet. I have had quite a bit of discomfort from jeans and non-stretchy clothes, and I tried to explain to her it's because my belly and ass are covered with bruises from my injections, but she didn't hear a damn word I was saying.

- One of my aunts stopped by when we over at my mother's to drop my car off, and she said I didn't look like I'd gained much weight yet... umm, first of all I'm still in the first trimester. Secondly, I haven't gained ANY weight. Not a single pound. As a matter of fact, before getting pregnant I lost about 25 pounds and I've been maintaining it well. I told her I hadn't gained any, and the plan is to not to really gain any, to keep it at a minimum. She just kind of looked at my mom like I'm being insane... but I'm OBESE. The goal is to gain as minimal weight as possible, if I gain too much weight it's dangerous. I know what my body needs and doesn't need, and I don't need women who weren't obese when they were pregnant, and haven't been pregnant in the last 26 to 30 years, trying to tell me what I need. Weight gain of 10 or so pounds, fine, but I shouldn't gain anything really in my first trimester. Maybe a pound, but what the hell did she expect? Me to get pregnant and blow up like a balloon overnight?

She also asked if it's really necessary for me to be laying down all the time... uh, it is if that's what hurts less, yeah. I'm going to listen to my body, especially since I'm on BED REST and have a GIANT CLOT in my uterus. After three miscarriages and all my complications, I'm certainly not going to be doing jumping jacks.

- Is it Wednesday yet? The time between appointments is scary, and filled with doubt. I keep wondering if Nombie's still alive, what the clot is doing, and knowing that really there's nothing more I can do anyway. So worry is kind of useless... but I'm going to do it anyway.

- Here's a brief summary of some of the family drama: I had to go through and hide a bunch of my info and photos on FB from my own brother, because he's dating (and living with) a girl I blocked on my FB last year. For a good reason... she's a psychopath that I didn't want anything to do with. I was friends with her a long time ago, and ended the friendship for a good reason (she tried to physically assault me on more than one occasion). I know for a fact that she hasn't changed, because just last year she sent me a nasty email because I declined her friend request. That's when I blocked her. And now, here she is living with my brother. Awesome.

- I'm really bitchy right now. Sorry for all the swearing and angry posts. I'm just really annoyed, I'm trying not to let things get to me... but it's hard not to.

- I'm really glad I'm far removed from everything right now. I mean, it's still there, and I might still have to deal with it... but I don't have to today.

- I still can't get the doppler to work. I think it's because of the anterior placenta. I think I keep finding that, since it's a "whoosh whoosh" noise that's about the speed of my own HB. For a second the other day I think I caught a galloping noise, it might have been the baby, but it was brief, my doppler didn't get a reading on how fast it was, and I couldn't find it again. So who knows. I wish it'd work, that'd really help with my anxiety right now, but I know it's still early and I do have some extra padding anyway. Who knows.

- I think I'm done bitching and moaning for the day. Sorry, I hate to be so whiny but I'm stressed out about situations around me, people being completely oblivious to how my pregnancy isn't "normal", and the constant overlay of worry about the well being of this baby. I'm really scared, and it doesn't do any good to focus on it since there's nothing I can do about it. I'm just feeling very frustrated and helpless right now, and I don't like it one bit.

You know what I could do without right now?

2011-06-08T11:05:00.002-04:00

All the drama! I have a decent amount of family drama going on right now, not to mention some friend drama. I'm going to be taking a break from the affected parties... we'll see if it's temporary or permanent. But I am not dealing with their crap right now- screw that. I could write a novel about the issues I'm having with these people right now, but I'm not going to. Let me just say it's very disappointing, and also very frustrating. It has nothing to do with the last post either, this is whole new drama. (*sigh*)

Then, there's the issue with money. We'll survive but I'm really not comfortable with how tight it is at the moment. My medical expenses right now are pretty hefty, not to mention I haven't been working so we're out that money too. I mean normally with me not working it's not a big deal, but add on all my medication and appointments in addition to the loss of income? And we've lost about $1,000 a month in total. Ouch.

On top of that, we had to take our car in to get it worked on. Thankfully my mother is helping out with the cost of that, and loaning us her car until we get ours back (hopefully by Friday!) but it still sucks. We never have to ask anyone to help us, we either work something out, cut back, or do without... but we always figure something out. I don't like asking for help. But in this I had no choice- we need our car. I'm hoping there's nothing serious going on with it right now, because that'd just be the icing on the cake.

So everything feels like it's falling to rot with the drama, the car issues, the money issues, the Clot of Destruction... but I'll live, and everything will be okay just as long as I have my husband and we don't lose the baby. I really really hope we don't lose the baby.

11wks2days and freak outs

2011-06-06T14:37:00.006-04:00

Ended up having a minor freak out this morning, so had them let me come into today instead of Tomorrow. Nombie is okay, although it is measuring a few days behind right now. Heart beat was good though, and Nombie kept doing a lot of flips. Like a lot. We didn't get any really great ultrasound photos because it was moving so much. Which is good... but still worried.

The second photo is of the clot (and Nombie's head arm, like it's waving and saying "Somebody help me!!!"). The clot is now 7.46x3cm. Great. It's grown yet again. And a big part of it is up by Nombie. Fantastic... UGH. Placenta and everything is fine, but it still sucks. I don't think this thing is going anywhere.... (*sigh*)

Before we left today, the office gave us this. Our appointment today may very well be our last one with our reproductive doctor... unless I have a major freak out before the NT scan on the 15th, and I NEED to see her. Which could very well happen.

She's been amazing, willing to go above and beyond for us, and just super understanding... I'm going to miss her so much :(

Should be 11wks 1 day-

2011-06-05T16:45:00.002-04:00

So, yes, I should be 11wks 1 day today... if Nombie is still alive. Still terrified that it won't be, and still trying my best to take it one day at a time.

I didn't have any spotting/bleeding at all for four blissful days, but then Friday it came back. Go figure. Still on bed rest, trying not to move too much (trust me, with this heat that's not hard. Gah!), and just waiting for Tuesday to get here so we can see if it's still alive or not.

I purchased a doppler, and got it in the mail yesterday. I couldn't find the heart beat. I'm hoping it's just because it's too early, or I'm not using it properly... and not that the baby is dead. Because that'd really suck,

Did I mention how scared I am about losing the baby? Yeah.

Is it Tuesday yet?

Ignorance must really be bliss-

2011-06-01T22:52:00.005-04:00

I feel like screaming at some people...
Screaming to remind them that this is our fourth pregnancy, not our first.

SIL1, the young one who had her first baby last year, with a perfectly routine uncomplicated pregnancy and birth, is trying to give me advice. As if I don't already know some things, you know, having been pregnant three times before and having tried for four years. Yeah, you do tend to pick up on some things, and have plenty of time to make decisions about them. Not to mention, I'm under the care of a recurrent loss specialist. I don't really need advice about what tests to do or not do, thanks. Also, if I was going to ask anyone for advice, it would be my own sister... who has been pregnant three times, resulting in a stillbirth, and two live births, who also has a clotting disorder, was on Heparin for her last two pregnancies, and also happens to be a nurse. Yeah, who would you turn to for pregnancy advice if you were in my shoes?

My husband told his dad and step-mom about the pregnancy, and everything that's going on with it. They don't seem to think it's very serious. Although my husband kept stressing that this was a "potential" grandchild, since we don't know if it'll survive, they still weren't quite grasping it. Step-mom even dared to say that she hoped it was a girl because she was sick of having grandsons... my husband replied with, "I hope it's a baby." Who fucking cares if it's a boy or girl?! As far as I'm concerned, it'll be a miracle if this thing comes out alive! Talk about seriously not grasping the situation! They both know that we had three miscarriages before this pregnancy, but they're completely oblivious. Must be nice to be so utterly ignorant, huh?

If this baby does stay with us, I'm tempted to find out the gender and just not tell anyone. Screw them.

It isn't just that, but lots of little things here and there that remind me how easy it seems to be for everyone out there to forget that this is our fourth pregnancy. That we lost three before this. That we've been struggling for four years. That we aren't ignorant. And that nothing is certain.

If we stay pregnant, I'm going to keep reminding them. Because, you know what, so sorry, too bad, maybe they can forget the lives we lost but I can't. This is not our first pregnancy, and we aren't going to pretend that it is like they are. They'll probably think I'm being crass, or rude, but if they keep choosing not to listen to what we're saying, well they're just asking for it anyway.

Yeah, I'm a little bitchy right now, sorry. My husband just got the "sick of grandsons" comment today. I don't really like my step-MIL (honestly, only FIL seems to like her), but that comment was just too far. I expected it, because she fed the same line to SIL1 last year (and much to their dismay, SIL1 had a boy... boo-fucking-hoo). But given our situation, you'd think she would have the tact to shut her trap. But, no, she apparently lacks that ability.

Okay, okay... vent over.
But seriously, ignorance must really be bliss.

10wks3days

2011-05-31T12:41:00.004-04:00

Nombie is still doing good. HB was 169bpm, placenta looked okay. We also got to see little arms/legs flailing, and the baby was even turning around on us. We didn't get any direct shots of the front like last time, but she did get one of the legs/feet (in the second photo).

Now for the bad news... the Clot of Destruction is still there. It's like 3x5cm. It's not actively bleeding at the minute, but it's still really big... a little bit bigger than last time even. So that sucks. I just hope it starts healing soon and leaves Nombie alone :(

Morning-

2011-05-30T11:30:00.003-04:00

My husband woke up this morning and told me he had a bad dream. I braced myself... that man has the weirdest dreams. Yesterday he had a dream involving us at a water park, and a bomb, and then later he was in a cardboard box and I think he got mugged? One time he dreamed he was in an 8-bit game riding a bear. Just the absolute weirdest stuff.

So I braced myself for something weird, and asked what it was about. "We were at a party. And you came up to me and said you just had another miscarriage."

Ah.

I guess that's not so weird. He's heard me say those words often enough in real life, and with everything going on... well, even I haven't been exempt from those dreams. I feel bad though, it's one thing when it invades my subconscious, but this is the first time I've ever heard of it invading his too. I guess it just goes to show how this is affecting him too, despite his strong nonplussed exterior.

We just held each other for a minute, and then I said, "Well, let's hope that doesn't happen this time."

We go back tomorrow morning for another ultrasound... I hope very much that the baby is still okay, and that the clot is starting to dissolve.

Rambling-

2011-05-29T15:51:00.007-04:00

- I'm 10wks1day today, if Nombie is still alive. Making it to the double digits is a milestone... but I can't find any joy right now. I'm in pain, I feel like crap, and I'm scared.

- It's 90 degrees Fahrenheit outside. We don't have air conditioning, and our bedroom is upstairs... I'd go downstairs to the couch where it might be a bit cooler, but the only functional bathroom is upstairs too so that just wouldn't work for the whole strict bed rest thing.

It's really hot in here.

- I woke up today with a migraine from hell. And it doesn't seem like it wants to go anywhere. So I'm laying in the hot dark room, don't want to turn on the TV because it will make things worse, and I feel like I'm going to barf any second now. The heat isn't helping that feeling either. Awesome.

- Our families aren't very close, and they aren't really the best at helping one another out. We both come from broken homes. While I can count on my mom for some things... well, she's mentally ill, she lives in another county, she's on a limited income for disability, and I don't like to ask her. As for my husband's family, his mom's boyfriend was just in a motorcycle accident last week and he got banged up really bad (some broken bones, skull fracture, etc...). She's understandably got her hands full right now. She keeps asking if I need anything, but she's really got enough to deal with.

Besides, it's really hard for me to ask for help. Coming from broken homes, my husband and I both learned that the only person you can rely on is yourself. Since being together we've learned to rely on each other, and that's it. We have AAA because we know that if our car battery was dead, even if we called someone for a jump, well they wouldn't come... and if they did? they'd want gas money for doing it. I'm serious, this happened last Christmas. We didn't want to wait for AAA, so we called my BIL (who was 2 streets away at his house)... and had to give him money to do it. I understand that money is tight for everyone, I just think that's ridiculous... but it also wasn't unexpected either. That's just how they work. My husband and I offer to help when we can, give rides when needed, but we've never ever asked for gas money. If it's offered, we decline it. But that's not how our families work.

So I can't ask anyone to come over and help clean, or to help with meals, or anything else. I tried to ask my mom to when I had my surgeries last year, I even offered to pay her to clean my house for me since I was laid up for 3 months healing... she declined my offer. She came over once during that entire 3 months, and when she did she had a mental breakdown and I had to comfort her. My husband's family never called once to know how my surgeries went, they could have cared less. Meanwhile, my husband tended to me and waited on me, and I was reminded once again what an absolutely wonderful man he is.

So we're on our own here. But we're used to it, we can deal with it, this isn't the first time I've been laid up and my husband has had to take care of me.

- My RE tried to placate me the other day by telling me we had a 5% chance of miscarriage at this point, and that things look good despite the clot. I reminded her that we only had a 1% chance of having 3 miscarriages in a row, and we hit that effortlessly enough... statistical odds of success mean very little to me at this point. Doubly so, since I know women who did lose their pregnancies because of subchorionic hematomas. Once you've fallen into the wrong side of low odds, or known someone who has, there isn't really any comfort left in what happens to most women. Sorry.

- I'm very emotional, I keep crying when I think of the baby. I feel so bad for it, my body just keeps trying and trying to kill it... and it's so cute, and I love it so much already. I feel guilty that it's my body trying to kill it, and that my body surely killed the other ones. It's messed up, the way my body acts against everything I've ever wanted in life.

I can't handle going through this again, whether this baby makes it or not I honestly don't think I can ever go through this again. I'm scared for my own health, and I'm scared for any baby I conceive. Every time I start bleeding a lot we have to rush to the ER to make sure I'm not hemorrhaging, to make sure I don't need a blood transfusion... and that's as scary as hell to me, and for my husband. We knew there were risks, but we didn't expect all this. I've been in so much pain from cramps, I've been on bed rest pretty much the entire time, and I've been bleeding almost this entire pregnancy too... this isn't right, or normal, and it's certainly not comforting.

Again? Ugh-

2011-05-26T19:13:00.004-04:00

Had to go to the ER again last night. I was barely spotting the past two days, just a little bit of old blood all day, then last night at like 9 I suddenly started bleeding heavy bright red again. And started filling and entire thick overnight pad within 30 minutes... for almost 2 hours. Then I got shaky... and my husband got worried about me... so we went.

Nombie is alive and well. We followed up with my RE this morning... HB was 176bpm, CRL was like 2.89cm. Nombie was wiggling and wiggling, waving it's little arms and legs around. Whew.

Bad news... the clot is now up closer to Nombie. And it's increased in size. It was like 3x3 something centimeters, and now it's like 3x4 something centimeters. And as I said... closer to Nombie. I passed a lot of clots last night, and bled bled bled. My RE did say the main part is looking better, like old blood, as if it's healing... so I'm not sure if the bit up by Nombie is a new clot or a branch off of the old part? The placenta still looks fine too.

I don't know. I am bleeding still, and my uterus feels like a combination of how it was after my uterine septum resection operation and the morning after I used Cytotec for the second miscarriage... so sort of bruised from the inside out, and lacerated to hell and back. Tylenol wasn't cutting it, so I have Vicodin now. Good thing too, because sweet word it hurts!!!

Time creeping by-

2011-05-25T16:23:00.004-04:00

Here's Nombie from Monday, 9wks2days. Chillin', despite the nasty clot.

I really hope Nombie is still alive.

Why isn't it Tuesday yet?

I finally grew a pair and called to schedule the OB visit... I suppose I can always cancel if the worst happens... or rather, have my husband call and cancel for me. I did not like making that call though.

My PIO injection the other night left a nasty painful lump under my skin. Now it hurts all the time, and laying on that side is out of the question... unless I'm at an odd angle. Awesome.

I miss real food. My husband is "culinarily challenged". I know eating in bed, having meals brought to you, is a bit of a novelty... but it's sorely worn out it's welcome. I miss my own cooking, but I'm not going up and down and up and down the stairs for it. So... I'm dealing. But I swear, all this processed crap is going to be the death of me: it's gross, high in calories, high in sodium, and... just not healthy at all.

I sound whiny. I've practically been on bedrest this entire pregnancy though, some self imposed, some ordered by my doctor, and some recommended by my doctor. That's a really long time to not leave my house, other than to see my doctor.

Don't think I'm ungrateful that I'm still pregnant, because everyday that Nombie is still alive... words can not express how grateful I am. But this is really hard on me, physically and emotionally. Physically I'm cramping rather painfully at times, I keep bleeding off and on, I hurt from my injections (not just when we do them, but all night after too), I hurt from laying in my bed, and my diet has crashed my system. Emotionally, I try to stifle my tears every time I start cramping really bad again, it seems like it's one thing after another this pregnancy, I wonder every day if Nombie is still alive, I live in fear, I wonder how I'll ever find the strength to survive if we lose this one too, I see how our entire lives have been completely altered and yet we don't even know how this is going to end.

I'm so scared for Nombie... and I'm scared for myself. I'm trying to take it one day at a time, but it's hard living your life like that.

Good and bad news-

2011-05-23T12:13:00.002-04:00

First the good news:

Nombie is hanging in there. The placenta still looks like it's firmly attached. HB was 174bpm, and measuring alright. Nombie even twitched an arm for us during the ultrasound. So that's good.

Now the bad news:

The clot hasn't changed in size. It's good that it hasn't gotten bigger, but it's already REALLY big and it hasn't gotten any smaller at all. I'm going to stay on bed rest, and we need to follow up on Tuesday.

Obviously still at risk for miscarriage. My doctor seems cautiously optimistic that it will dissolve eventually, and feels good about the placement of the clot relative to Nombie... I can't share her cautious optimism. I've known women who have lost their pregnancies because of subchronic hematomas... so I know it's a possibility. I can hope for the best, but I don't expect anything (good or bad). I'm just going to keep doing everything I can, and keep waiting this out.

Dreams-

2011-05-22T10:46:00.003-04:00

Whenever I dream, it's almost always nightmares. The last few years, it's been like that. But not the normal kind, it's different types of nightmares about the same subject matter: the zombie apocolypse. Needless to say, I try not to watch, or play, zombie stuff before bed. But even so, the dreams still come.

Last week , I dreamed that we got a crib. And then, as soon as we assembled it, we found out we lost the baby. The dream ended with me taking the crib apart, slowly, as the lights all faded.

I'd much rather have zombie nightmares.

(**Last nights dream wasn't a nightmare though; it didn't involve babies, or zombies, or saddness at all. It was a nice dream. I was working on the set of Doctor Who, it was Christmas time (of course, since it's Doctor Who!) and I got my photo taken with Matt Smith and Tom Baker. I squealed like a school girl. And then I woke up.

It was nice to dream about something other than horror for once.**)

Time is not on my side-

2011-05-21T11:10:00.006-04:00

I never did post the ultrasound photos from my emergency visits, so I thought I'd go ahead and post them now.

This is from the abdominal ultrasound in the emergency room. 8wks4days, and Nombie's HB was 176bpm.

This is from my visit with my RE. The ultrasound was really blurry for some reason, maybe all the blood? This was about 11 hours after the ER one.... but technically 8wks5days. Nombie's HB was 174bpm.

Time seems to be moving very slowly from here in my bed. I'm so anxious for Monday to get here. Thankfully I have a library of books, my laptop, and a gameboy, because otherwise time would be dragging sooooo much worse. I'm trying not to look at the clock very often, it'll just make it seem like time is moving even slower.

I have to keep the bed room door shut because of our bedroom cat (the one we took in that has FIV). So all my other cats keep meowing pitifully outside the door, and trying to forcefully break it down. Every time I venture to the bathroom, I end up being assaulted with kitty love. The bedroom cat, however, is happy we're in here with him... although he does seem to ignore us most of the day... I guess the window is just more entertaining.

I'm still not eating well. I love my husband, but making meals is definitely not one of his strong suits. But he's taking great care of me, he stayed home from work the last two days and he has the weekend with me too. He did great giving my progesterone in oil injections the last two nights, which was a big relief for me.

I'm still cramping a lot, and bleeding off and on. It varies from red with clots, to brown weird textured junk. I really hope the stupid SCH is dissolving, and not harming my Nombie. I really can't bear to lose this one too.

update-

2011-05-19T12:26:00.005-04:00

Got an emergency visit with my RE this morning. The baby is still in there, heart beat was 174bpm. The little placenta is fine. However, I'm still bleeding a lot (and passing some material/clots). The ultrasound showed a SCH, there's a large clot near the baby. The clot is closer to the cervix than the baby is, so my RE is hoping the clot will just dissolve and trickle out... I remain skeptical.

I was concerned that with the bleeding I'm having, that my vaginal progesterone caps might not get absorbed very well. So, we're switching to PIO injections for now. Kind of nervous about that, because I can't do them myself... and my husband is... squimish when it comes to that stuff. I'm hoping he can tough it out and shoot me up though.

I'm back on bed rest. It's a good thing I took a leave of absence from work already, because otherwise I'd have to deal with it today anyway.

I'm also supposed to keep taking my Lovenox... maybe it'll help dissolve the clot? I don't know.

My RE said that there isn't anything we can do about it, which I knew already. But she did say that for some reason women who can't get pregnant, or who tend to miscarry, also tend to get them. Did I win the jackpot or what?

So definite risk for a miscarriage right now, but just going to have to wait this out.

I go back Monday morning for another scan.

Here's to hoping Nombie keeps fighting... and that my stupid Womb of Doom cuts the crap.

That would happen to me :(

2011-05-19T02:29:00.002-04:00

After I ate dinner tonight, I noticed I was a little more crampy than normal. I felt like maybe I had peed myself a little. I stood up... and blood just gushed and gushed out of me and down my legs.

Rushed to the ER because, hello... pregnant, bleeding, and on anti-coagulants.

Where I proceeded to bleed all over their room... seriously. They evaluated me for the possible miscarriage, and to make sure I wasn't hemorrhaging.

The good news... they gave me morphine. Seriously though, my blood was okay and Nombie was still in there. It's heart was still beating. We saw and heard it on an abdominal ultrasound.

The bad news... I was bleeding a lot. I mean, it was pouring out of me. And I passed some rather large clots. So things do not look good. I am still cramping, and bleeding... the bleeding isn't as heavy at the moment... but it's still there. They couldn't find the source of it on the ultrasound... maybe because it was abdominal? I don't know, but I don't find that reassuring. That much blood, I would like to know exactly where it's coming from and why.

I have to follow up with my RE in the morning... for now we're playing a game of wait and see.... I hate that game.

Anxiety and stress-

2011-05-18T18:38:00.003-04:00

- I'm still cramping off and on, and that makes me very nervous. I'm hoping it the "normal" pregnancy cramping, whatever that is. I've already had three miscarriages, I really couldn't tell you what "normal" is. The cramping early on this time was bad cramping (worse than your typical period cramps) accompanied by lots of blood... so obviously I worry at every twinge, cramp, sore uterus feeling.

- I'm taking a temporary leave of absence from work (I was going to quit, but my boss suggested I just go off the schedule for now and come back when I can). It just made sense for a lot of reasons. My only regret about that, is losing my extra income each month. Not only are we out that money, but my medicine to keep this pregnancy is expensive. We went from paying $20 on medication a month, to paying about $350. That's not including our co-pay for each visit with our RE. Will it be worth it? If it works, of course! It's just hard right now. I'm trying not to think about it. The guilt of not going into work when we needed the money was eating at me, but I'm just going to push that aside for now and enjoy being a couch potato.

- Determining what OB to call, or when to call, is going to be the death of me. I believe the stress from it yesterday was causing me to have weird chest palpitations (I say this because it got to the point later in the evening, that every time my phone rang I jumped and I felt the palpitations). I'm only 8wks4days... I don't want to think about this yet. I mean, yes, most "normal" women have already scheduled an appointment with their OB and it's no big deal... but it is for me. I've had three losses. I've scheduled an OB appointment before and had to cancel because of losing the pregnancy. I've only had to deal with an RE for the past... 2 or 3 years. I get good care from my RE, I know what to expect, I know that she's on board with all my treatment right now and is taking me seriously... what if I can't find an OB up to my level of care?

I mean I saw a local OB/GYN practice last year for a pap test, but that practice scared me so bad I couldn't get out of there fast enough! Seriously, they didn't know what an IUI was and she kept asking me if I was SURE that it was okay to do a pap two days after having an IUI. Then she was surprised about my uterine septum resection, since they just leave them in there no matter how severe they are (she even told me a story about a patient with a complete one... and I was absolutely horrified with this practice by the end of the story).

The local OBs scare me. I honestly don't know if I could find one here that would keep me on my meds, or that would monitor me properly on them. That's a big concern of mine right now, finding an OB who is willing to let me stay on Lovenox and the Synthroid. The OBs here just don't seem very educated... which leaves going closer to the bigger city for a better OB... and unfortunately that's an hour away.

The local hospital... well, it scares me too. Their answer to anything the slightest bit complicated, is to ship the patient off to the big city hospitals. I know a few people who delivered there with no issues, but these were "normal" women, with "normal" pregnancies, who only took prenatals the entire time. Yes, the hospital is convenient (a less than 5 minute drive) but I don't know if I'd feel comfortable there regarding the level of care I'd be receiving.

We're kind of rural, so to see a good practice or go to a good hospital, we'd have to drive all the way to a bigger city an hour away. Which, let's face it, that's a long drive. If I stay pregnant, I don't know if I'll be induced because of the Lovenox or not, what if I went into labor and had to drive an hour? In winter? What if the drive wasn't possible, and I had to go to the local hospital who didn't know my history or understand it? Just so many "if's" right now. I mean, seriously, I don't even know if I'll stay pregnant at this point... why do I have to think about this right now?!

(*sigh*) I think we're going to meet with a practice in the big city, where I think we might get better care. We'll have to talk to them about my issues, concerns, the distance, etc... and just go from there.

Still, I'm feeling very stressed about this. I don't want to leave my RE, but she can't keep me past 11 weeks. I have to be sorted with an OB by then...

if I make it to 11 weeks.

Just... really really scary, and I'm very nervous, and this is stressful... and I feel like screaming... just a little bit.

- And yes, even seeing the heartbeat, the little arm buds, I'm still scared as hell about losing this pregnancy. And I'm feeling distant from it, like it isn't real and it's going to end any time now. I feel abnormal and scarred beyond repair.

- Everyone IRL is still assuming I'm going to have this baby... I'd like to question their source of this information, because I'm apparently missing something. I personally haven't been notified that we're in the all clear yet, and I know I haven't told them we are. As a matter of fact, I'm sure I keep phrasing things to them like, "well, if I'm still pregnant," or "things look okay for now, but we're still not out of the woods," "as of Monday it was okay."

I'll have to work on my communication skills... or, you know, they could work on their listening skills.

I know, I know, they're just excited. But, to me their excitement is misplaced. If I were a normal woman, who hadn't went through three miscarriages, or 4 years trying to have a baby, it would be a different story. For a normal woman, yeah things look good and they'd probably stay good. However, I am not a normal woman. And they know this. When they act like this, it seems like they forget it though. Like they forget all the pain, and all the uncertianty, that my body is messed, that things are not the same for me and most women.

I don't know. It's just hard for me, and I'm trying to deal with it rather than approach them. I understand that they want to be excited... it's just really hard for me. Especially when we're the ones pregnant, and we're not excited... but all these other people can be so carefree with their emotions.

I suppose it's easier for them, since they didn't actually live through the horrors we did in the past 4 years... they can forget all that, because they weren't the ones in pain, screaming, sobbing uncontrollable, fighting over grief.

I don't know. Just trying to sort my thoughts. I'm a mess right now... and no one seems to even see it.

Still alive-

2011-05-16T13:54:00.007-04:00

Nombie is still alive <3 HB 183bpm, and you can see the little head at the top, and arm buds too.

Arm buds. I never thought I'd say that.
Weird.

We go back next Monday for another ultrasound.
My RE said it would be my last one with her, and that I will need to see about scheduling an OB appointment soon... :(

I had to have some prenatal blood work done today, and get some refills on meds.

As for the suggestions about getting a doppler, I have been considering it, should Nombie stay with us. I was looking at the Sonoline B 3mhz one online, but have been trying to determine when I should buy one (or if I should rent one). Honestly, it looks like renting one is about as expensive as buying the Sonoline B though. So if anyone has suggestions or opinions about dopplers, I am open to them.

Still taking it one day at a time. I'm terrified and anxious. I thought I was going to have a panic attack in the room today waiting on my RE. I was fine all week, but once we got in there... I just lost it.

Should be-

2011-05-14T10:04:00.004-04:00

Every time I enter a new week of pregnancy, I say "I should be X weeks today. If it's still alive."

The truth is it still isn't real for me, even after hearing the heartbeat. I mean, I know I'm "pregnant" and I'm taking all these medications and doing all these things to try and ensure I stay that way. But... I don't feel like I'm pregnant. My only symptoms can be attributed to my medications. I don't have morning sickness, or any other typical symptoms. Not that symptoms really mean anything anyway. The only reason we assume I'm still pregnant, is because last Monday the ultrasound said so.

So when people ask if things are going well, I say "Well, as of last Monday it was." Because how could I know? Even if I lost it, I wouldn't miscarry right away so there is no way of knowing that I'm still pregnant. So I don't feel comfortable saying that I am. Because I can't know that. I don't have an ultrasound machine in my home that I can use everyday. As far as I'm concerned, I'm pregnant that day, the morning that the ultrasound goes well. After that, it's anyone's guess.

So, my friends. I should be 8 weeks pregnant today. If it's still alive.

In two days time, we'll see if I really am 8 weeks or not.
Until then... I'm waiting patiently and sincerely hoping that my little Nombie is still with us.

And yet-

2011-05-11T01:44:00.002-04:00

Everyone already believes that this pregnancy is going to make it.
Except me, my husband, and our doctor. Even she's hesitant.

We have a heartbeat; we've reached 7 and a half weeks.
And yet... that doesn't really mean anything.

My sister is visiting from across the country, so we went out to lunch with our mother today. It was nice, until they started talking about this pregnancy. And they started talking about it as if it were going to succeed, wondering if it's going to be a boy or a girl, going on about how amazing it is they start so small. It was like an ordinary conversation, and yet... I was fidgeting, hoping they'd change the subject.

But they kept talking... until my sister asked if were were going to find out the gender, and I answered "Yeah, if it's still alive."

Everyone keeps saying "this one is going to stay, I know it," "this is it," "you're going to have a baby," and yet... when we're done talking, and we say our goodbyes, I start crying.

Not because it's amazing, or this is "finally" happening... but because this can end. Because all the others ended. Because I can never share in their naitivity. Because it hurts, their joy hurts, their assumptions hurt.

People talking about pregnancy has been hard on me for a long time, who'd have thought that conversations about my own pregnancy would be so hard for me too?

I can take joy in today, sure, but I can never take joy in something that hasn't happened yet. Getting excited about finding out the gender or having an actual baby? Sorry, I can't do that. I just want to get through today.

Still hanging in there-

2011-05-09T12:18:00.006-04:00

I'm told that Nombie is growing on target.
Heartbeat was 138bpm.
We should be 7 weeks 2 days today...

We go back next Monday for another ultrasound.
Really hoping this little one keeps growing.

Still terrified and taking it one day at a time.

Scrambled thoughts-

2011-05-06T12:17:00.004-04:00

Three years and two days ago, I started miscarrying our first pregnancy. A flash of pain, a loss of blood, an evening lost in the ER... stuck in limbo, but having the sickening sense of already knowing what no one could say. Three years ago today, we confirmed that the hcg was dropping, and we were definitely miscarrying.

His tree grows taller every year, blossoms more, it even began to bear it's own fruit last year.

The being the tree was planted in memory of, is still nothing but a memory. He will never grow taller, he will never blossom, and he will never bear his own fruit.

And I still miss him, and remember it, even if almost everyone I know has forgotten. Even if only a few of us know just what significance that tree holds for us.
_________________________________________________

The little boy who's birthday party we missed that year, that day, because we lost our pregnancy... that boy was turning one that year. This year he turned four, and yet again we missed his party because of a pregnancy.

I can't say that I regret it. The emotions his birthday parties have stirred up in me are hard to deal with.

That first year, we lost our first pregnancy.

That second year, I was working... and couldn't bear the thought of going for emotional reasons. We had just went through the horror of our second miscarriage, and I was still mourning that one, and our first one... emotionally I was a complete wreck.

The third year, we went. We had already suffered three miscarriages at this point, and we still had no children. Last year, SIL1 came in glowing and heavily pregnant. There were screeches from FIL, StepMIL, and A-s grandmother, about how cute she was. How adorable. How exciting. How much longer. Coos and awws. I fought a barrage of tears, and we left abruptly because A- knew I was going to cry, and honestly I don't think he could handle it either.

This year, I'm pregnant again. And so is SIL2, the boy's mother. But our pregnancies are nothing alike. Hers is a given, hers is unexpected (unintentional) and carefree, full of assumptions that this baby is going to be born alive and healthy, and that's just that. The most she has to take every day is a prenatal vitamin. Her fiance and his family are all excited about it, since it's his first baby.

I could never live like that, and my pregnancy has never been a given. This one has taken 4 years now, and three losses along the way. I could go in Monday and find out there is no longer a heartbeat. I could endure any number of complications due to my body, my medications, and the unknown. Nothing is a given. I'm resting, taking pills orally, vaginally, and shooting up. I am doing everything I can, and not taking any chances. My husband is not getting excited, while the heartbeat made it more real to him, we both remain on bated breath waiting to see if the other shoe is going to drop. We are pregnant today (maybe) but that doesn't mean we will be tomorrow, and we know that all too well.

If we had went to that party last weekend, not only would we have the issue of me being on my feet... but we would have to be surrounded by that naivety. While we were waiting for our ultrasound to see if we had lost yet another one, everyone else would be going on about her pregnancy. And even if my pregnancy had been going well, I couldn't have handled that.
_________________________________________________

Everything I've been through has changed me. I'm bitter, yes. But that's not it... it's the way those comments burn in my heart, the way I know that will never be me even if we have a living child, that those feelings and experiences were stolen from us with the deaths of all our pregnancies. The way hearing someone admire another's pregnant belly only reminds me of loss. The way new babies send silent pangs to my heart and remind me of them... the ones I will never carry in my arms, but are always tucked in my heart as I go to sleep, that I coo "I miss you so much," to when my grief for them wails within me like a dying beast.
_________________________________________________

I'm pregnant now, yes. But I'm still a babylost mamma, and I'm still infertile.
Nothing will ever loosen those experiences and markings from my soul.

And already, having heard the heartbeat, many people in our lives have begun to assume we can relax now. That we're better.

Well, we're not. I'm still broken, I've still lost so much in the last 4 years. That will never change. And everything with this pregnancy is still uncertain.

I still miss my lost ones.

And I still worry everyday that this one is already dead.
And it's that thought that haunts me.

It terrifies me beyond reason.

Yet more waiting-

2011-05-04T21:23:00.002-04:00

First of all, thank you everyone so much for the support and well wishes :) It really means a lot to have you there cheering me on, and offering support when I need it.

We're still not out of the woods yet, so please continue all the thoughts/prayers/chants/meditations you can spare. Thank you!

- I'm extremely anxious for Monday to get here. I keep worrying that the little one has stopped growing, or we won't find a heartbeat again. It's going to be extremely hard on me if that happens. I'm trying not to think about it, but I am terrified. I don't want to go through another loss. I don't want to lose this baby. Lots of emotions in all that, and I don't even know where to begin.

- I'm been having major sleep issues. I keep waking up anywhere between 3am and 7am... which is not cool, because we don't need to wake up until 8am. So then I get exhausted midday and all I want to do is take a nap. I know I shouldn't, so I fight it, and yet somehow I end up passing out accidentally. Then the nasty premature wake-up sleep pattern is reinforced. It's a vicious cycle.

- I've also had the migraine from hell today, and sore from my uncomfortable couch. My RE said normal activities should be fine, she even said I could exercise as long as I'm careful and keep my heart rate down... but, I don't feel comfortable with that right now. When I move too much I get crampy, and crampy = abdominal cramps resulting in terrified woman who is totally paranoid and begins to fear the worst upon any cramp or twinge. So I'm staying on my couch damn it. I'm nursing my migraine with acetaminophen... which isn't really helping much at all. And I'm just hoping to feel better physically. I think I might be coming down with something, my sinuses have been congested, and I'm been headachy... it could just be from the weather though. I'm hoping for the latter.

And with that, I'm going to say goodnight. I feel a strong wave of exhaustion coming on again. Serves me right, I accidentally woke up around 3am today and couldn't get back to sleep. My attempts to nap all failed... ugh.

Disbelief-

2011-05-02T12:19:00.006-04:00

Say Hello to Nombie <3

We have a gestational sac.

We have a fetal pole.

We have a yolk sac.

And at 6 weeks & 2 days... we even have a heartbeat @ 115bpm.

We not only saw it... we even heard it.

It was so amazing, I cried.

I can't pretend I'm not pregnant anymore.

I know we're still not out of the woods, it's still early, the heartbeat just started... so I'm not going to get excited just yet. But we've never made it to a heartbeat before, and I'm giddy despite myself. An actual heartbeat! It was so beautiful.

We go back for another ultrasound next week... really hoping this little one stays with us, and next weeks shows good growth and an even stronger heartbeat. I'm going to be so absolutely devastated if we lose it.

Understanding-

2011-05-01T23:16:00.006-04:00

Ultrasound in less than 10 hours.

I don't think most people can truly understand how very nervous and uncertain we are, I know our family and IRL friends certainly don't. My mom heard that the numbers are doubling better, and now she thinks everything is fine and the danger is over. I've explained to her that's not the case, but she doesn't understand at all. I know that doubling numbers don't mean a damn thing. It's a good sign, and I am thankful that our numbers finally normalized, but I also know that it's ultimately a false sense of security. That doesn't mean I'm not going to grasp at it anyway, but it means I am aware that in the end they mean nothing. I've had great doubling betas before, and it ended just the same. I will not fall for that again. It gives me the strength to keep fighting, because the rising betas mean that my embryo is still fighting... but it doesn't necessarily make me feel more optimistic about this pregnancy.

As soon as I tell people things are going better, they assume that everything is alright now. They've started asking if I have any symptoms, do I have morning sickness yet... no, I don't. I have a bruise covered abdomen from my injections, a sore cervix from the progesterone, occasional spotting, cramping, and lots of side effects from all my medication that I'm pumping into my body. Some of which mirror pregnancy symptoms, I mean the progesterone supplement is a hormone found in pregnancy so of course it mirrors them. But if I try to tell people that, they just don't understand. They act like I'm putting them off. And maybe in a way I am, because their optimism causes me pain. How can they act like everything is fine? It's one thing to hope, but it's something entirely different to assume.

I'm all for positive thoughts, and good vibes, prayers, chants, hope... but assumptions I'd rather not.

We've had three miscarriages... that's a really hard situation to be in, because we know beyond a doubt that the odds are not in our favor. I know that you can do everything within your power, and still fail. I know that pregnancy doesn't mean you're going to have a baby.

We lost so much with our miscarriages. And most people can't even begin to imagine how much. Even I'm still learning the absolute depths of that loss.

My husband used to be an optimist. He believed we would get pregnant and carry to term. He always tried to cheer me up, to reign my depression in. He thought the treatments would definitely work. He thought the risk of miscarriage was much lower... and it is, in a normal situation. But we're not your normal situation at all. Something broke within him after the first miscarriage, and it broke a little more after the second. After the third, all of his optimism died. He stopped believing the treatments would work, but wanted to keep trying them. He didn't believe we'd get pregnant, and even if we did... we didn't believe it would work.

Neither of us are acknowledging that I'm pregnant right now, other than the medications and the time lost from work. We're just drifting through the days, hoping that maybe it'll work out but keeping our feet grounded because we both know the risks... and given our history, we know that it very likely could happen to us again. And right now we need that disconnection from it, it's our only way of protecting ourselves.

I'll update tomorrow, whether it's good news or bad.

Today-

2011-04-29T16:07:00.005-04:00

I am a day more pregnant than I've ever been in my life.

If I make it to tomorrow, I'll officially have reached 6 weeks.

I keep getting gas pains, and then I can't tell if it's gas cramps or my uterus is cramping. Or both. And then I spend all night trying to find a comfortable position to lay in and worrying. I've been taking acetaminophen to get through the nights.

I also keep freaking out over every cramp and twinge. I expected to wake up to blood this morning because I was really crampy last night, but there was just some brown spotting. Which of course still freaked me out some, but that can't be helped. I haven't noticed any spotting this afternoon... but the day's still young.

Yesterday I stopped wearing pads all day, since I haven't had a lot of spotting for a few days now. I feel like I'm inviting disaster into my life by doing that, like I'm tempting the universe.

I'm still charting on my Fertility Friend chart, because I still expect this pregnancy to end any minute now. I charted through the miscarriages of my last three, just for a record of my meds and to keep track of the spotting/bleeding for all of them. So it's good for me to keep track of that this time too, but I feel like maybe I'm being a little OCD about it now. I don't care, I'm going to keep putting the data in for now.

I'm really weird, I know.

I think my progesterone supplements have finally gotten my levels up a little in my entire body, because I've started passing out during the day. Which totally screwed up my sleep pattern, and I do not like waking up at 5am. But by about 4pm, and then again at 7pm, I just can not keep my eyes open. But, I'm taking it as a good sign. I think.

I almost feel like I'm pregnant.

Almost.

Let's see if I can make it through the weekend.

One day at a time-

2011-04-28T15:08:00.003-04:00

My hcg was 1,118 on Monday, and it rose to 2,761 today. That's a doubling time of 55 hours. Which is good... so just trying to take it one day at a time and see what happens.

This is how far along I was with the second pregnancy when I lost it, although my hcg that time was much higher. So obviously I'm anxious as hell today, and I keep cringing at every cramp and checking for blood every time I use the bathroom. It's scary, and I'm not going to pretend it's not. This is the most pregnant I've ever been before, and at the same time it isn't since the hcg is lower.

No matter what, I know that I am far from being out of the woods.

I have an ultrasound scheduled for Monday. I have a really hard time believing I'll make it that far.

After I scheduled it I realized that it's on May 2... that's near the day I ended up in the ER 3 years ago miscarrying the first one. I had an ultrasound back then too. It didn't go so well.

Deep breaths, one day at a time.

Memories of spring-

2011-04-26T14:48:00.009-04:00

It's been raining a lot lately, but all that does is bring out the life all around us (not that I'm seeing much of it from my couch). But our tree, his tree, is blooming again. Pretty little white cherry blossoms bursting forth for another year. Their blooming reminds me of what time it is.

They always bloom around the anniversary, which snuck up on me. Which that's no surprise anymore. Loss anniversaries always seem to sneak up on me when I least expect them. We got through the two year loss of the second one, and here we are coming up on the three year anniversary of the first one. Yes, you read that right. Three years ago next week, we lost our first pregnancy.

Where did the time go?

Sitting here, being pregnant for the moment and trapped in uncertainty, I feel like I'm relieving all my pregnancies at once. I'm on bed rest like the second time, worried about slow rising betas like the last time, dealing with spotting/bleeding again, and feeling the same symptoms as the first time (although this time I'm pretty sure all symptoms can be directly attributed to the meds). But still, it feels like all 3 pregnancies and losses combined.

My next blood draw I'll be 5wks 5days, based on my ovulation date. That's the longest an embryo has ever survived. When I was 5wks 5 days with the second one, I woke up that morning covered in blood. My beta that day was in the 5 thousands, the ultrasound showed a gestational sac right on track... but no yolk sac, no fetal pole, and a bleed near the embryo. The next ultrasound showed very little change, the next one there was none. I didn't miscarry until I took the medicine to induce at 8wks. That pregnancy had been perfect until suddenly it wasn't. My betas tripled, my progesterone was like 60, things were great... until they weren't.

We got an invitation email today for a nephew's birthday party, which we had to decline again. The first time we declined was for his 1st birthday; we canceled last minute because as I grabbed his present to leave the house, I fell over in severe pain. We ended up in the emergency room having our first miscarriage. We never told them why we canceled. This time we declined again, and very openly I told her it's because we're trying to save a pregnancy.

I miss those babies, all of them.
How I worry about the little embryo I now carry within me.

I often joke with A-, in our dark humor from years of loss, about how the only thing my body does efficiently is to kill babies. I wish it wasn't true, but it has been so far the only thing it can do consistently. I hate that. I hate my womb of doom. I wish I could love my body, every part of it. But I can't, that'll always be the place where I lost all my hopes and dreams. The burial ground for my heart.

There's a lot of emotions wrapped in these two weeks: (hopefully) getting as far in this pregnancy as I did with the second one, another beta draw that day, a (possible) ultrasound on Monday, and then two days later the 3 year anniversary of when I lost the first pregnancy.

The only guarantees on that list, are the loss anniversary and that I will get blood work done no matter what.

Everything else, all we can do is wait to see what happens.

We've been through so many losses, that I can not get excited about this. Hope for the best, yes. But get excited? Expect things to work? Think I'm in the clear? Never.

Color me surprised-

2011-04-25T15:26:00.002-04:00

My beta Friday was 359.

Today it was 1,118.

I believe that's a doubling time of 44 hours. My previous doubling times were 73, 69, and 75. So this is MUCH better. 44 hours, that I can most certainly deal with.

I know I'm not out of the woods yet by any means, but it's still a relief.

I have another beta on Thursday, and they scheduled me for an ultrasound on Monday May 2nd.

I didn't spot at all yesterday, and am barely today. The spotting lessened the day after I started extra progesterone... coincidence? I don't know... but I doubt it.

So... yeah. I'm still pregnant. How weird is that?